When ‘happily ever after’ shatters, the pain of divorce can feel unbearable. It’s tempting to numb it with anything to dull the ache. But in After Happily After, I offer a different path forward. Drawing on my own journey, this book reveals how to forgive, rebuild, and find renewed purpose, guiding you toward healing and the chance to truly thrive.
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As an Emmy Award-winning filmmaker and former Content Producer for The Dave Ramsey Show, I have over twenty years of experience crafting messages that resonate deeply and drive real change. But beyond my professional background, I write After Happily Ever After from a place of lived experience. Having endured a painful divorce, the loss of family members, and challenges that nearly cost me my daughter, I understand the depths of pain men face during these crises. Through my own journey of healing, I’ve developed a clear, actionable roadmap that can help millions not only survive but emerge stronger from the darkest chapters of their lives.
This book is my way of reaching beyond the hundreds of men I’ve coached across the U.S. and worldwide. It’s a unique resource for men, addressing a profound need with honesty, empathy, and practical guidance. I’m convinced that this message of resilience and hope has the power to transform lives.
My book is written for men who are in relationships that are on the rocks or who are already going through divorce. The marketing is targeted toward the ladies who are likely to be the ones that buy the book for the men in their lives.
"An outstanding call to arms. It is beyond words what I feel. I have seen many manuscripts over the decades I have been involved in publishing and you, Jason, have produced a complete knock-out work. I cannot thank you enough for having the energy, purpose, and frankly, the guts to scribe what is truly an outstanding contribution to believers, and indeed non-believers, sorting out their lives." Jim Penberthy - Publisher
This book is not only AMAZING for readers but amazing for me on a personal level. I have a difficult relationship with several family members. I have never read anything that has helped me think through some of the boundaries that I need to set like this. I love the "nuclear option". It made me really feel empowered that that option is okay sometimes... Thank you for being so honest and turning your pain into a source of help for other people. - Marcia Zimmermann, Editor
Jason Crossman is an Emmy-winning director, producer, and creative force with work showcased across Cinemax, CMT, Fox, MTV, and even in People Magazine. Known for his high-profile collaborations, from directing celebrated music videos for major artists to producing award-winning content for The Dave Ramsey Show, Jason has an impressive range that extends across film, television, and commercial branding. Now expanding his expertise into AI and Data Science at MIT, he brings a rare mix of creative vision and technical insight that sets him apart in the industry.
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CHAPTER FIVE
WHAT BOUNDARIES?
“Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential to building anything that thrives?” - Dr. Henry Cloud.
In the physical world, boundaries, which you might also call borders, are easy to see. Many are clearly defined, whether property lines, roads, river banks, or even the inside of a car versus the outside. Yet, when it comes to relationships, boundaries are not so easily defined - and they might even change from moment to moment if they exist at all - more of a minefield than a healthy border. This chapter will examine one of the truths that profoundly affected my healing and helped me become a much better, more content man.
I enjoyed working with Henry Cloud as the Content Producer for the nationally syndicated Dave Ramsey talk show. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote the New York Times best-selling book Boundaries, and let me tell you, this book rocked my world. It was primarily because it never occurred to me that I had boundary issues, and that fact contributed significantly to the breakdown of my first marriage. It also was one of the primary reasons it took me such a long time to heal. The book showed me how I had few personal emotional boundaries; I had difficulty saying no, especially to my Ex. I often work to make others happy because I am naturally joyful and want them to be delighted. Allow me to elucidate.
I am an agreeable sort of chap. This likely stems from moving many times as a kid, which meant I was often the ‘new kid,’ and being the new guy frequently made me a target. One of the easiest and surest ways to avoid conflict is to deflect incoming questions/accusations with jokes, self-flagellation, or exaggerated self-appreciation. While these tools may be effective in the short term - meaning they can deflect incoming hostility or unwanted attention - they lack the depth of character to lay the foundations for meaningful, lasting friendships. In other words, they’re a bridge to nowhere unless something of substance lies on the other side.
I had a Christian upbringing and took the “turn the other cheek” to heart. I got the letter of the law but missed its spirit. I liked to treat others how I would like to be treated and naively assumed others would do the same. I had not yet come to appreciate how those attributes, while good in and of itself, it needed to be balanced by healthy boundaries.
As a result, I am willing to concede things I want to make other people happy and help them get what they want, but not to do so at the sacrifice of my better judgment or self-respect. A willingness to put ourselves second works great in a relationship when both parties operate with the same understanding.
However, when you are the only person surrendering and not setting boundaries for yourself, you appear weak and unreliable, a pushover. In a relationship, not having reasonable limits and the ability to say no is a death nail. As any girl reading this book can attest, they do not want a man who cannot stand up for himself. The world can be perilous, and a lady needs to know her man can take care of her when necessary. She wants to be confident that he can unleash the beast to provide and defend, consciously or subconsciously. When we don't establish well-communicated boundaries or stand up for ourselves, we create a cycle of resentment. It's a degrading, emotional spiral leading to a nasty, bitter end. So, putting others' needs ahead of your own is a good thing, but it can create problems like feeling off-balance and harboring bitterness.
Let's refer to my example in Chapter Two when I mentioned the man at Walgreens who wanted money from me and insisted I give him some, or he would put his dirty hands on my daughter's face. I ended up giving in to his demands to keep him from bothering me, and I was angry. As I mentioned, I did not give from a place of peace or love and instead passed on and took away anger and resentment. When I returned home, I put my daughter to bed and beat myself up about letting him take advantage of me. I repeatedly played out the scenario in my mind and realized it was part of a pattern of behavior where someone asked me to do something.
I should have said no, but I did it anyway, then felt taken advantage of and ultimately unloved. I made a decision, then and there, to set boundaries. I would define them and then practice using them. I wished I could have started with the man in Walgreens, but I didn't know what I didn't know. I had the first opportunity to put my commitment to the test the following day when I was at Taco Bell. I was in line and suddenly looked out the window; the same man who had taken advantage of me the night before walked across the parking lot and into the store. I looked up at heaven and then back at the man as he walked straight toward me, passing the four or five people standing behind me in line.
"I need a dolla, man. Do you have a dolla? I'm hungry."
"You took advantage of me last night. When I was at Walgreens, you asked me for money, touched my daughter's face, and took five boxes of granola bars from me. I should have said no to you then, but I'm saying it to you now. “No. Absolutely not."
What came next was a deluge of profanities and curses before he turned and walked out of the store in the same direction he had come. Everyone in the store stared at me, with what I had assumed would be judgment until several started clapping. I had just done it. I had set a boundary and protected my heart. I immediately felt empowered, like I had taken care of myself. And I got a small piece of the respect I had given away back.
I began setting boundaries everywhere. I started saying 'no' more often, and when I said 'yes,' it was because I genuinely meant it. It was liberating. A considerable weight from years of others' expectations lifted off me.
Of course, there needs to be balance. I am speaking to guys like myself, who were more of a doormat (It hurts to admit that.), guys that tried so hard to make their girls happy, but seemingly, the more they tried to prove their love, the more they only pushed their partners away. I should have said no many times before. No, it's not okay for you to speak to me that way. No, I am not okay with you hitting me… ever. In any relationship, making the other person happy is not your job. That's their responsibility. You can contribute to their happiness, but the pleasure needs to come from inside of them. If we expect our spouses to make us happy, we set them up for failure. They will never be able to live up to the expectation.
I've since remarried, and this was one of the first boundaries I set with my wife. It has been an essential foundation for our success.
Now, you might be reading this and thinking that it has nothing to do with me, but I'd like to present the possibility that you are living on the other side of "boundary setting" and lacking those necessary to keep your emotions and fears in check. In a relationship, it's important to have boundaries and assert oneself; make sure you are not overemphasizing dominance or aggression because those conflicts and power struggles are terrible and lack emotional closeness. Healthy relationships require a balance of assertiveness and empathy. It's best when you can be savage when necessary, but you learn, in love, to turn those abilities toward your loved ones in service. We create a much stronger, safer, and more stable home. You are laying a firm foundation, built on something solid your whole family and community can benefit from and build on.
If you lack boundaries with others, you must establish what they are and determine a good way to enforce them. If you lack internal boundaries, you need to decide what areas of your inner life are uncontrolled and spilling onto others and then develop a strategy to prevent it. It's empowering and exciting to start taking these steps, but here is a warning: the other people in your life might not appreciate your new boundaries and could leave. Embracing that possible eventuality is terrifying and the primary cause for why we don't set boundaries sooner.
Losing the Relationship? No Thanks.
The real test of my new boundaries came when I first told my Ex, "No." I had already practiced my new boundaries with people at work, church, parents, and even God, but the most significant challenge was saying no to her.
She had already left and divorced me and had taken one of our cars in the deal. She called me one day and told me the car needed an oil change, new brakes, and gas. My knee-jerk reaction was to want to help, but I stopped myself moments before I said, "Yes."
"No." I hear the words escape my lips. There was a pause.
"Excuse me? You have to do that."
"I don't. You left me, and I pay child support. You need to take care of that yourself." She was stunned, and so was I. She sputtered out a response.
"I'll call my attorney…"
"Great. Do it. I'm not paying for it."
I hung up the phone before she could protest any further. I fell on the couch to catch my breath. My heart was pounding in my chest. Why? Why did I feel so flustered? Fear. The fear was the same as if I had been in a near collision. More specifically, it was the fear of losing someone that I love.
But she was already gone. Being "nice" and letting down my boundaries to accommodate her request so she wouldn't be angry or disappointed was no longer relevant in any capacity. I could say no, and the worst thing that could happen was she could call her attorney and have him tell me the same thing. I could say no to him, too! As I thought about that interaction, I began to see how I had allowed myself to be taken advantage of. And by allowing myself to be taken advantage of repeatedly, I lost my ex's respect.
I don't know if she ever loved me, but she respected me. And once that was gone, there was nothing left. She could treat me however she wanted, and I would have done it to help make her happy. It's embarrassing for me to admit, but it is a fact. It was the cage I had built for myself. But, despite the horrific divorce and subsequent custody case, it had done me a favor. It had left the door to my emotional prison open, and now all I needed to do was to overcome my fear and choose to walk out.
The outcome was astounding. As a result of my willingness to set boundaries, my Ex's tone toward me changed instantly. The next time we spoke, she asked me instead of telling me what to do. We began working together on some things instead of against each other on everything. She knew she needed me, and if Kinasha were going to get my help anymore, she would have to be more diplomatic and respectful of my boundaries. It will only sometimes work this way. The other person will likely become far more hostile to your new rules, but you will feel more in control of your life and choices. You can decide when you choose to contend or when you choose to withdraw. You can pick when you help and when you do not.
When we are willing to let go of relationships with people who will not respect the emotional and physical boundaries we set, we will get a newfound sense of self-respect and control over our lives. We will be able to see who respects and loves us the way we are and whose acceptance of us is conditional. At times, our boundaries may stand in stark contrast to the limits set by others, and they may withdraw.
We have to respect their boundaries and let them go. For example, I would like to spend more time alone to work on projects I have been putting off. The person I am with may want someone always available and around. When I express my new boundary, I may find it a deal breaker for them. To keep the boundary, I must be willing to let them go. It's a terrifying prospect, but do you want to be with people who do not respect or accept your boundaries?
What Are Some Good Boundaries?
How do I know if my boundaries are good? How do I know they are helping me and not hurting me? I know; I just spent the last few pages stating the importance of setting and keeping good boundaries by saying, "No." But good boundaries, like relationships, are fluid. They need to be flexible to maintain relationships. Good emotional borders acknowledge the limitations I have chosen to set for how I like to be engaged while, at the same time, leaving me the ability to decide when, where, and with whom I lower them.
As someone who did not have or respect my boundaries, I needed to practice setting them up until I was satisfied with them. And until I was okay with the consequences of enforcing them. Yes, even if it meant losing a relationship. Once I was more in control of those limits, I was ready to benefit from their presence fully.
Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend wrote a great example of this in their book. They stated, and I paraphrase, "When you have a house with a lawn, you know very clearly where the borders of your property are, so when someone walks onto your property without an invitation, you know it immediately, and you can welcome them onto your grounds, or you can threaten them to leave." They extend the metaphor to your car, "If you stop at a red light, and some rando opens the door and sits in the passenger seat uninvited, what do you do?" You tell them to get out, of course, and I'm sure you wouldn't do it nicely. However, you may decide to let them stay. You may find out where they are going. You may choose to take them to their destination, but you have the choice: Enforce the limits of your property and car, or relax the rules and let them in.
Good boundaries are also emotional choices that lead to life. Whenever I hear a new idea or thought, I follow the thought to its most logical and probable conclusion. If that conclusion leaves a wake of broken homes, hurt people, fractured relationships, or devastation, I can logically reject the idea as “bad.” Similarly, I apply the title “good” to anything that improves the well-being of myself and others, such as anything pleasing, noble, excellent, or praiseworthy. Likewise, I consider anything that leads to loving relationships, peaceful homes, increased patience, tenderness toward others, faithfulness, and self-control as traits or attributes that create a more joyful existence.
Here is an example of two choices: one that leads to life and one to death. The first pertained to something being taught to my daughter in school. Her teacher told the class that trans men who believe they are women are women and should be treated as such. I am all in favor of respecting and treating people with dignity. Still, I am entirely opposed to this logic and was disappointed it was being taught to my daughter in math class instead of math, but I can’t always be there to counter every thought or idea she is told, nor should I be. It is up to her to decide what is right and wrong for herself, but she needs the tools to do so. The conversation went as follows:
“Let me guess. Your teacher also said that your parents would disagree with her or couldn’t understand because we are old-fashioned and grew up in a different period.”
“Yes,” she replied. “Exactly.”
“Well, then, let's follow her idea to a logical conclusion for how it can impact you as a woman, and you can tell me if the concept creates something that leads to life in you or death if it’s positive or negative.
“Let’s take your soccer team, for example. What is the point of a soccer team? What do you want to do?”
“Win.”
“Right. And you’ve spent years training to play on the varsity team for your school, correct?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve also scrimmaged against the boy's team.
“Yes.”
“How did that go?”
“We got crushed.”
“Now imagine how it would impact your team if one of those boys suddenly claimed he was a girl and was allowed to play on your team. Would he most likely take a starting position?”
“Yes.”
“Whose position?” She mentioned a weaker player.
“And if other schools started playing more boys claiming to be girls and most of their team was trans, would you be more likely to win or lose when you play against them?”
“Lose.”
“And if the goal of a team was to win and you kept losing to teams made up of boys believing they were girls, what would probably happen to your team?”
“They would look for trans boys to fill the team so we could win, which means girls wouldn’t play.”
“Does that benefit or hurt you and the girls on your team?”
“Hurts us.”
“Does it lead to life or death?”
“Death.”
“I lead you through this exercise, but try it out for yourself. Consider how your teacher's ideas will impact you if you follow them to their logical or most probable conclusion.”
The second scenario involved one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My wife had left and taken our daughter, and I did not know where they were going or with whom. That alone is devastating, but to top it off, when my daughter came back to me, she was so excited. She sang the praises of the “new” guy and how he had done all these amazing things for her. He had carved her a seat from a tree, given her ice cream, and taken her fishing. It was so much fun! Everything inside of me was on fire. I was furious. I wanted to choke the man. Carving chairs from trees and taking her fishing was my job, not his.
Here I was, doing everything I could to save our family, and this guy was doing everything he could to ensure it was destroyed. I had several choices, life-and-death choices. I could have grilled her and pumped her for information about who he was. I could have justifiably yelled and screamed out loud. Instead, I chose to think about her. I forced myself to defend and protect her and minimize any damage our choices had on her (It’s impossible to protect them from everything).
“Aw. That’s wonderful. I’m glad you are safe and had such a great time. Did you catch anything?” I saw red, but I put a boundary between my daughter's and her parents' choices. I would not take my anger out on her, blame her for anything, or use her as a tool to get back at her mom. Another example of sticking to that boundary came one day when my daughter came to me crying. She was visibly distressed and feeling caught in the middle.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know who to believe.” She said through tears.
“About what?”
“Mom says you yelled at her, and you say you didn’t scream. I don’t know who to believe. Who is telling the truth? It was a horrible position to be in for both of us.
“Let me ask you something. Do I yell at you?”
“No.” She sniffled.
“Do I yell at your grandparents or my sister?”
“No.”
“Do I yell at our cats?”
“No.”
“That’s because, as a rule, I don’t yell. If I did yell, there was probably a good reason. Like if you were running into the street and I yelled at you to stop. So don’t worry about who is right or wrong. Just watch me and judge me by my actions. If I tell you I don’t yell and yell at you all the time, then it doesn’t matter what I say; I’m a yeller. But If someone says I scream or I hit people, watch me. See how I behave. Then you will know what to believe.”
Not every thought or idea you receive from others, no matter their status or degree, will be good for you. I include myself in this. As you read this book, ask yourself if these ideas will lead to a net positive result if you apply them. If you adopt most ideas that lead to death, your life will be marked by anxiety, imbalance, purposelessness, and loneliness. Some ideas can even lead to physical death if acted upon.
Prioritize self-respect: Good boundaries should allow you to value and honor yourself. Do not tolerate disrespect, mistreatment, or abuse from your partner. Have a healthy regard for your values and integrity and demand healthy and respectful treatment. Likewise, do the same for others. As Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets." - (Matthew 7:12). That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. It means you must honor and respect yourself enough to have good boundaries and love others enough to allow them to do the same.
How do I know when to relax my boundaries?
There are certain boundaries I will never rest. For one, I will never let the person I am with scream at or publicly fight with me. It's a no-go for me. I will ask them to stop first; then I will tell them to stop; then, if they continue, I will walk away. If the pattern continues, I am willing to let that relationship go. I will not let someone speak to me with that level of disrespect. I won't tolerate cheating of any kind. Emotional or physical. If you don't want to be with me, then "bye." Let the door hit you on the way out. I will repeat myself here, but I will not allow my spouse or partner to expect me to be their source of happiness. These are a few of the boundaries I am unwilling to bend. Others I may be willing to turn depending on the person include things like. I don't want my sleep to be interrupted. It's important to me, and if I don't get a good night's sleep, I underperform when I am awake, making me feel lazy. However, if my wife wants to wake me up to let me know the house is on fire, I'm thrilled to relax my boundaries.
There are two exercises I want to introduce to you if you need help with setting healthy boundaries. The first is a great exercise I found in a book by eHarmony founder Neil Clark Warren, "Date or Soulmate?". I've taught it to my daughter, who has often told me how helpful it is when considering a relationship with someone. While it is a book about dating and finding a soulmate, it applies very well when considering personal boundaries and is an excellent place to start if you need help knowing where to begin.
The second exercise I developed is about discovering who you are and what makes you uniquely valuable. It's hard to see when you've been in an abusive relationship or abandoned. One night, I came up with it when my head was swimming with negative thoughts and drowning in unworthiness. We’ll talk about it in the next chapter!
Food For Thought
We’ve talked a lot about setting good boundaries or making good choices. What are some good choices you have made that you are proud of? What are the negative ones? Is there anything you could do differently to set better expectations for yourself?
CHAPTER SIX
BOUNDARIES = POWER
Ten Things I Love About Me
Take a piece of paper or get your laptop and write down the top ten most important things when considering how you want others to treat you. There is no right or wrong answer here; your answers can change when they aren't working for you. It can be as simple as "They need to encourage and build me up instead of tearing me down." "I need people to listen and not interrupt when sharing my feelings." Or, "I need to be left alone when I am angry so I can calm down before I speak."
After you have written those things, put your pen down and walk away. Take a minute to think about how the people in your current relationships are treating you or how they have treated you in the past. How many of those top ten things did your partner violate, and how many did you allow because you refused to stand up for them or because you failed to communicate they were essential to you and just expected the other person to know?
Chances are you are discovering that your boundaries are being obliterated. It's one of the primary reasons you feel unloved, disrespected, and abused. These are expectations you can use to establish boundaries. Once you understand them and express them clearly, begin enforcing them immediately.
My modification's next step to this exercise is to write down five consequences. What are five things you can do if the other person refuses to respect your newly expressed expectations? The consequences for violating boundaries need to be increasing in severity. To be diplomatic and increase the likelihood of being heard, you should follow the "ask them, tell them, punch them" model. I heard about this model as a kid from my dad when I was dealing with bullies:
Hopefully, as adults, it will not come to blows, but there needs to be a nuclear option, usually and most effectively in the form of, "I'm leaving.": leaving the room, leaving the conversation, leaving the relationship. "If you cannot stop yelling at me and talk to me respectfully, I’ll (consequence).” This will be the place to interject one of the five consequences you wrote down and apply them accordingly.
This method of boundary setting is best used when the individual is most likely to be hostile. But you should be more diplomatic in your approach. In my most recent and lasting relationships, I handle disagreements by asking a question to which their answer will likely be “yes”. Then, I followed the question by offering a solution to the question I just asked. It helps to get both of us on the same page.
The first question is used to get you both on the same page. It reminds her that you’re both in the boat together and have to pull in the same direction if you hope to get safely to shore; otherwise, you’ll only be rowing in circles, and if you do that too long, it escalates to the point you’ve created a whirlpool that sucks you both down.
Stepping back from the emotions of the moment allows you to establish a goal to work toward together, that is, “the something” that you both want. It becomes a lighthouse leading you through the storm.
As a young man, I grew up on the coast of Maine, and my family lived in a house on the ocean. We also had a small boat with an outboard motor, and my friends and I would take the boat on Friday afternoons when school got out. Then, we would head out to the surrounding islands to camp and live off the land. We’d return Sunday night before dinner, shower, and hit the sack. On one occasion, we selected an island about three or four miles out, set up camp, and fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I woke up with extreme pain in my right eye. When I reached up to touch it, I found a large spider, and it had somehow bitten my eyeball. It swelled immediately and was gushing water.
I told my friends what happened, told them I’d be back to get them in the morning, took the boat, and headed the four miles back to shore. (I know. I should have had someone come with me.) The problem was, that it was pitch black that night, no moon, no stars. To top that off, the sea was wild, the wind was whipping, and water was coming into the boat. With one eye swollen shut and intense pain, I pressed on into what I thought was the direction of home.
To make matters worse, I ran out of gas, too, and filled it up with what I had left in the can. I was lost, in pain, and in danger of getting swamped when I rounded a small island, and there, in the distance, was the shore, and on the shore, one small light shining brightly from a window. I turned the boat and headed toward the beacon. A while later, I made it to shore, and the light turned out to be one my mom had left on in the kitchen. My mom always turned off all the lights, but that night, she had been mopping and backed herself out of the room. With the floor wet, she couldn’t get back to turn off the light.
That had been my salvation. That one small guide led me out of certain calamity. Despite everything, I was able to persevere and make it home. When you and your spouse can identify a common goal you both want, and you work toward it, you can get through the storm. If she has already left and you are picking up the pieces, that small beacon will be the purpose you set for yourself back in chapter three.
The second question is to let her know how best to communicate with you, and you’ve already established that’s not by yelling. "But I'm not yelling!" She might say. And to that, I reply: “It seems like it to me. I feel like I’m being attacked. If you want me to understand, please try it another way. Think about what you want me to understand and express it in a way I can appreciate.” For me, my wife Rei has learned to use humor. I respond very well when she shows she respects me and then uses parody or exaggeration to point out the absurdity of my thinking. It’s quite comical, lowers my defenses, and allows me to see things from her point of view. I can still disagree with her, but at least I have heard her, and I can make a good-faith effort to address the problem.
The third question acknowledges her feelings. You respect and appreciate the fact she’s angry without necessarily agreeing that her anger is justified. Then, appeal to your shared goal of understanding each other to resolve the disagreement.
In this, you will have set boundaries without getting angry, without agreeing to the cause, and without attacking her and putting her on the defensive. By appealing to her for help understanding her point of view, you’ve put you both on the same team, working together to solve the problem instead of trying to declare who’s right and wrong.
In such situations, I imagine the two of us against the world, back to back, swords drawn, leaning against each other, each defending the other against whatever might try to tear us apart. My goal in any boundary setting is to get us working together to establish mutual respect boundaries while simultaneously solving our problems. In the end, If the other person refuses to cooperate. Nuke them.
The Justifiably Angry Producer
I was working as the Assistant Director on a feature film. We had been shooting for about three weeks, which was very hectic. There were a lot of things that needed to be improved. For one, the rangers of the park we were shooting in told us we could exercise a lot of freedom in the park. We planned our entire shoot based on being able to hike off the trails and hit the locations we had previously scouted. On the day we showed up to shoot, a new park ranger arrived and informed us the previous ranger we had been working with had been fired, and we would now be working with her. According to her rules, we would not be allowed to shoot off of the trails, we would not be allowed to use our guns, and we would have to finish shooting every day by five o'clock. That was brutal. Months of planning and tens of thousands of dollars lost. No matter how my director argued with her, she refused to budge and threatened to cancel our shoot. Our producer was furious.
Compounding the problem, the smoke bombs we used to create fog (stupid idea, I know) were much more robust than we had been told and, while wonderfully effective on screen, had the adverse effect of appearing like a forest fire. You can imagine our producer's disappointment when the helicopters arrived, along with a dozen firefighters and additional park rangers. These were not our finest moments and very uncharacteristic of our organization, but at this point, we were winging it to hold everything together.
Two days later, I was in my room when a thunderous pounding came on our hotel door. When I opened the door, the producer came barging in. He was furious. His eyes were on fire, and he was looking for blood. He started screaming at me about what I knew and how much I had allowed. I didn't know what he was talking about. He continued his attack, accusing me of being unprofessional and endangering his career.
At this point, I realized this had nothing to do with me. The producer was angry and worried. He was looking for answers, and I was the closest target to vent his frustration. Plus, I was the AD. I could have attacked him back, expressed outrage at him bursting into our room unprovoked, or screamed at him for the unfounded accusations. I knew it wasn't about me; it was about the world that had seemed to suddenly stacked up against him.
So, I chose to ignore everything he said about me; it was irrelevant, and instead, I focused on what he wanted. I started with what I knew. He had a horrible week, was way over budget, our production was in danger of derailment, and his job was on the line. I determined he needed to vent and someone to appreciate everything he was doing to make this production successful despite the setbacks. So, I decided to join him in his tirade instead of opposing him.
I led with.
"I'm so glad I'm not a producer." He was shocked. He stopped yelling. "Being a producer sucks. It's hard, and no one appreciates what you go through."
"That's right."
"I'd be pissed too. You had the rangers almost canceling our shoot, the crappy issue with the smoke bombs, that was our bad idea, and then the budget isn't enough to do this well, and it's such an important project."
"It is. And the bosses don't understand what we're dealing with."
"How could they? They're not down here solving all of these problems? You're doing an excellent job, and I know that despite our setbacks, we have a fantastic team, and under your leadership, we will give them a tremendous movie."
"We are doing a good job. We've overcome a lot, and it is looking great."
"It is! Did you see all those amazing shots we got yesterday? Which was your favorite?"
The conversation continued until we laughed about some crazy things that had already happened. I assured our heroic producer we were on track. Once I was confident he had been attended to and significantly vented, I brought up his earlier complaint because I didn't know what he was talking about. He mentioned he had heard some of the actors had jumped off a waterfall after he had told them not to. They had jumped off a waterfall, but not the sixty-five-foot waterfall he was afraid they had, but rather, a five-foot fall into a warm spring. He left laughing and even hugged me; when the door closed, my roommate looked at me and exclaimed. "How did you do that?" A few days later, the producer pulled me aside, apologized for what had happened, and appreciated my understanding. The project was one of their highest-grossing films, and to this day, the producer and I are still excellent friends, having worked on dozens of other projects together.
Consider the Source
I first consider the source when attacked to answer my roommate's question. Does the person challenging me like me or love me genuinely, and do they want what's best for me? If the answer is yes, then I must consider that, in some way, their behavior toward me is an attempt to either help me, connect with me, or express frustration over how I have failed to communicate with them. It is easier to remain calm and listen when I understand they ultimately want what's best for me, even if the way they are going about it is failing. If I believe they love me, I will take their words to heart and consider how to apply their advice. I will find ways to enforce my boundaries more diplomatically.
However, suppose the person attacking me doesn't know or care about me. In that case, I disregard entirely anything they are saying about me. Instead, I focus on what they are trying to get from me. Is it a reasonable expectation? If I determine that it is, or might be, I have to be willing to surrender the point and adjust my boundaries accordingly. Secondly, consider if there is something that I need from them and decide whether to negotiate the point. If I genuinely believe (not feel), that their demands or expectations are unreasonable. I have to let them know that I am willing and prepared to walk away.
At times there is a temptation to say, “But what if some of what they say is true?" Throw it out anyway. It is poison. If you have a bag of chicken and know one piece is poisonous, do you eat the other chicken in the bag? Heck, no! Despite how good the rest of the chicken might be, I don't want to risk eating the contaminated chicken by accident. There are people you know will tell you the truth in love. So you don’t have to accept it from a source who doesn't care about you or is actively trying to hurt you.
One of the things Kinasha used to say, which got me stuck in a knot, was that no one else understood because they didn't have to live with me. This hurt deeply. It was partly true because she was the only person who lived with me and had to every day, but it was also false because my parents lived with me for eighteen years and my roommates for six and never expressed the same accusations. Additionally, it was a false premise. Were her assumptions and statements about me correct, they would be so only because they were true, not because we lived together. So, I needed to consider the source. At that time, she had already left me and needed a reason to justify leaving, so her intentions toward me were not honorable: my thoughts and feelings didn’t merit her words any consideration.
Deflect/Dissect/Determine
It's hard to be kind when you feel attacked, but when you genuinely focus on understanding other people, you can find solutions to problems that may have otherwise seemed impossible. When a hostile person confronts you, first deflect the incoming attacks by cutting immediately to the heart of what you believe is making them attack you. Throw them off balance and make them consider if their anger is directed toward the right person by directly pointing out the issue and then complimenting them on their ability to handle or deal with the problem so far. Then, follow up with questions or statements that help you dissect what the problem is and discover if you are, in fact, responsible. Lastly, as I did with the angry producer, determine what you can do to set boundaries and solve the problem together.
I'll give you one more example of the deflect/dissect/determine boundary setting in action. Several months ago, I drove to with my new wife to Burbank in the middle of a three-lane one-way road. I needed to turn into a parking garage and almost missed the entrance, so I pulled a hard left. I heard screeching tires and a horn. A man had pulled into the far left lane behind me, and I had not seen him. He came inches from smashing into my driver's side door. I was angry. He had not been in the lane when I turned and swerved behind me, nearly causing the accident. But he was also furious, and rightfully so; we had almost crashed because I turned into his lane. He got out of the car, ready to throw down. It wasn't hard to determine he did not have my best interest at heart. I could see his carotid artery bulging. Before he could say anything, I immediately thanked him. He froze.
"Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. You just saved our lives."
"I did?"
“Yes. We would've crashed if you weren't a good driver. Then I turned to the other people who had witnessed the event and applauded him.
"That's right." He yelled. "I'm a good driver!"
The other drivers cheered him on.
"I'm so sorry. Thank you!"
All I lost was a little pride, and I was able to get to our reservation on time. I deflected the anger, quickly dissected the problem, determined the cause, and determined to downplay my part in the near accident while deflecting the other driver's anger toward me.
I had set a boundary: I did not want to fight with random strangers before my date with my wife. By defusing the situation, he respected my boundaries without even being confrontational. However, while this approach may work situationally, it only sometimes works in a long-term relationship. For those relationships, the limitations must be firmly and clearly defined and, at times, enforced.
Roommates Too? Yes!
I had a roommate after my wife left. She was a good friend, and we got along well. However, an expectation was developing in her mind that followed the lines of me needing to behave toward her as if I were her boyfriend or husband. She kept asking me to do things for her or argue about where I was going or who I was with. I became upset and took it personally when I remembered my boundaries. Firstly, she wasn't my girlfriend or spouse, so I did not need to tell her anything I did not wish to. Secondly, I didn't want her yelling at me. I'm not a screamer, and it's the surest way to get me to shut down and the most likely way to get precisely the opposite of what you want.
During a time when she was expressing her feelings, I stopped her. "I'm going to stop you. I love you, but I'm not your boyfriend. I don't have to do that for you. That's your responsibility. And if you continue yelling at me, you’ll have to leave." I left the chat, and she was upset enough about my boundary that she moved out. As I've said before, that is the risk. She might choose to disengage or leave, but I kept my dignity despite her choice. I decided to respect myself and immediately felt a surge of life.
A piece of the brokenness inside of me healed. Though we were no longer roommates, we remained friends and developed a healthier relationship. Because I had become more aware of my expectations, I could notice more clearly they were being violated and respond.
Become Confident Enough to Set Boundaries
The second boundary exercise we are going to use is my self-esteem generator. It’s just a list, but it works! Because I had spent the better part of ten years being reminded of my shortcomings, I needed something to accent the positive things about me. So, get out your paper or notebook again, and let's get to work.
I want you to write the numbers from 1-20 on separate lines. On each line, write one good thing about yourself. It's okay; this may take a while, days even.
1. I am a good listener.
2. I can fix almost any car.
3. I encourage people.
4. I am generous with my things.
5. I work hard when I am excited about something.
Whenever you begin to feel bad about yourself or unworthy, or when someone tears you down, go back to this list, read it out loud, and remind yourself that while you might have negative qualities, you also have a significant number of great things which the other person is not choosing to focus on. I use this when someone points out something negative about me. For example, my boss might say, "You are late to work again. You are always late, and it's irresponsible."
While he might be right about me being late, he is wrong about me being irresponsible. On my list, I have written, "I am a good father and a hard worker." So, I will respond with something like this, "You're right, I was late, and I'm sorry." I addressed the accurate part of his complaint by saying I'm sorry and acknowledging I was late. Then I said, "I never knew being a single dad and a good father was so hard and unpredictable. It might be a flaw, but wanting to do my best no matter what I am doing can put pressure on other areas of my life. I know it's important, so I'll ask my mom if I can get help in the morning to be on time. Do you have any suggestions?" I agreed with his original complaint in this response and expressed why I was late. It was not because I was irresponsible; it was just the opposite. I was late because I was being responsible, just not in the way he wanted at the time.
I was working hard to be the best single father I could be— a task requiring enormous responsibility. I then expressed I had already been finding ways to cope after office hours but would look for new ways to get help before work so I could arrive on time. Then, I appealed to his sense of importance by valuing his opinion and looking for help.
This example is one of the ways you can apply the self-esteem generator exercise in real time. It helps us identify valid and or misrepresented words spoken over us. Once we can determine those false things, we can call them out and counter them with facts. It is essential in court when your ex's attorney does everything possible to make you look horrible. Acknowledge the facts and then oppose the lies with the truth. I used this repeatedly during my depositions.
The Hills We Are Willing To Die On
"That's it! I am not doing this anymore. No more yelling at me. No screaming. No midnight favors. I'm not giving you a reason why I didn't text you immediately. I won't nod and smile while your parents rip my job apart. I don't care if you need another pair of shoes, I'm not buying them because you already have fifty pairs! No more skipping workouts to watch soap operas, No more workouts to watch soap operas; I'm not cooking, cleaning, working, fixing the car, or painting the house. I'm out! OOOOGA OOOOOGA. Abandon ship!
What happens if you suddenly have thousands of new boundaries and try implementing them all at once with little to no tact? While you might be tempted to throw up all of your boundaries simultaneously, doing so may result in catastrophic failure. Unless you are divorced, I suggest a more staggard and diplomatic approach. Easing into your new expectations will enable your spouse, parents, boss, or whomever to adjust to your new rules.
To begin implementing new boundaries in an existing relationship, start with one or two of your most critical issues. We will call those the "hills you are willing to die on." They are the boundaries for which you are willing to lose the relationship if they are not respected. For example, you have decided you are not okay with your partner screaming at you publicly or belittling you in front of your friends. The next time it happens, wait until you get back to the car, and before you go anywhere, let her know it hurt you when she yelled. I like to start that conversation with questions that help correctly align your relationship to the truth of where it is.
"You love me, right?" You might say.
"Yes." She hopefully responds.
“I love you too. Which means I genuinely want what’s best for you. Do you want what’s best for me?”
Hopefully, she says: “Yes.”
"I think you do, too. And because of that, I’ll tell you that you hurt me, hurt me enough to make me angry, angry enough to be bitter, and I don't want anger and bitterness to come between us."
"Okay."
"Remember when you did________. I felt like_______. Is that how you wanted me to feel?"
"No." They will usually get defensive and give a reason to explain why they did what they did. Ignore that. Whatever the reason, it was insufficient to justify yelling at you publicly.
"I understand you're upset; you might even be right, but if you want me to respond to you favorably and hear what you have to say, then wait until we get into the car or until we get home."
"I'm not yelling. It's not yelling."
"It is, to me. And if you do it again, I love you, but I will walk away. I won't stand there anymore and let you yell at me."
Whatever relationship you’re involved in - with your wife, your boss, your friend, or co-worker, It’s safe to assume you will get resistance at times like this.
In most cases, the other person will have a list of reasons to resist your boundaries. Stand firm, and when it becomes necessary, remind her about what she is doing, and if they keep doing it, follow through with your threat and walk away. Whether you are still in a thriving relationship, a dying one, or one that has already kicked the can, establishing boundaries for how you expect to be treated and creating a consequence for violating those expectations will benefit your healing and future success.
Lastly, remember to employ empathy in all of your boundaries setting. Your aim should be to create or establish healthier interactions and not obliterate the other person. Even in a divorce, if not for your sake, for the sake of your children. Don't be a pushover, but bring peace where possible.
A Compliment Sandwich - Peace Where Possible
One of the best ways I have discovered to implement change or deliver potentially harmful news more digestibly is to use a compliment sandwich. I apply the principle in my relationships with my wife and kids, on set when working with my actors or crew, and use them when teaching.
I don't recall where I first heard about the compliment sandwich, but regardless, it works, and I've used it to significant effect. The premise is just like it sounds—compliment, correction, compliment. I will let the person I am addressing know I appreciate and value them, or I might acknowledge something they achieved. Then, I will offer a correction or inform them of a choice I am making that they may not like. Then, I will follow the discipline with another compliment, for example. My daughter works very hard in school and has a good attitude. However, this week, she was in a horrible mood and was being disrespectful to her mother and me. I want her to understand my new boundary. I will not be spoken to disrespectfully, regardless of her emotions.
It might go something like this:
"I appreciate how hard you work in school and how dedicated you are to doing your best. It makes being your parent very exciting and enjoyable. (Compliment) However, this last week, something has been very off. You talked back to your mom; you've been snippy with me which is not like you; and it’s not okay. (Correction) I know you are usually very good at sharing your feelings when something bothers you, so I'm sure you will let me know what is going on so we can help. (Compliment)." That is a receipt that can open the door for meaningful dialogue and help my daughter course correct while maintaining peace. Positive behavior and firm expectations take time, but consistent encouragement will yield results.
What about with my Ex? What if we hate each other? Even if you hate someone or don't get along, it can be more effective than a verbal assault or name-calling. Here's an example of how I used this process to renegotiate custody when I moved to California without the need to go back to court.
We were living in Tennessee; Kinasha had moved out of state, and my daughter and I had remained. I was offered a job in California and knew I had to take it. However, according to Tennessee law, Kinasha would have to agree with the move. We had a horrible custody battle the first time, and neither of us wanted to go through it again. Here's how it went:
"We've both been through a lot and considering the horrible situation we went through with the custody; we did an outstanding job focusing on our daughter. She's doing so well. Given all that, I have been offered a job in California, and we need to move. I know you will oppose this, but instead of going to court, let's take what we learned from before and work on something together. Let's assume our daughter ends up with you in your state. What will that look like? What school would she go to? How would you care for her? And who would pay for what? I will do the same thing for California. Let's look at both situations, without deciding which one we should do, and decide together the best situation for each location. Once we have done that together, we can debate which will be best, so regardless of who "wins," we both know she will be okay. I'm confident if we focus on her, we will come up with what is best for her, and we can do it without spending a fortune in court." She agreed. We worked out both scenarios, found the best schools in the area, and put down all the pros and cons of both places. Then, we argued our cases and came to a final agreement.
Despite our agreement, I suggested we present our solutions to our now teenage daughter for her to decide, without animosity or pressure from us, which she would prefer. She chose to go with her mom, and while it hurt horribly, it ended up being best for her. She graduated top of her class and got a whole ride to an incredible school, plus she's a phenomenal human being!
I wasn't able to do this because we got along so well. I could do this because I had done the healing work I've been discussing in this book. I overcame the horrific divorce and abandonment challenge by resisting bitterness, choosing to forgive, setting good boundaries, and putting the focus on our daughter.
Striving to make choices that lead to life starts with developing good boundaries.
Boundaries Create Momentum and Power
One of the things that will become incredibly clear while establishing boundaries will be the surge of energy you feel when you begin to see results manifest in your life. You will start to be treated like you want to be treated, and those who refuse to honor and respect you will self-eliminate, leaving you free from the baggage of potentially toxic relationships.
The more you practice, the better you will get and the sooner you will be able to recognize actions or comments that create negative energy and harm. Enjoy the victory and the surge of self-confidence that comes from respecting yourself, and then turn that energy back toward your new goals and vision. It will be a catalyst to create momentum.
I turned it into physical energy first. As I began to feel more confident, I wanted the outside to match the inside. I started working out three to four times a week, cutting a lot of the garbage I was eating out of my diet. I also focused on standing up straighter. The physicality of walking into a room with my shoulder back and head up impacted me psychologically. I began to believe what I hoped to achieve was possible, and in turn, it gave me the energy to get up and do it. I got a new full-time position as the director of post-production for a film house. I wrote a book and several scripts and started sharing my story.
The greatest freedom came when I realized I no longer looked outside myself for affirmation and value. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I was doing this. I would be healed and pursue my goals with everything in me. “I” was enough for me, and that was all I needed to kick myself out of the rut my divorce had left me in. That and a lot of prayer. (I am only expressing the part of healing that depended on me.)
I’m excited to hear about your results. I can’t wait to see what happens when you commit to creating and lovingly enforcing good boundaries that lead to life for you, your family, and your future relationships.
Food For Thought
Boundaries are essential in personal growth and relationships. What are your top ten most important boundaries? How can you work to implement these expectations at work, at home, with your parents, and with friends?
If people continually violate your boundaries and disregard your desires, then there is a strong chance you are or have been in an abusive relationship. What steps can you take to create positive barriers that enforce how you want to be treated?
A lack of personal emotional boundaries led to difficulties in my first marriage and extended the healing process. In what way is a lack of personal emotional boundaries creating a never-ending loop of disappointment in your relationships?
As you've experienced, a lack of clear boundaries leads to resentment and emotional turmoil. The resentment manifests as bitterness and uncontrollable anger. Identify areas of your life where your immediate reaction to someone else is anger or resentment. They are violating a boundary you need to identify or enforce clearly. Check out those areas and add what bothered you to your list of expectations.
More Food For Thought
Take a moment to look back at your answers to the first question I asked in this chapter - the ten ways in which you want others to treat you. Here’s an important question: do you treat others in those ways? If not, the work of learning self-respect begins with extending self-respect to others.
It all goes back to what Jesus said two thousand years ago: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Simply put, treat others the way you wish to be treated, and they will be much more likely to return that respect.
CHAPTER SEVEN
PAIN IS SUPERFICIAL. IT GOES AWAY
“Pain is superficial. It goes away.” - Jason Crossman.
I know it's ludicrous to quote yourself in your own book, but so was my statement, so I find it apropos. When I was growing up, my best friend's dad owned a rock-laying company. This man is freakishly hard-working and a complete sucker for punishment. I mean, you would have to be a little sadistic to go into any form of masonry- especially in the Deep South - in 100+ degree heat. I have never seen a man work so hard in my entire life. During the very brief time I worked with him, he would wake us before the sun came up, haul our butts out to whatever God-forsaken job site he had us working on, and commence pulverizing us into dust with boulders.
Ten to twelve hours and nine thousand pounds of rocks later, we would go home, sleep, and repeat. When we inevitably started to complain about the physical demands of the labor, he would assume the Hanz and Franz posture, shoulder back, chest out, terrible accent, and declare. "It's all a part of your training to make you stronger. No longer little girlie men."
Physically, It hurt. It really hurt. And every muscle and bone in my body ached. Even my earlobes groaned in pain. One such day, when I dropped a rock that bounced off my leg, I declared, "I'm fine. Pain is superficial. It goes away." That became a funny go-to motto whenever something hurt me physically. And while it was effective at helping me laugh off minor bodily harm, I found the philosophy completely fell apart when someone or something broke my heart. That pain stays.
I can easily recall some of the emotional wounds I received decades ago and instantly relive the experience. It's a large part of why we don't deal with emotional pain and instead try to sweep it under the rug. The sting of it hurts less over time, but the scars can remain for life, and when we recall those events, in a way, we experience the trauma all over again. No, thanks.
Pain Has It’s Positives
“Time by itself heals nothing.” Thrall - World of Warcraft
Emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain comes from violated expectations. It is rejection, the loss of loved ones, and bodily harm. Pain is loneliness, abuse, and feeling unloved or unwanted. Pain is a lack of purpose and a loss of hope. Pain is a warning that something is not okay.
But pain is also an ally. It teaches us to let go of ourselves, sharpens us by building up perseverance, and strips away parts of us that are fragile and selfish, the characteristics of us that are not ready to receive or even recognize the more incredible blessings to come. Pain rids us of useless fantasies and focuses our attention on the things and relationships that matter most.
Before my divorce, I was very concerned about what people thought of me and feared rejection. I endured the worst rejection, assaults on my character, and abandonment, but I was still alive. In a weird way, pain was the key that liberated me from the fears that had dominated my mind.
In the past, I held on tightly to what I loved; my hands clenched around it to keep from losing it. That meant sacrificing what I wanted most to keep my ex happy. Now, I have learned to love with my hands open. My loved ones can leave anytime; I will not hold on to them. If they want to go, it will hurt, but I want to be with people who love me for who I am and who respect me. Pain taught me that, or rather, pressing through the pain and not running from it.
Pain helps us appreciate the most valuable things in life. Pain allows us to celebrate victory, enjoy peace, and appreciate love. I think it is one of the reasons Jesus said, “No greater love has any man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Pain is so terrible that when someone willingly chooses to go through pain to help us. It gives us a deeper understanding of what it means when someone says, “I love you.”
Pain is necessary for growth. Remember Life’s Gym? And while I do not recommend going out and looking for pain. I do encourage you to press into it. It’s a fact we can minimize with wisdom but can never avoid it because people have free will. And as long as they have free will, there will be pain. When pain comes, the best way to have victory over it is to embrace it, wrestle it to the ground, and overcome it.
I would never want to go through what I did during my divorce again, but I would not change what happened to me. The man I became due to my struggle and the life I know I have are too valuable and a direct result of overcoming hardship, focusing on healing, and being open to trying again. I know the suffering feels eternal and never-ending, but there will come a day when you are free. And if you don’t run away from the pain, that day will likely be sooner rather than later.
A Great Time to See What Else Is There.
Pain allows us to examine deeper wounds. Wounds from your past are difficult to recall, and we often erect barriers that prevent us from dealing with them. We may hide them under layers of false pride or overconfidence. Or we may carry them as a constant inescapable pressure, thus taking on a woe-is-me attitude toward life. Regardless, when something as deeply traumatizing as divorce happens, the pain often shreds through our defensive barriers, exposing the raw emotions beneath. You can try and move to quickly cover the past wounds and insecurities before they spill out, but more often than not, the new pain will reinforce and falsely magnify the negative self-preceptions you already held. And unless you are willing to deal with it, you will be doomed to repeat it, cementing it into your psyche.
It is a form of what we call in communications a self-fulfilling prophecy. Through self-fulfilling prophecy, we look for experiences that support our beliefs and then use them to enforce those perceptions, often despite evidence to the contrary.
What follows may not be what you want to hear - any more than to hear someone yelling “fire” in a crowded theater in the middle of your favorite movie - but alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity will not, in the long run, equip you to cope with reality. To properly heal, those false ideas must be exposed, confronted, and replaced with truth. If willing to do the work, we can rebuild our foundational beliefs to serve us better. So you see, as terrible as it is, pain allows you an opportunity to break negative self-fulfilling cycles.
Example: I can refer to my brother-in-law. I love him dearly, but he got caught in the crossfire of a self-fulfilling prophecy that stemmed from past pain, both things that had been done to him and things he had brought upon himself. He was terrified that his wife would leave and take his children. He was so convinced she was always looking for someone better than him that he started down a slippery slope of questioning her about everything. Who was she with? What was she doing? Now, real or imagined, his fears kept taping into unhealed past wounds that drove his emotions to unbearable heights.
Through his obsession with avoiding pain, he ended up creating the very scenario he had wanted to avoid. It was difficult to see him lose his relationship with my sister, niece, and nephew and then the subsequent spiral into despair. His story is a stark warning of the importance of dealing with our brokenness in the healthiest way possible. We don’t want to experience this type of loss again. It hurts too much, so we need to be open and honest about how we got where we are and what can be done to change ourselves so it doesn’t happen again.
So, since I was so broken, I said, "Let's deal with whatever is down here so I never have to break like this again." I discovered some wounds from my past that impacted how I perceived my worth and value. There was one particular phrase that kept coming up over and over. "You have so much potential, but…" It was always the "but" that got me. People saw something great in me, but something extraordinary was always out of reach. If I could only do X-Y-Z, then I would be able to become great. It always felt like a carrot on a pole dangling before me. I tried hard to be enough to get rid of the “but”. I wanted to make myself more organized, more disciplined, more perfect. However, I'm not sure I ever can. Can we ever fully live up to other people's expectations? Like the carrot, it's a goalpost that is constantly moving away.
Nice But…
I was a very energetic child, and while some label my thought processes as an ADD disorder, I label it as highly creative, upward-reaching, optimistic, and hands-on. I never excelled at sitting at a desk all day, and to this day, I still have a hard time confined to my desk. I was willing to study harder for my mom to get better grades. For my father, it was a way of applying myself toward my goals, not making bad choices, and not giving up so easily. For my teachers, it was sitting still, following the rules, and taking my tests. One of my teachers told my mom when she was worrying, "Jason is going to make an incredible adult; we just have to get him through high school."
To a very significant degree, I am now free from the weight of people's expectations, and I would not have been able to get to that point unless the experience had broken me. Unless I had not torn down the walls protecting my ego, exposing my inner soul, I wouldn't have found the freedom I desperately needed but didn't know I did.
So, the next time you get bad news from your attorney, and you feel your body go limp from the pain, when you start to retreat into your emotional cocoon, remember your situation is not forever. And while you are withdrawing, think of the pain like a light, a horrible, terrible, annoying little light, and allow the pain to take you wherever it wants to go. Please don't stop it. Allow it to probe your past. Your fear. Your failure. Allow it to touch the darker corners of your mind.
I always ask myself questions whenever pain exposes something. Why does that hurt so much? Why do I get angry when someone says that phrase? Why do I want to be alone? Why am I hiding that part of me?
If you're having trouble separating yourself from your pain and it's all you can see, try this: Imagine you are a character in your own story. Like Clint Eastwood, you’re writer, director, and lead actor; the guy you’re playing has just lost his wife. What is he doing? Picture yourself as the viewer, watching the movie from the comfort of your couch. Then, ask yourself, "What would make this scene better?" He could be crying in pain and pounding the wall. Maybe he falls on the floor and shakes. As silly as it sounds, taking a moment to see yourself in the third person allows you a different perspective on what you are facing.
Then, ask more questions from there. Why does he even like that girl anyway? She's horrible to him. She has been for years. Why did that guy let her take advantage of him for so long? What made him so weak, and why didn't he stand up for himself? Why doesn't he say no?
Once you are conscious enough to start objectively asking questions about what you think and feel when you break, you can uncover the thoughts and ideas behind many of the deep emotional scars you carry. The exercise is beautiful because it also helps you discover answers to what you can do about your situation today and what you need to add to your boundaries to ensure you are not adding your current suffering to the baggage of the past. As the director of the movie of your life, you can yell, “CUT!”
Humans can accomplish many things, both internally and externally, but there are some things we need help with. While exercises like the ones I propose are excellent at relieving pain and pointing us in the right direction, they can only do so much. They cannot replace the holes left by the pain and the longing we have in our souls to be fully known and fully loved. It's impossible for anyone or anything to fill them. Anything you put over the hole will only be a type of band-aid.
The Way To Golgotha.
I discovered that, to completely heal, I had to lay my pain and its crushing burden down at the foot of Christ’s cross. The death of Christ, whether you consider it actual or symbolic, expressed the supreme example of the pinnacle of human suffering and the merger of love, meaning, and purpose all in one place and at one moment. At the moment of his death, he experienced excruciating pain and claimed he did it for others, for us. He endured the pain now, so we don't have to bear the pain eternally.
We can find healing in His life, death, and resurrection. Jesus demonstrated how pain transforms us into free, loving, holy people. When we go through the crucible of pain when we die to ourselves, we lay down our burdens, and then we can truly live. It's the supreme example of what I spoke of earlier in the chapter. Once I had gone through the crucible of fear, rejection, and failure and came out of the other side, those things no longer held me. I survived and thrived, and now I do not fear rejection. I don't fear failure. I still feel the pain. I'm not too fond of it. But it doesn't get to hold on to me. I have been set free.
God is the only source of deep, lasting, and eternal healing. The healing that comes from God goes beyond anything we experience. It turns our pain into something beautiful - much like a lump of coal is turned into a diamond by applying relentless heat and pressure - and unites us with the entire human story.
The book of Hebrews, in the New Testament of the Bible, talks about it so eloquently when it says, "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." We are part of something greater, writing our lives into the fabric of human history and being cheered on! We can pull from the stories of others, past and present, and find support and encouragement to persevere here and now.
And we can add our own story, helping people generations from now. Pain is not the end. It is the beginning. What would that guy on the couch do with his life if he could get up, brush himself off, and overcome the pain? Who could he become? I'm sure he's got some extraordinary dreams.
Pain Is Energy
I have experienced significant pain in my life. A drunk driver killed my girlfriend in college. Another great friend met the same fate at the hands of an intoxicated motorist six months later. I lost three grandparents, jobs, and financial troubles in rapid succession. While those were terrible, they were temporary one-time events I could grieve and move on. It was not until my wife left and took our child with her that I understood long-term suffering and the deep pain stemming from daily rejection and abandonment. It was devastating and relentless.
Divorce, custody battles, chronic pain, war, the loss of a child, and infidelity leave deep scars. If life has taught me anything, more pain will come, compounding whatever remains unresolved. Even as I write this book, I’m facing loss—two friends gone, one from a vaccine complication, the other from a hit-and-run. My wife’s country is under Russian invasion, with family hiding in bunkers; my father is battling cancer. Unfulfilled dreams, civil unrest, a shaky film industry, and global instability loom large. I’m sure you can relate.
What we must do - what you must do - regardless of whether you want to or not, is prioritize that thing over which you have no control and those you do. Then, ignore the former and deal with the latter.
This is important: the chance you will take the pain and emotional damage into your next relationship is high unless you deal with it now.
One of the methods I have used to deal with pain is to consider pain more like a currency distributed in the form of energy (I'm speaking of psychological distress). When we experience trauma of any kind, it sends the nociceptic neurons in our nervous systems into a tizzy. A psychologist would say it creates a kind of inflammatory soup and transmits pain signals through the excitatory neurotransmitter glutamate all over our body. All that information tickles the somatosensory cortex, hypothalamus, and hippocampus, activating the brain to respond. The brain puts a negative spin on the overload and sends signals back to our heart, lungs, and spine, telling our body, “Something’s wrong! Freak out!” All the while desperately in search of the source of pain to end it.
The same mechanism tells you to take your hand off a hot stove, but in situations like - highly emotional rather than physical - it’s confused as to where the pain is coming from, so it just sends out a system-wide “S-O-S” without offering any really helpful solutions. But shutting off the alarm doesn’t seem to be an option; it just cranks up the volume. “Something’s wrong! Freak Out! Freak Out!” When there’s no quick solution, we must endure the pain. However, with a fair amount of practice, we can “capture” those negative feelings and energies and convert them into something positive. We can train ourselves to understand that the whole world isn’t falling apart. However, it may feel like it has. Gravity hasn’t all of a sudden ceased to function. The sky is still overhead. The stars are in place. Rivers run, flowers grow, and babies are born. You get the picture. It’s just our little corner that’s in chaos. Realizing this helps to localize the source of our pain and take steps to respond to it in a manner more likely to affect a positive outcome.
Pain: The Good and the Ugly Kinds
Sugar entering the body doesn't come out as sugar. It converts into energy. Likewise, sex has incredible power and a myriad of results across the body. Pain, too, creates energy that, in and of itself, is indifferent relative to positivity or negativity. It’s not much different from electrical energy, which doesn’t choose or care where it goes, whether to power a life-saving piece of medical hardware or an electric chair. It’s our response to the indiscriminate energy of pain that determines outcomes.
Our natural response to someone inflicting pain on us is to lash out. It’s a negative response, and it rarely produces positive outcomes unless it is the nuclear option we discussed earlier. It’s the atomic bomb to relationships. So, recognizing this, we lasso it, take control of it, and redirect it in a way more likely to produce a positive response.
So, if I recognize the anger I feel from pain, the ache it causes, and my desire to lash out as energy, I can choose to do something else with it. I don't have to lash out. Instead, I can turn it into something constructive. There’s no law that says we have to respond in kind, to lash out when we are lashed upon, to yell when we’re yelled at, to throw and break things when things are being thrown and broken around us.
We have a choice. We have the power to tell ourselves, “Cut! This scene isn’t working. It's time for a rewrite.”
We refuse to be taken captive by our gut response. Even if we can’t control the situation, we can control ourselves.
In times of high negative emotion, when fuses are short and tempers are flaring, it’s better, wiser, more mature, and more responsible to be water than sulfur.
On one occasion, I was experiencing some frustration with a project. I don't recall the particulars, but I had been sitting at my desk and fuming while getting increasingly frustrated that I was not progressing on anything I was working on. Suddenly, the thought hit me. What I felt, the anger building up inside me, was just energy. And I could use it to do something else. I got up from my desk, honest with myself, because I knew I would not be finishing what I was working on.
I found my lovely bride, the woman I've been with for the past ten years, and asked her, "Is there anything you've wanted to be done around the house that you haven't been able to finish and would like done today?" She smiled a big, beautiful smile that made me feel better instantly. She had wanted some new safety outlets in our bedrooms. So I grabbed my tools, tore out the old outlets, and installed all new ones. Then, I painted one of the guest rooms and took out all the trash. I used anger to serve my wife, and with the positive momentum I built serving my wife and taking care of my home, I returned to my desk and finished the project far more quickly than usual.
It was a conscious choice to acknowledge how I was feeling, recognize it as energy, and then use it to accomplish something else I needed to get done. I could have used my anger to curse the person causing it. I could use my frustration to destroy my office by throwing chairs or consciously trying to do something good. Serving my wife enabled me to take the focus off of myself and put it on her. My goodwill and love for her overrode my anger, tamping the emotion and converting the frustration into physical labor.
Physical exertion is another incredible way to redirect anger and pain. I spent a lot of time at the gym. I have a love-hate relationship with it. I get highly bored working out, but I love how it makes me feel, and the results in my body vastly outweigh any negatives. I gained almost twenty pounds of muscle during my divorce and subsequent custody case. Working out helped my posture and gave me confidence, energy, and a positive outlet for converting frustration into physical labor.
Pain does not have to be the end of you, but you can use it to create a new beginning, focusing on the goals you set for yourself in the previous chapters. Any time you get lost, focus on who you are and what you will achieve. Say it out loud.
Have a Schedule
If you’re not big into scheduling your day, you miss out on a fantastic tool to give you a sense of order. When your world has been flung into chaos, and you feel entirely out of control, having order to your day you can fall back on will make the mess of healing that much more meaningful. You cannot control your Ex, you cannot control the court system, the judges, who are spending time with your kids when they are with their mom, but you can participate in things you can control. Get out of bed on time, get dressed in something nice when you go out, and brush your teeth. Plan one meal. Things you know you can do that give you small wins will go a long way to creating something stable you can stand on while your world is spinning. It also looks better in court when you have your stuff together.
Gratitude As A Weapon
A powerful tool is available for you when you are overwhelmed with pain or anxiety: gratitude. We'll talk more about it in a later chapter, but understanding appreciation can change your focus, support your immune system, promote happiness, and give you incredible strength to persevere when you are suffering. When we are in pain, we focus everything on the source of the trauma and the eradication of it. It's not a bad thing for short-term solutions like a bear chewing your arm, but for long-term emotional suffering, when you cannot simply run away, it can be very damaging.
Whenever my life overwhelms me with negative thoughts and feelings, I declare everything I am thankful for out loud. While it may seem everything in our lives is terrible and over, the truth is many things are good. When we shift our focus to some of those, it puts the pain into perspective. It doesn't make it go away; it simply aligns it with the total reality of life.
At the time, I forced myself to express this gratitude. Yes, my wife left, and she took our child. Yes, divorce is destroying my finances, and I am facing contempt charges for failure to refinance my house, but I have amazing friends. My parents, sister, and extended family love me and support me. I am passionate about my work. Life was pretty good. It might be, “My car is a convertible, and it's sunny! Or I live in my favorite town on the ocean.” Whatever those things are in your life, express gratitude for them and for the people who love you and support you right now.
It was also a time to make declarations for things I wanted to have happen. I’d declare: “I’m thankful I will make more money than ever before my divorce. I'm grateful I will find love again and do it better this time. I appreciate the opportunity to heal from past trauma; I will be a healthier and happier person.” Forward-focused gratitude pushes your subconscious attention into the future, focusing your consciousness on what you want to happen. You will learn in the next chapter the power this action has to manifest an entirely new and successful trajectory for your life. It’s not a genie in a bottle, but it sets your ship toward the right harbor.
Go ahead and try it. "I'm thankful for my sister, who goes out of her way to help me take care of my daughter when she is with me and allows me to clean the house. I'm grateful for work I can pour my energy into that provides for my home. I appreciate my friend Matt, who will take my phone call, no matter the time of day, letting me pour my heart out to him. I freaking love my sports car that I can take and get away.” For the exercise to be effective, you need to practice it daily. It's the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before I go to bed. And I do it whenever my emotions and anger start to overwhelm me or when I feel out of control.
I also express gratitude for the things I am learning during the suffering. I'm thankful I am becoming more patient. I'm learning to appreciate the value of true love. I'm setting boundaries that will give me more profound satisfaction in my relationships. I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow. What? Opportunity. Yes! It is. It's not what we want, but it is the chance to get something we need. It’s counter-intuitive, but it works!
Food For Thought
I hope I’ve shown you that pain is not just an unpleasant sensation but a multifaceted experience with the potenital to teach, transform, and lead you to a deeper level of self-awareness. A deep level of self-awareness can lead to more prosperous relationships and fully developed and self-actualized boundaries. Additionally, you will be creating perseverance, which is what works in and through you to ensure you are a complete and mature person.
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Go man Go!
Congratulations, friend! I'm excited to read it!
May the Lord open up His blessings over you and use this book to change lives for the good.
Hey brother, you are a blessing, and I know God will use your story to help others with theirs.🙌🏽
Can’t wait to read it!!
As a fellow class mate at George’s Valley, I am happy to contribute to your publishing project. Congrats and best of luck with your goals. Take care my friend!
~ Rob McFarland
Ordered !
Thanks Jason. Your story is a very timely and important one.
Melissa
Many men are crying out for help, and your book will be just what they need.
Grace and peace,
Stephen
Congratulations, Jason. May God work through this book and through your life to touch many with His love and healing.
Letsss gooooo!!!
So looking forward to reading your book🥰
Jason we are so excited about this project! We know some of your story but are excited about all that or great and sovereign Lord has done through and in you for your good and His glory! Lord Jesus provide for Jason what he needs to make this fly (into the hands of all who need it,need you). Love Buddy and Kim
Can't wait to read the book, Jason!
- Peter Day
So grateful you took the time to write this book, Jason! You have so much to share! I saw first hand what an amazing dad you were while in TN. Always positive and cheerful, yet dealing with sooo much. Proud of you, Jason! God bless and bless!!!
OK, my order for an AUTOGRAPHED copy is submitted.... I can't wait to have people I know order from my friend!
Please put something amazingly 'Jason' when you sign it!
Glad you are doing well!! Utterly proud of you!
I walked through my own beautiful journey such as this. I'm excited for you- Praying it surpasses everything you'd ever imagine!
All the success my friend. Can’t wait to read you!
Can’t wait to read your book Jason! How wonderful that God is turning your heartbreaking experiences into something helpful to others. Miss you!! I often think of the song you always played for me… Why do I … go through life… feeling downhearted…. Where’s the Joy of the Lord … why has it departed?? Love ya, Janell
Can’t wait to read it
on Jan. 25, 2025, 2:48 a.m.
I can’t wait to get my copy and read it! :)