Tommy Maloney

Greeley, Colorado

Tommy Maloney is more then just a writer. He has spoken on a TEDX stage and is a parenting coach as well.

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About the author

In 2015 on June 13, Tommy Maloney was standing on the famous “Red Dot” in Loveland, Colorado where he was about to do a TEDx talk titled “My Dad’s Advice at 5:04 AM.” This talk dealt with advice Tommy received from his dad the morning of his son Connors' birth.

Tommy's journey to that stage includes presenting a keynote address at the Colorado Fatherhood Council Academy: to being a panelist on Bill Corbett’s Cooperative Kids TV show. Has also spoken at Ignite Fort Collins and Keynote Speaker at Everything Dad Convention. He is the author of the books "25 Tips For Divorced Dads” and “Why not you, Why Not Me”.

Tommy's writing has been seen:

· The Good Men Project

· Modern Gladiator

· Nurture Magazine (AU)

· EVERY LITTLE THING! BIRTH AND BEYOND 360

· Our Mom Spot

· Divorce Magazine

· The New Speakers Tool Box

Shift to today where Tommy has created a coaching and speaking business to serve families who are going from divorce to remarry to creating “blended families.” Tommy’s goal is to spread the word that dads do play a vital role in the lives of our children across every demographics. Tommy is the executive producer and host of the podcast Blending The Family.

Tommy lives in Greeley, Colorado with his wife Ann and their three kids Betsy 21, Becca 16, Connor 15 and the family dog Duke to round out their blended family. Tommy enjoys a good red blend while writing or hiding from the family.

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My Dad's Advice at 5:04 AM

How To Screw Up Your Kids Positively As Best You Can and For As Long as You Can

This book was actually written for single moms, because I felt the need to show that they’re great dads helping raise kids. Plus hearing my dads’ advice was, interesting.

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	Personal Growth & Self-Improvement Parenting
	35,000 words
	75% complete
	9 publishers interested
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Synopsis

This book you might think due to the title would be for dad's or men. This is not really the case. I will be the first to admit that as being an "ex" husband, well I am a pain. However, as a dad, my feeling is that I am very good.

My hope is that mom's will not only see the importance that kid's need both parents involved, but that there are GREAT dad's in the world. Even if they are an ex husband.

The title of the book, let's talk about that for a moment. After when my son Connor was born I called my dad to let him know that he was now a grandfather. He asked me a question that I was not prepared for.

My dad asked me if I knew what my role was as a dad? My only thought was to just love my son. Well, the advice he gave me helped shape my fatherhood in a big way.

The book has not just my stories but the lives of the dad's I am so proud to know.

After each chapter there are questions to help you generate ideas about parenting. I did not want people to just read this book. My intention was to create a book that will spark dialog as well.

Outline

Introduction: I will never forget as long as I am sucking in air of the conversation right after my son Connor being born with my dad. When you receive fatherly advice well sometimes you need to just reverse it.

Chapter 1: My parents divorced when I was very young: around the age of five. Looking back at their marriage there are no memories of them fighting. Not sure if that is good or bad?

Chapter 2: When you watch first hand your parents disolve right in front of; you have a sense that marriage is not meant for everyone. I did not EVER want to get married or even EVER have kid's. I wanted to be like my Uncle John and be single FOREVER.

Chapter 3: This was a tough chapter to write. When my former wife and I found out we were going to become parents I was was thrilled. We even picked out a boys name. Then you are asking either God or yourself "WHY?"

Chapter 4: The life and times of being a "Stay At Home Dad." The best job I have ever had.

Chapter 5: After I gave my TEDX talk in 2015 I was surprised. I was walking to find my wife and there were a couple of ladies wanting to talk with me. They both agreed with me that as men/dad's we do need more support. One of them even said she was going to call her former husband to let him know that he is a great dad. How cool is that?

Chapter 6: The phrase "Disneyland Dad" was not a term I had ever heard of. The whole quality VS Quanity made sense to me. Buying your kid's love is not the way to go to build a bond with them. After my divorce I had to first "work" on me. Part of that was not to jump into the dating pool. Instead of dating maybe it was time to start my own business?

Chapter 7: All I wanted to do was be a "perfect" parent, even before the divorce. Why would someone try to be perfect? In my case it was to prove that I would be a good dad. I was an only child and did not have a lot of babysitting experience. I had been told that because of those factors that I would not be a good dad.

I wanted to showcase other dad's who are still doing great parenting.

Chapter 8: This book was not a for dad's but someone like "Jen". A single mom who does not have a very good co-parenting relationship with her former husband. My hopes for this book was to let single mom's understand that their kid's need both parents: even if you HATE your former spouse.

Chapter 9: Co-parenting is not about YOU. Let me TELL YOU this again: CO-PARENTING IS NOT ABOUT YOU! It is all about your KIDS!

Chapter 10: My life has been in a fog. As a man who has had his battles of depression and failed (lucky for me) suicide attemps. You will get a peek behind the curtain of how I did not handle not only my divorce but the impact my parents divorce had on me growing up.

Chapter 11: I am very blessed to have two very smart "bonus"daughters. This chapter you will read about how to create bonds with your bonus kids. Oh we do not use the word "step" as to refer our kids.

12: After going through the book, I will take you to an Irish pub in Northern Colorado. My wife Ann and I were on a date night and went into this pub. Little would I realize that maybe my dad was correct with his advice to me.

Audience

The numbers for a marriage to end in divorce usually are common around 50 percent. That is for a first time of couples to walk down the aisle. The numbers get higher according to The U.S. Census Bureau:

· 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.

· 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

· Forty-three percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers.

· Seventy-five percent of children with divorced parents live with their mother.

These numbers are woven throughout the book because there are chapters that will talk about being a “blended family” as well as tips for dad’s who are not living near their kids.

Even though the book was written with single/divorced mom’s in mind: the hopes is that this book will spotlight the importance of putting kid’s first. Divorced parents will understand while reading this book, that as “former” spouses we are never going to be perfect. What does matter is being the best parent you can be.

The book is going to show examples of good dads who might not be in the same household but are doing their best to stay connected with their kids. This is also going to piggyback that in the world of co-parenting the kids need to come first. I know to some it sounds like “DUH!” However it is shocking to hear stories of this not being the case.

This book is also a workbook where after each chapter there are a set of questions. The questions are for both the reader and the family by helping to create dialog to strengthen the family.

This book will also appeal to couples who are dating and have kids. You will read how to ease the kids into the picture once both adults are ready to move forward with the relationship.

Promotion

I will be promoting my book through a focused and ongoing campaign during the 30-day Publishizer campaign and beyond right up until the book launch to my tribe.

Podcast: I had already been promoting the book through my weekly (sometimes even more) episodes.

Social. I am in several groups on social to help promote the campaign.

How will the funds be used?

Development editing: $3500

Copyline editing: $2000

Proof edit: $800

Cover design: $500

layout design: $650

ISBN: $125

Shipping costs of books and free copies: $1000+

I know the importance of editing and that is why I really want to use the funds on that aspect of this campaign. I have already put a lot of sweat equity into the book because I know the value on each and every page. Therefore putting the right resources into this book is only going to make it even better to help families.

9 publishers interested

	Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc. 250 copies • Completed manuscript. Atlantic Publishing has been providing millions of readers information to jumpstart their careers, start businesses, manage employees, invest, plan for retirement, learn technologies, build relationships, and live rewarding, fulfilling lives. Our award-winning authors and publication staff strive to make our products the best and most up-to-date available. We go further than most publishers to get our customers the best products. Hybrid publisher Children Fiction, Mind & Body, YA Fiction, Biography & Memoir, Business & Money, Career & Success, Cookbooks, Food & Wine, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Journalism, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Politics & Social Sciences, Society & Culture Worldwide
	Boyle & Dalton 250 copies • Completed manuscript. Boyle & Dalton was founded in 2014 and publishes works of fiction, non-fiction, and poetry. The world of publishing is changing, we're changing with it. Our founder Brad Pauquette, conceptualized a hybrid model that balances the financial and rights model of self-publishing with the quality controls and production excellence of a traditional publisher. Our designers and editors produce exceptional books that are distributed in both print and digital formats to all major retailers, including Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. Boyle & Dalton carefully consider all submissions for publication, based on manuscript quality. We do not accept erotica or children's books. Hybrid publisher Christian Fiction, Comics & Graphic Novels, Commercial Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Historical Fiction, LGBT Fiction, Literary Essay, Literary Fiction, Mind & Body, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Mythology & Folk Tales, Poetry, Romantic Fiction, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Women's Fiction, YA Fiction, Art & Photography, Biography & Memoir, Business & Money, Career & Success, Children Non-Fiction, Christian Non-Fiction, Coloring Books for Grown-Ups, Comics & Graphic Novels, Cookbooks, Food & Wine, Communication Skills, Corporate Culture, Crafts & Hobbies, Creativity, Current Affairs, Economics, Education, Entrepreneurship & Small Business, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Humor & Entertainment, Illustrated Books, Journalism, LGBT Non-Fiction, Management & Leadership, Marketing & Sales, Mindfulness & Happiness, Money & Investment, Motivation & Inspiration, Nature & Environment, Parenting, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Philosophy, Politics & Social Sciences, Popular Science, Productivity & Time Management, Psychology, Reference, Religion & Spirituality, Science, Sex & Relationships, Society & Culture, Sports & Outdoors, Technology & the Future, Travel, YA Non-Fiction Worldwide
	Brandylane Publishers, Inc. Looking for titles that teach, promote, and encourage understanding, tolerance, peace, environmental preservation, health, and wellness. Brandylane is a small, independent press, founded in 1985, that publishes fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, and children’s books. We publish under a traditional arrangement and also offer a cooperative track for emerging authors. We believe that books make a difference, that lives and the world are changed by the power of words and images, and that large publishing houses neglect a wealth of good writing. We are not looking for mainstream read-it-before self-help. Under our cooperative arrangement, we invest a portion of the publishing costs and offer a stepped royalty structure from 30% to 60%--higher than the industry average. One distinguishing feature of our program is that our marketing effort includes a one-year launch, followed by two additional years of promotion through our social media, website, our seasonal genre, and subject matter email campaigns, and continuous support from our PR team. Hybrid publisher Children Fiction, Children Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Historical Fiction, LGBT Fiction, LGBT Fiction, Literary Fiction, Mind & Body, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Women's Fiction, Women's Fiction, YA Fiction, YA Fiction, Children Non-Fiction, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Humor & Entertainment, Illustrated Books, Mindfulness & Happiness, Nature & Environment, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Politics & Social Sciences, Popular Science, Technology & the Future, YA Non-Fiction, Science Fiction & Humour Worldwide
	Cranthorpe Millner 250 copies • Partial manuscript. Cranthorpe Millner operates a hybrid publishing model. This means, should an author pass our editors’ strict filtering system, we can offer different kinds of agreements depending on the author and the manuscript. With some authors, we work under a ‘traditional’ model, whereby we cover the full cost of publication and the author is offered industry-standard royalties (8-10%). To some authors, we offer what we call a partnership or contributory agreement, whereby the author is asked for a financial contribution so that we may share the risk and enter into a partnership together to publish the author’s book. In this case, the author receives around 60-75% royalties. Hybrid publisher Children Fiction, Literary Fiction, Literary Fiction, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Mind & Body, Mind & Body, Romantic Fiction, Romantic Fiction, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Science Fiction & Fantasy, YA Fiction, YA Fiction, Biography & Memoir, Biography & Memoir, Health, Fitness & Dieting, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, History, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Science, Science, Sports & Outdoors, Sports & Outdoors, Travel, Travel United Kingdom, United States, Canada
	1106 Design, LLC Dear Author, You worked hard to write your manuscript; finally, it's ready to release. You know that expert assistance is needed, but perhaps you didn’t know that it’s no longer necessary to work with a publisher—especially publishers who charge fees to produce your book upfront and deduct more costs on the back end whenever a book is sold. 1106 Design is an author services company. We provide all the editorial and design services you’d expect from a publisher to turn your manuscript into a market-ready book—editing, cover design, interior layout, proofreading, eBook formatting, and more—at the traditional publisher level. Unlike a publisher, we’ll help you obtain print-on-demand printing and worldwide distribution in your name so that you earn, in most cases, several dollars more for every book sold instead of a measly “royalty.” We’ll customize a package of services to suit your exact needs at affordable prices ranging from $4,000 to $10,000, depending on your manuscript's word count and complexity. And we’ll manage all the intricacies of book production, so you don’t have to. After this one-time investment, every penny of net revenue from book sales goes directly to you, never to us. If this sounds like a better way to publish your book, I invite you to browse our services, design samples, no-surprises pricing, outstanding customer reviews, and educational articles at https://1106design.com. 1106 Design has been in business since 2001 and is rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau. We are a “Highly Recommended Expert” at IngramSpark.com and rated "Excellent" at Alli, The Alliance for Independent Authors, at SelfPublishingAdvice.org. How can we serve you today? Sincerely, Michele DeFilippo, owner Service publisher Children Fiction, Christian Fiction, Commercial Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Historical Fiction, Literary Essay, Literary Fiction, Mind & Body, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Mythology & Folk Tales, Poetry, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Women's Fiction, YA Fiction, Biography & Memoir, Business & Money, Career & Success, Children Non-Fiction, Christian Non-Fiction, Cookbooks, Food & Wine, Communication Skills, Corporate Culture, Current Affairs, Economics, Education, Entrepreneurship & Small Business, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Humor & Entertainment, Journalism, Management & Leadership, Marketing & Sales, Mindfulness & Happiness, Money & Investment, Motivation & Inspiration, Nature & Environment, Parenting, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Philosophy, Politics & Social Sciences, Popular Science, Productivity & Time Management, Psychology, Reference, Religion & Spirituality, Science, Sex & Relationships, Society & Culture, Sports & Outdoors, Technology & the Future, Travel, YA Non-Fiction, Science Fiction & Humour Worldwide
	Atmosphere Press 250 copies • Partial manuscript. Atmosphere Press is an independent publisher dedicated to author rights. We publish in all genres and have an exceptional editorial, design, and promotional staff. We stand for Honesty, Transparency, Professionalism, and Kindness. We want our authors and their readers to be blown away when they first hold that book in their hands. It needs to look good inside and out, and feel good to the touch. And, of course, the words need to be top-notch, and our editors are devoted to making that the case. Service publisher Children Fiction, Literary Fiction, Mind & Body, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Romantic Fiction, Science Fiction & Fantasy, YA Fiction, Biography & Memoir, Business & Money, Career & Success, Cookbooks, Food & Wine, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Journalism, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Politics & Social Sciences, Religion & Spirituality, Science, Society & Culture, Sports & Outdoors, Technology & the Future, Travel Worldwide
	Authors Unite 250 copies • Partial manuscript. Authors Unite helps you become a profitable author and make an impact. We take care of printing and distribution through major online retailers, developmental editing, and proofreading with unlimited revisions. We take care of the entire process for you from book cover design all the way to set up your backend so all your book royalties go straight to your bank account. We can also help with ghostwriting if you prefer not to have to figure out all the steps on how to write a book yourself. With our book marketing services, you don’t need to worry about figuring out all the steps on how to market a book or how to become a bestselling author. We’ve helped hundreds of authors become bestselling authors on Amazon, USA Today, and The Wall Street Journal. We take care of the entire book launch process for you to help you sell thousands of copies of your book and become a bestselling author. View case studies here: https://authorsunite.com Service publisher Children Fiction, Christian Fiction, Comics & Graphic Novels, Commercial Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Historical Fiction, LGBT Fiction, Literary Fiction, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Mind & Body, Mythology & Folk Tales, Romantic Fiction, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Women's Fiction, YA Fiction, Biography & Memoir, Business & Money, Career & Success, Children Non-Fiction, Christian Non-Fiction, Communication Skills, Corporate Culture, Crafts & Hobbies, Creativity, Current Affairs, Economics, Education, Entrepreneurship & Small Business, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Humor & Entertainment, Journalism, LGBT Non-Fiction, Management & Leadership, Marketing & Sales, Mindfulness & Happiness, Money & Investment, Motivation & Inspiration, Nature & Environment, Parenting, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Philosophy, Politics & Social Sciences, Popular Science, Productivity & Time Management, Psychology, Reference, Religion & Spirituality, Science, Sex & Relationships, Society & Culture, Sports & Outdoors, Technology & the Future, Travel, YA Non-Fiction, Science Fiction & Humour Worldwide
	Bookmobile 100 copies • Partial manuscript. Bookmobile provides book printing, graphic design, and other resources to support book publishers in an ever-changing environment. Superior quality, excellent customer service, flexibility, and timely turnarounds have attracted nearly 1,000 satisfied clients to Bookmobile, including trade houses, university presses, independent publishers, museums, galleries, artists, and more. In addition, we manage eBook conversions and produce galleys, and regularly provide short-run reprints of 750 copies or fewer for major publishers such as Graywolf Press. Service publisher Children Fiction, Literary Fiction, Mind & Body, Mystery, Thriller, Horror & Suspense, Romantic Fiction, Science Fiction & Fantasy, YA Fiction, Biography & Memoir, Business & Money, Career & Success, Cookbooks, Food & Wine, Health, Fitness & Dieting, History, Journalism, Personal Growth & Self-Improvement, Politics & Social Sciences, Religion & Spirituality, Science, Society & Culture, Sports & Outdoors, Technology & the Future, Travel Worldwide
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Introduction:
Ah the thrills and chills of putting your thoughts down on paper and then praying that people not just buy your book but even like it. The story behind the title of the book comes from the title of my TEDx talk in 2015 and that title comes from the actual conversation I had with my dad.
When my son Connor was born I was very excited to call my dad and let him know he was a grandfather. Before Connor was born my dad would explain to me that he did not want to be called “grandpa” or any nicknames that had a connotation of being a grandparent.
I understood that my dad thought in his head he would always be the Chicago bachelor and maybe he like me was scared. I will tell you that today and many years later of not only spending time with his grandson but with his “bonus” granddaughters he is a wonderful and caring grandfather.
OK back to the story at hand. I called him on the hospital phone to give him the great news. I know it was early maybe around 5:04 AM well actually that time is when Connor was born and that time is unforgettable.
I never wanted to be a dad.
Heck I did not want to get married. I have discovered as many of you have the hard way that life happens and I do believe there is a reason behind life events be good or bad moments. Part of this introduction is also my wanting to give you a feel of who I am as far as being a ex husband, dad and husband. When I say I did not want to get married that steams from watching “life happen” in front of my eyes as my parents marriage dissolved. That will leave a lasting brain tattoo. Marriage was never a goal of mine nor being a parent since I watched first hand the impact it had on my psyche.
The title of the book comes from the moment in time that Connor my son was born and along with that was also the unique title to the TEDx talk I gave in 2015 in Loveland Colorado. The day Connor was born was where our story takes place. I called my dad to let him know that he was officially a grandfather and that is where I received my fatherly advice and well this was very memorable phone call. My dad was not excited about being a grandfather and this is not a knock on him it was a reflection in his mind of getting older and he might have been thinking that he was not the single Chicago bachelor any longer.
I am so grateful of being a dad, period end of story; print it and heck stop the presses. In the past I have used the hash tag #ILoveBeingADad on social media but it was not really until first when my son was born and then becoming a “bonus” dad that it truly was not on my list of things I wanted to become. I have spoken on the topic that I never wanted to be married and I never wanted to be a dad because of watching first hand of not only my dad leaving but I never felt worthy to be a dad. This book is going to take you to places such as what I was thinking the day I gave the TEDx talk to even how my relationship with my two bonus daughter has grown through out the years.
My bond with my dad did not blossom until later in life. The moment in my opinion that our relationship finally turned for the better was when I was going to college in a small town of Winona Minnesota when my dad came up for parents weekend. This was the point in our lives that we really began to understand each other and grow. My dad was actually with me for the first visit to the school and he was immensely a huge help by getting me set up with his networking skills of introducing me to the roommates I would end up living with that year. Prior to that parents weekend I would say that he and I got along and yes I truly love my dad it just was not a solid foundation. I was more of a momma’s boy since my mom was who raised me. One quick story here; in my 20’s I was on a softball team with my friends and I was the catcher for the team. One day I was tossing the ball back to our pitcher and the umpire said to me ”hey catch you throw like a girl” with my reply “thank you my mom taught me.” That might explain a lot about me as you go through this book that it was my mom a single mom who raised me.
“Do you know what your job is as a dad? Was the question that “Tom friend of the family” A.K.A my dad A.K.A Connor’s grandfather was asking me on the other end of the telephone moments after Connor was born. I was thinking about the question in my head and my response back to him was “to love him forever?” Dad’s now profound answer back to me was shocking but later on in the book it turns out I was wrong and my dad was right, well…
The age of five has a special and unique meaning to me. This was the age I was an eyewitness of my parent’s marriage dissolve. I watched my dad leave. I was there next to my mom seeing her cry hysterically. These moments are still tattooed to my brain and no self-help book, psychologist or even self-medicating will ever take that series of life changing events out of my head.
When Connor was also around the age of five that too was when his parents ended their marriage but things were different that day. This is where I will be a sports nut relating the facts here. I can remember the date that my then wife asked for the divorce. I was in our bedroom folding (yes I said fold) my clothing as I was in the process of packing my suitcase for my business trip. The day was September 7, 2008 and it was the opening for Sunday Night Football where “MY” Chicago Bears were playing that night and quite honestly that was all I was thinking about.
I learned in my personal life that when you hear the word “fine” out of a ladies mouth it is not a good thing. She came into to the room and asked if we could talk and I gave her a male answer as I pointed to the TV saying a one word response “football” and her one word answer back to me of “fine.”
That evening (right before kickoff) she told me she wanted a divorce. I did not say a word.
I stood up grabbed my car keys and climbed into my car to find a place to watch the game.
Chapter 8:
When I wrote my first book “25 Tips for Divorced Dads: How to create special moments and grow your bonds with your children” my thought it was a book for only dad’s but I was surprisingly wrong.
In 2009 I was on a flight from Denver to New York’s LaGuardia Airport. One of the flight attendant was just super nice to me (and yes most flight attendants are very nice). I wanted to do something for her. I had learned that she was a divorced mom so I gave her a copy of my book before we had landed. I explained that I wrote the book to help other dads stay connected with their kids.
Before we landed she came by to thank me for the book. She stated that the book could be for mom’s too. I really never thought of the book for both mom’s and dad’s.
I had originally outlined this chapter on my whiteboard titled “Bonus Dad Tips” but as I started to think about whom this book was and it is for you single mom’s. You are really the audience I want to speak to.
My vision of this book was someone we will call “Jen”, a friend of mine. She is divorced with two girls and has an amicable relationship with her former husband. While I type or stare at the outline that is mind mapped on my whiteboard, I am thinking of “Jen” and trying to fit my dads advice of “screwing up” her kids fits into this book.
There is another mom in my mind that is very different then Jen. We will call this person “Vicki”. This person has a former husband that has spent time in and out of jail. This dad’s behavior has destroyed the loving relationship with his three kids. This dad is literally taking the advice of “screwing up his kids” to the extreme. I have seen first hand the behavior of this man, including being arrested at one of his kid’s sporting events. Vicki is such a great mom and does the best job to create a “normal” life for her family. It is just sad that a dad in this situation refuses to get help or does not grasp what his actions are doing to the kid’s.
Before you and I delve more into this chapter I want to give a little back-story here. In chapter ten you will read about my battles of depression and because of going through this depression it ended up motivating me to write this book. Once again thank you for reading this book.
I wrote on Linked In Pulse a post (say that 10 times) about getting back on the “writing horse.” I was going through some major depression in late 2015 into February of 2016. I was laid off in December of 2015 and was not getting any job interviews throughout the year.
I am a member of Toastmasters International where we work on things such as our public speaking skills and giving feedback. One meeting we had a guest speaker who runs an author coaching business. Bob, who is my Toastmaster club mentor, pulled me aside after the meeting to say that maybe this is a sign that I needed to write again. He knew what I was going through at the time.
I did take Bob’s advice and wrote the Pulse post to share my thoughts of someone who is creative but also has depression. After I posted the article I received a Linked In message from a gentleman named Scott who lived in the Denver area. He wanted to schedule a time when we could meet over coffee.
Scott explained to me that he was working on a book and wanted to know if I would be interested of being accountability partners? I am not sure if this book would of EVER been written if it was not for Devine Intervention. Yes I do believe that there are no such things as coincidences in life. There is a “power” in the Universe and in this case Scott was who I needed to help push me to get this book to you.
We all need a push from time to and you should not be afraid to ever ask for help. I was honored and even to this day that Scott reached out to me.
Back to what this chapter is about and that is offering up tips to help you and your family by using the tag line “From divorce to dating…To the BIG day…You know, Marriage. No real order of these just tips that we have used in our coaching program or tips I have seen from others.
1.     I feel is a good tip to start you off in a positive direction. When you start to date and my wish is that you first discover “you” first before diving into that pool. When you are going to introduce you kids to your new “friend” please do it at a very neutral setting.
My dad did not give me a heads up when he took me to not just meet his new “friend” but the plan was going to stay at her apartment. The lesson here is not to force a new potential relationship onto the kids in a setting that is uncomfortable for all of you.
When my wife Ann and I took the big step of introducing the kids to each other, we did it at an outdoor ice rink where if the kids did not get along during that time then they could simple go to opposite ends of the rink. I look back at the memory of me totally flipping out in my dads girlfriends hallway closet. In hindsight that ugly (oh it was ugly) event could have been avoided if it was just maybe having dinner and then my dad and I would of left to head back to his apartment.
I strongly recommend this advice to you and your friends who are going through the dating process. Talk about “screwing up” your kids if you force them into an awkward situation.
2.     My bonus dad Dan taught me how to be a bonus dad without him really teaching me. There are many of you men (yes I am going to pick on you) that you enter into the dating or even marriage thinking it is your way or the highway. Please STOP doing that. Dan did not do that to me and I respected him a lot more and quicker. There is no need at first to puff out your chest and demand that the kids bow to you. Neither Ann nor I used that attitude with the kids because we had seen that from others and just creates tension not a sense of unity. Respect the kids and they will eventually respect you.
3.     This is a fun one and that is to bond with the pets. I am serious here.
4.     Show a vested interest towards the kid’s interest. I learned that gymnastics was a huge part of my future bonus daughter’s passions. In my opinion it is not just about showing up to the events but learning about their passion and asking them questions can make a difference in everyone’s lives.
5.     Spending one-on-one time with the kids can be a great way to build relationships. Spend time having coffee with them, hike together, or just listen to them at their favorite place to eat. Ann is big with giving her time to causes and because of that her and Connor will attend events together. When Becca was in 8th grade I would pick her up from school every other Monday and our first stop was to get a ice cream cone. Spending time together as a family is wonderful so is spending the one-on-one time.
6.     Coming into a new family dynamic is rough but honestly if you are not willing to at least try and be part of the kids world then they will not respect you nor ever like you. Even the pets will have a distain for you.
7.     Just because I am a male does not mean that when it comes to fixing things around the house I can. God bless Ann because she is very mechanically inclined. She also recognizes my insecurities of being a dad. She will remind me that I am a great dad to our kids. My gut feeling is that more men want to be told that they too are great dad’s or positive male role models if they do not have kid’s themselves.
8.
While I write this book I cannot help to think of the advice my dad offered to me in a sense though of his own personal history. What I mean by that is he fully is self aware of the mistakes both as a husband and father he made.
I too am self aware of not being a great husband in my first marriage and the errors I made as a dad (Connor falling off the bed story). I have been reminded of my faults and that can play a toll on a person’s psyche. Yes I know that occasionally I am late.
Being a dad I will not speak for other dad’s but for me wanting to be the perfect to all of our kid’s is not possible. I would even make the bold statement that trying to be the perfect bonus dad is even more of a daunting task. I really wanted to be liked by Betsy and Becca; however respect was the bigger goal I wanted to achieve. This is why I shared with you the previous tips.
During the TEDx talk I made a plea to the ladies in the audience and I would even venture to say the ladies who have watched the talk on video, the plea was to help promote positive fatherhood.
My dad might have offered me some strange, unique or even unusual words but I know he has always meant well. Even today if I post something on Facebook and it is not in proper English he will send me a email to show me how I could of improved my sentence structure. He does this because he does care and for that he is a great dad.
The first time he met the Betsy and Becca he was such a gracious host. He treated those two ladies just like a loving grandfather should. He and his girlfriend Susan treated the girls so beautifully and my dad showed what a spectacular city Chicago is.
The underline theme for me in the book is to talk to you about that there are good dads in the world.
For me as a man it can be hard to acknowledge that my former wife husband is a good person to our son. Yes it is a jealousy issue because this man gets to spend more time with Connor then I do. However he does show support of Connor’s interest. That’s all I want to say about that.
Then again I can only venture to guess that the same can go for the ladies too. Seeing your kids with “another women” can be difficult. In my experience the good thing is that ladies talk out these issue with friends where in my case I write my feelings into a published book for the whole world to read.
Do you give yourself enough credit for being a great parent? What about accepting others? Yee, when I mean others I mean our former spouses and their spouses. I have admitted that there are times that I want to be that perfect dad but it is not really possible. What we all need to strive for instead is how to help our kids live up to their potential.
In the next chapter it is going to be about “Co-Parenting” and you will read about the MANY mistakes I have made. It was not until a family court judge emphasized to both former wife and myself that we needed to work on our co-parenting skills.
Yes it can be rough watching our kids going back to the other parent’s home and to see that they have better things. This is where you can actually use jealousy to fuel your fire to not compete but to work on you being a great parent.
In our house we do not have expensive toys like Ann and my former spouses have. Does it hurt that they have hot tubs, campers and second homes? It does at times. Then again that forces us not to compete but get creative for family trips. This paragraph might be an oxymoron but it truly is not that way.
I recently attended a networking event for entrepreneurs. The host had us all introduce ourselves and to say what our business does under a minute. I do not know if I more shocked or just thinking that this was normal of what 5 of these businesses did. Attending this meeting where 5 different types of coaches that solely worked with women. There was one gentlemen who worked with families but his practice was focused on masculinity of young men ages 5 to 25. Then there was me.
Knowing that men need to take the first step to admit they want help is why I focus on blended families. The reason is that the man will be asked (or told) to attend a workshop. I will be the first to admit that I do not always like to ask for help.
On the Blending The Family podcast I interviewed Jason Pockrandt. Jason is a coach, author and a TED x speaker. I asked him if men have an image problem? He agreed that as men we are still stuck with the 50’s mentality. The philosophy is that men are not allowed in today’s day to still hide their feelings. This is why I understand that there are many women coaches who do specialize in women’s needs. Women are more apt to seek help.
Frankly I wish that more and more men/dads would step up to admit that they are struggling. These men would look at the books in the “self-help” sections in bookstores and tell their partner that he is going to buy that book to seek help. Announce on social media that he is attending a workshop and wants other men to go with.
There is this fantasy that is in my mind, not that type of fantasy. I stare at my email inbox thinking that a guy is going to send me an email because 25 Tips changed his life. Still waiting on that one. A woman once bought my 25 Tips book on Amazon and asked if I would sign it for her friend. She also asked if I could reach out via email to him. I did and did. Can you guess what happened next? That is right. I am still waiting to hear back from the guy. The Brightside is that someone really cares about him to see that he needed help.

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Johnny Nomad
on June 15, 2018, 12:59 a.m.

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You are an amazing man, father and friend. You freaking Rock. Your passion for this subject is like nothing I've seen before.

People I encourage you all to support Tommy as I know you will not be disappointed and check out his podcast. Can you say amazing!

Scott Clark
on June 16, 2018, 1:09 p.m.

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We love you Thommy! Keep up the good work!

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