Chapter 2. THE ROLE OF A COACH

The role of a coach is to help the client discover their true identity. Some people are so lost fighting depression, abandonment, criticism, low self-esteem, and a lack of confidence that they need someone to help them get back on track. The coach is expected to speak the truth pleasantly. Too often we associate with people including our family members who speak unpleasant truths or untruths pleasantly. This creates barriers to communication and people get hurt in the process. Clients have the qualities required to reach their fullest potential inside of them already, but an experienced coach can help the client see and understand the blind and hidden selves; See Johari model in chapter 4. These are the frequent stumbling blocks to life as they impact various decisions, relationships, and behavior patterns.

Personal development is not a journey you should take alone. You will need a coach to hold your hand. The coach will help you identify your strengths, weaknesses, and fears. A personal development coach can help boost your self-esteem and overhaul other areas of your life. Personal development coaches aim to help clients discover their own motives and goals and help in finding the best path to achieve them. It’s a partnership as the relationship helps both the client and the coach. We are all teachers and we are all students.

Truth is, we learn by association and not in isolation. Everything you know was learned: habits, customs, and skills. You learn as a child from the institution of the home, then you learn from the institution of the school, religious organization, and your workplace. You become a product of your environment and the people who taught you. Throughout our lives, we are being coached by parents, teachers, religious leaders, and authority figures, whether we would like to accept this or not. Question is, who is coaching you? Is that person’s coaching serving you and helping you discover your self-identity?

Napoleon Hill, the best-selling author of ‘Think and Grow Rich’ wrote: “The number one reason people fail is that they listen to their friends, family, and neighbors”. In addition, a lot of people won’t become who they want to be in life because they are too attached to their past. At some point in time, one must consciously choose the course of his life and the coaching required to get there. People spend so much money on their outward appearance but fail to make an investment in the things that can aid in their personal development such as books and motivational courses. Paying a coach to mentor you is an investment in you.

Chapter 3. THE COMPLETE HUMAN BEING: MIND, BODY, SOUL, AND EMOTIONS

According to psychologists, humans are made up of four elements; the mind, body, soul, and emotions. These elements or instruments as they are sometimes referred must first be understood and then continuously managed in order to bring the whole machinery into balance and harmony. The quality of your life is determined by how well you manage these four instruments. If only one or two of them are working, you will not function at full capacity. Even if three of them are functioning, you are still falling short of your fullest, most complete self. Your best overall “self” is fulfilled when each and every one of those four elements is fed, exercised, aligned, and put to its best use. The one who refuses to learn and manage these four instruments will feel like everything in life is happening accidentally and that they are a victim to these accidental circumstances.

Mind
The body is always present—it can’t be anywhere else—but the mind wanders off, seldom living in the present moment. This occurs when thinking takes over the mind, quite often as a result of pain and suffering. People find themselves living either in the past or future; memory or imagination, which can and has been helpful and positive but it’s the negative programs that control most people. Therefore, it’s important to carefully understand how this powerful instrument of the human body functions and the necessity in paying closer attention to it.

One of the main tasks of the mind is to fight emotional pain, which is one of the reasons for its incessant activity. The brain acts as a filter and should be used to consciously keep positive and discard that which is negative, but the mind has so much to handle on a daily basis with non-stop information that it’s becoming more and more difficult to manage. Many people seem to be losing their ability to think clearly or rationally. Stress is a common word because it appears that we can no longer handle our daily demands and responsibilities. Everybody is living in their own world created by thoughts of the mind. Left unchecked, the body machinery will not align and come into harmony.

If you think about it carefully, it’s the negative things we try to eliminate or avoid. A child focuses on the things that cause them pain whether it’s an abusive environment or scarcity. They believe and may even dream of becoming an adult so they can fix the things that make them unhappy. An adult may look at all their responsibilities and commitments and feel overwhelmed leading them to reflect on their childhood when life was carefree, joyful, and easy. They may even wish they were children again.

There are tools such as meditation, exercise, controlled breathing, and yoga that can help to bring the mind to rest and we should practice using these tools in order to release our cognitive load. By so doing, we allow the divine to guide our lives and lead us to our true identity.

Body
We know we need to be physically fit for our self to be capable of operating at peak performance. Being physically active keeps our muscles toned and ready to go when our bodies are asked to perform. Keeping one’s body machine in perfect order involves eating the right foods, sleeping properly, and engaging in daily physical activities. Therefore, you’ll have to work hard in order to maintain a healthy body through exercise, proper nourishment, and avoiding unhealthy habits such as smoking and consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. Having said all that, awareness and spiritual identity is understanding that full satisfaction, peace, and lasting happiness cannot be derived by identifying with the body as the true self. Pleasures and satisfaction arising from the senses of the body are temporary and do not give lasting satisfaction.

Soul
The soul or ‘Atman’ as it is referred to in Hinduism means the true sand it is considered eternal. Hindus believe that a person is not the body, the mind, nor the ego but ‘Atman’, the spiritual essence in all creatures. The soul that identifies with the body as the true self cannot govern. If one always allows the soul to be a companion and servant of the body and is in love with and fascinated by the body and the desires and pleasures found within, fulfillment will not find that person. The key to developing our complete self is the spiritual element. Knowing what is important in this life is vital to our place in the world and it’s important we tap into a higher source of energy because we live in a world so vast, it is beyond our ability to fully understand.

Emotion
Most people live their lives based on what they feel, allowing the element of emotion to govern their lives. The term ‘emotion’ is derived from the Latin term ‘emovere’, which means to stir, to agitate, and to move. Emotion is often defined as a complex state of feeling that results in physical and psychological changes that influence thought and behavior. Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body’s reaction to your mind and since the mind is filled with so much information, people are finding it more difficult to separate facts from what they feel.
We feel many different emotions every day, like love, fear, joy, and sadness, which all have a spiritual connection. Zig Ziglar said, “No matter the situation, never let your emotions overpower your intelligence”. It’s hard-working with people who lack emotional intelligence because if you criticize their work, they often feel that it’s an attack on them. Quite often in my capacity as Supervisor, I’ve encountered this problem where I find myself having to babysit the emotions of those I supervise. Therefore, I often remind them it’s not personal and failure to get the job done also reflects negatively on me. I’ve also had to keep my emotions in check when a manager or even a coworker identified flaws in my work or my character.

The body, mind, and emotions are elements to be used. The soul or spiritual self is meant to govern. The way we live our lives is that the first three govern, and the spiritual self is often neglected or forgotten.

Chapter 4. UNDERSTANDING THE FOUR DIMENSIONS OF SELF

The Johari Model, devised by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955, is a personal development tool that explains how we live our lives, why we do what we do and how we can improve our present situation. It’s a simple and useful tool in understanding the relationship with yourself and others and can lead you to discover your self-identity.

• The Open Self: Information about yourself that you and others know.
• The Blind Self: Information about yourself that you don’t know but others know.
• The Hidden Self: Information about yourself that you know but others don’t know.
• The Unknown Self: Information about yourself that neither you nor others know.

1. The Open/Public Self is known to you and others. This is the part of ourselves that we are happy to share with others and discuss openly. These might include personal characteristics and traits that you openly accept and that your friends (circle) know. However, the public self is often masked by the ego and we portray an image of ourselves we think the world wants to see and accept. It’s like the actors in a play who must dress backstage before stepping out in front of an audience. When the play is over one must return backstage to remove the costume and makeup. However, many fail to accept when the play is over because the audience identifies with and loves the avatar we create on stage.

Jim Carrey the famous comedian and actor said; “People walk around asking why am I so depressed. It’s because you’re trying to be something for the world but, at some point in your life you’re going to have to let that creation go and take a chance on being loved or hated or you’re going to have to kill who you really are and fall into your grave grasping onto a character that you never were”. Nonetheless, the aim should always be to develop and expand this area because it helps to build healthier relationships.

2. The Blind Self. This side is known to others but not known to us. No one wants to hear or even accept that they are arrogant, boastful, envious, greedy, egotistical, or hateful, but others may see these characteristics in us. In order to increase self-awareness, one should seek feedback from those in their inner circle to speak the necessary truths. This will reduce or eliminate ignorance about oneself and it must always be at the individual’s own discretion. Those sharing the feedback must show care to avoid causing emotional pain.

A great example of how the blind side can affect an individual and destroy relationships is portrayed in the Comedy; “Along Came Polly” starring Ben Stiller (Reuben Feffer) and Jennifer Aniston (Polly Prince). Ben Stiller’s best friend in the movie; Sandy Lyle, considered himself a professional actor because he acted in one movie. He saw the other actors in the play entitled ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ as amateurs and treated them as such.

Just before the start of the play he announces to the audience that he was going to play two roles; the role of Jesus Christ and the role of Judas. Of course, it was very comical as an argument ensued and the whole play crashed. He was blinded by his ego and couldn’t see the irony of his intentions. Sandy eventually sees what was blinding him as Ben Stiller’s dad points out that he needed to let go of the past.

The views that others have of us may be different from those we have of ourselves. These might include habits, ways of speaking or acting that others are aware of, such as anger, anxiety, and nervousness but which we fail to see in ourselves. It can also include emotions of which we are not necessarily aware. Our blind selves may remain blind because others will not discuss this part of us for a range of reasons. Perhaps they realize that we would be unable to accept what they see. Perhaps they have tried to discuss this, and we have been so blind that we assume their views are invalid. They may also withhold this information as it gives them power over us.

3. The Hidden/Private Self. Known to self but not known to others. These are often parts of ourselves that are too private to share with others. Private information and feelings may be embarrassing or shameful. Abuse, depression, or addiction are not areas of our lives we feel proud of. While it may be natural to keep these personal and private feelings hidden, one must understand that it’s not healthy neither for the individual nor their relationships. We go to lengths to hide these ugly or shameful areas because we are afraid of what the world thinks. We fear that if we are open with these areas we would be judged, criticized, ridiculed and others won’t accept us. Very often we are judged and that’s why we need to be mindful of who we associate and share these very private details with. Until we come to accept all that we are, including the bad and ugly areas of our lives we’ll keep hiding and masking who we truly are. The ego feeds on this fear and we often hear the voice in our heads saying you’re not good enough. To make ourselves feel better and to compensate for the broken, embarrassing and shameful areas in our lives we feel the need to keep doing more to add value to ourselves.

It’s important that an individual strive to move hidden information and feelings into the open area so they can be greater understanding and harmony. Again, the issues which are disclosed and to whom must always be at the individual’s own discretion.

4. The Unknown/Undiscovered Self. This side is not known to you and others. The unknown self would typically be expected in young people who lack experience or self-belief. Childhood traumas can significantly contribute to a largely unknown area in children because it promotes fear and repress feelings. Memories and programs stored in our subconscious minds based on traumatic past experiences can remain unknown for a lifetime.

These characteristics tend to appear only in certain circumstances and are not known to us or to others before the circumstances trigger them. For example, when there’s nowhere to turn and the person is forced to look inwards to draw on a strength not known to them, upon experiencing personal loss, abandonment or abuse. This is why it is said that “rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will”. By looking inwards we get to see that what we’ve been looking for has always been inside and we couldn’t see it because we were distracted by our own experiences. The process of self-actualization described in Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ can help an individual discover, understand, and appreciate information and feelings about the unknown self.

• Update #3 - Update title May 27, 2021

  Hi all,

  I just clicked the launched button. So excited! The manuscript is in the hands of the editor/publisher and should be completed before the …

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• Update #2 - "Respecting the Process" May 20, 2021

  Hello everyone,

  I thank everyone for your unwavering support and patience, which makes me more determined to give you nothing but my best. 

  Along the journey …

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• Update #1 - Personal Leadership. April 21, 2021

  UPDATE: UPDATE: UPDATE:

  I'd like to take this opportunity to say a heartfelt, 'Thank you' to all who supported my recent book campaign. I love and …

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