Synopsis

In our current culture, there is a deep discomfort with death and dying that people don’t want to talk about our own mortality, and yet – grief seems to be in the zeitgeist.  Sheryl Sandberg’s, Option B, and many other books on grief and loss have been on the bestseller list.  Joyce Maynard recently released a book about the loss of her husband.  Comedian Patton Oswalt’s very publicgrief over the death of his wife captured people’s attention.  The New York Times Book Review did a roundup of books on how to grieve and how to die (June 18, 2017).  

Why are these books so popular?  Our culture doesn’t really give people a way to express or acknowledge their grief.  These books are also popular because Baby Boomers are experiencing the loss of parents, friends, spouses, siblings and children.  People who experience the death of a loved one crave emotional support and ways to work through their grief and loss. That’s what The Grief Train does. It provides a gentle, spiritual, non-religious approach to grief that is different from any other book out there. 

The book shares the story of my husband’s sudden death and my five-year journey through grief to a place of healing.  The book offers spiritual and emotional support for those who find themselves grieving a loved one, especially people who don’t have a traditional or formal way to address their grief.  The healing process in The Grief Train is based on universal spiritual principles.  It reassures readers that there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to experience grief.  You never knows when The Grief Train will stop at your station, however you can be ready and accepting when it arrives. 

The inspiration to write The Grief Train came from the blog I started after my husband’s death. I continued blogging for 5 years. After the first year, I started sharing my blog with others who had experienced a loss and they found it so helpful and hopeful. The book includes blog entries, my personal history, how to create altars, recipes and the insights I gained by researching the grieving process. 

Outline

The Grief Train: A Healing Journey of Love, Loss to Renewal

Part One – The Grief Train Arrives

I had been single for many years when I found the love of my life. We had been married for five years.  On an ordinary day in October, I received a call that he had died suddenly of a heart attack.  In a state of shock, I still had to handle a very demanding business and produce three large events after many months of planning, and then create two separate memorials for my husband, Mike. 

I made an altar with photos of Mike, candles and flowers as a way to focus my grief and sadness.

I cleared Mike’s clothes from our closet, bagged them up and donated most of them to a local organization.  This was not an easy process, it was emotional and I cried while I sorted.  I shared his collection of Hawaiian shirts with friends.  All the men were thrilled to have a piece of Mike as a way to remember him.  I kept a few items I couldn’t part with.  

Part Two – At the Station

I never had the time to grieve, so I started a blog to reflect on my loss. This section tells many stories about the grieving process and how I dealt with the loss through my blog posts. Grief is not a linear process.  I also read many books. I studied the definitions of grief and sadness.  Mostly grief. 

I had my closet re-designed with shelves and rods, which meant I had to empty everything in the closet including all the rest of my husband’s belongings. It was physical work, but also inner work.  In the process of mourning and letting go of his physical items, I was changing on the inside while changing the outside.  

I cooked and remembered all the times my chef husband and I cooked together. I remembered a wonderful dinner we had with friends and wrote out the menu and recipes.  Cooking has always been a meditation to me. Cooking Mike’s recipes was a way to recall the connection we had together.  Seven months after Mike’s death, I gathered with friends on a favorite beach in Hawaii and scattered Mike’s ashes in the water.

Part Three – Departing and Arriving

After the first year, many people think it is easier.  In some ways, I found it gets harder before its gets easier. No longer could I say, “last year we were doing this” after the first anniversary of his death.  In some ways the 2ndyear is more final – when society is saying you should be over it.  There are still many anniversaries to go through.  It can be painful.  I used rituals and ceremonies to honor the anniversary and Mike’s memories.  Included is a recipe of altars – how to create a sacred space, how to think about them and how they can evolve over time.

I went on a trip to Bali with friends and discovered I was still in mourning and had been enveloped in a fog – a cushion of fog, a healing fog cushioning the shock  - that would eventually dissolve . . . over time.

Part Four – Return Journey

After Four Years Five Months, it appeared that I had made a shift.  I had gained a new sense of myself, and a perspective on my mourning and grief.  Everyone has his or her own time frame. It could be 3 years, 5 years or more.  It was time to discard my widow’s weeds.  I didn’t really know what widow’s weeds were but that started me on a journey of exploration of learning about the etiquette of mourning in the 1800’s.  

Harvesting celery, parsley and arugula from my garden, became celery soup, parsley and arugula pesto.  Make something with what you got.  That’s a rule for life, too.  Widow was something I got.  Written that way it sounds like a disease.  It is a dis-ease. Not ease. Not easy. I didn’t plan it but it showed up. The harvest seemed to be reflecting and writing about my experience, process and feelings of being a widow.

Part Five – On Track

I’m off to New York to do more research on mourning at the Costume Institute at the Metropolitan Museum with an exhibit, “Death Becomes Her, A Century of Mourning Attire 1815 to 1915.”

I came full circle to my first blog post, looking at why we send flowers.  There were many articles about grief in the New York Times that caught my attention and emotions and I had to write blogs about. Is it grief or loss?  It’s that finality of losing someone we love that is hardest to adjust to. 

I discovered that bereavement and mourning is a station that we can dwell in and not even notice we are still there.  We never know when the Grief Train will stop at our station. We need to be willing to greet that train, to honor and acknowledge it, and sit with it when it arrives.  And be reminded that it is always LOVE that remains

Audience

There is a big gaping hole in our society where we don’t talk about death, dying, grieving and loss.  The reality of death and dying is hitting the baby boomer generation. From being the sandwich generation, taking care of children and their parents, they are now experiencing their parents dying while they are in middle and later middle age. And, there are the deaths of spouses, friends, brothers, sisters and children.

Many people today do not have a traditional or formal way to address grief.   One-fifth of Americans are religiously unaffiliated — higher than at any time in recent U.S. history — and those younger than 30 especially, seem to be drifting from organized religion. A third of young Americans say they don't belong to any religion.

People who are bereft that have not thought of god or spirituality and who do not have a traditional religion to fall back on, do want a ritualized way of experiencing grief. The Grief Train shows them a path with an alternative, gentle approach to spirituality.  One could say it is a more universal approach.  People that do not want formal Christianity will find this book appealing.  Those that practice Buddhism or are part of New Thought communities (Unity, Centers for Spiritual Living, Divine Science) will also be attracted to this book.

People are exploring, wanting to understand and address the issues of death. And, at the same time, there seem to be more books on this topic coming out each year - which indicates that people do want to address this topic. We are only beginning to touch on this subject and it’s going to continue to grow.

There are many books about grieving that are best sellers or have been published many years ago and are still in print.  However, none of them address what The Grief Train does  - sharing an emotional and spiritual journey. There is a deep spiritual connection expressed all the way through the book that gives others permission to take their own individual path of mourning.   

Promotion

I have been active in networking associations, neighborhood organizations and church groups for 20-plus years, as well as developing innumerable business relationships over 30 years.  My book campaign will be promoted widely thorough all these connections and circles of influence, and will also include my Facebook and LInkedin networks.

I have experience speaking in front of groups such as Rotary, BNI and other organizations over many years, and with clients and boards of directors.  I have been in leadership positions with Business Networking International, as well as church board president and managing local school community fundraising events.

Competition

Like Books:

Here are books – recent best sellers and continuing sellers over many years – that are examples of the world’s hunger for the topic of grief and loss.

1)    The Best of Us: A Memoir

By Joyce Maynard

Published 2017

Bloomsbury 

437 pages

List Price: $27.00

Sharing a love story that showed Joyce true partnership and the journey with her husband’s cancer that sadly shortened their marriage . The Best of Usis a heart-wrenching, ultimately life-affirming reflection on coming to understand true love through the experience of great loss.

The Grief Train tells a similar story of a romance and marriage cut short  - with the sudden death of my husband by a massive heart attack.  Diving into the grief and mourning process provided a journey of 5 years I didn’t know I had started with my widows healing blog.

2)    Good Grief, Heal Your Soul, Honor Your Loved Ones, and Learn to Live Again

By Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium

Published by Atria Books, March 2017

224 pages HC

This is a book by a medium sharing her knowledge of working with many clients and their loss while connecting to their loved ones that have passed on.  The theme of Spirit’s messages is, “you will grieve your loss for the rest of your life, but healing is something different.”  All expressions of grief are ok.  Theresa shares that Spirit’s grief process includes a path to healing, step by step. She includes an exercise at the end of each chapter.

Those that are interested in Theresa’s book would be interested in The Grief Train, which has a similar spiritual presentation.  I accept that there is the ability to connect with our loved ones after their death.  I had several readings with a medium after my husband died – a month after and at the first and second anniversaries of his death.  It was helpful to connect with him during my grieving process.  I do not include steps of grieving but rather invite the reader to acknowledge that whatever path they are on is fine.  My path is just an example.

3)    The Light of the World, A Memoir

By Elizabeth Alexander

HC April 2015, PB September 2016

Grand Central Publishing

LIST PRICE: $26 HC

224 pages

New York Times Bestseller, First Lady Michelle Obama's Favorite Book of 2015

This is a memoir for anyone who has loved and lost, from acclaimed poet and Pulitzer Prize finalist Elizabeth Alexander. Alexander tells a love story.  She reflects on the beauty of her married life with her husband and two sons and explains the shock and trauma resulting from her husband's death. 

In The Grief Train, the story is about what happened when my husband died and primarily about what happened after his death. It includes the ceremonies and memorials and the process of grieving over 5 years time.

4)    Option B, Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy

 by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant 

Published by Knopf April 24, 2017

LIST PRICE: $25.95 HC

226 pages

New York Times bestseller

This self-help book tells the story of Sheryl Sandberg’s sudden loss of her husband and how she had to figure out what life looks like when “option A” is no longer available.  Besides telling her story, she and her co-author provide examples of practical steps one can take and stories of other types of losses.  She shares her vulnerability through the story of her first year after the sudden death of her husband. 

The Grief Train tells the story of the sudden death of my husband, similar to Cheryl’s, but it is not a self-help or how-to book.  Rather, it’s more like a friend telling you her personal story and a reflection of the feelings that arose during the more complete grieving process over 5 year’s time with a spiritual non-denominational focus.  It gives people permission to not have a prescribed response or program to follow, and encourages them to allow their experience to be what it is.  

5)     A Widow's Guide to Healing: Gentle Support and Advice for the First 5 Years

By Kristin Meekhof and James Windell

Published Sourcebooks (November 3, 2015)

List Price: PB $14.99

256 pages PB

When Kristin Meekhof lost her husband to cancer, she discovered what all widows learn: the moment you lose your partner, you must make crucial decisions that will impact the rest of your life. But where do you begin? This inspiring book shows grieving widows what to expect and how to deal with the challenges of losing a life partner. Kristin writes a column for Huffington Post.  With this book she addressed both the practical challenges and provides comfort and advice from other widows going through the first 5 years of widowhood.

The Grief Train addresses what society doesn’t address – the spiritual and emotional aspects of grieving, explained in a gentle way.  Through my example, I give others permission to experience their feelings and their singular process.