2-Minute Tips for Solving Common Parenting Challenges
Parents are desperate for practical, developmentally sound advice. This parenting advice book builds on over 30 years of experience counseling parents of young children. A lively Q & A format.
Ended
A Parenting Guide building on over 30 years of experience counseling parents of young children, with endorsements by expert child therapists and child development specialists.
Practical, psychologically-sound, step-by-step parenting tips from birth to ten. Q & A format answers parents’ FAQ’s in a lively and brief format.
The book is organized chronologically - from infancy through school age and thematically, addressing sleep & nursing, behavior issue (temperament, play, social development and limit setting), learning about the big world (difficult issues like death and illness, and social ills) and family dynamics (including holiday celebrations, relationship with the extended family, etc.).
The author's style is very personal: the reader feels like s/he is sitting with Rachel over a cup of coffee as she offers parenting tips that are straightforward, easy to put into action, and will have fairly quick results. Most importantly, parents reading the book feel supported: they are already doing a good job - certainly the best they can - they just need a little help to get out of their immediate conundrum.
Rachel is a clinical social worker with over 30 years of experience counseling parents.
Why would someone buy this:
Introduction
A. Why is parenting so hard?
B. How this book can help
Part I: Infants and Toddlers
C. Sleep & Nursing
D. Behavior, Play, Social Development and Limits
Part II: Preschoolers
A. Sleep & Waking
B. Behavior, Temperament, Tantrums & Limit Setting
C. Play, Developmental Milestones & Learning about the World
D. Family Issues and Difficult Times
E. The Bigger World: Hard Questions
Part III: School-Age Kids
A. Sleep (Still…)
B. Behavior, Temperament, Limit Setting
C. Family Issue & The Big, Wide World
Part IV: Holidays & Family Celebrations
Part V: Let’s Make a Book About It
A. Why Make a Book about It?
B. Sample Book 1: "My Pet Died" (Talking about Death)
C. Sample Book 2: "We Are Moving"
The book’s primary audience are parents, especially new ones, a vast and ever-renewed audience of new parents who are eager - sometimes even desperate - for sensible, psychologically-sound, and practical tips on handling the myriad issues they face raising children.
Secondary audience are grandparents, family members, nannies and babysitters, who will find the book extremely helpful in navigating their role in supporting the parents. Also, pediatricians, family physicians and postpartum doulas will use the book as a “go-to” resource for helpful tips to provide their patients, as they rarely have the time to provide parenting guidance themselves.
New parents naturally see themselves as unique and are often reluctant to rely on their own parents’ advice. Instead they turn to the internet, where they’re deluged with information, much of it peculiar or fed by the newest parenting fad (often extreme). They end up baffled and often find advice that supports whatever they are already doing, even though it’s not working to resolve the challenge.
Most parents have very little spare time, so they need quick, “byte-size” information. Parenting books are extremely valuable as a steady source of support, especially if they address very specific situations, answering the ever-recurring question ”What do I do now?” with concrete, step-by-step instructions.
What PARENTS say:
It was a turbulent, sleep deprived, bleary eyed time when we called on Rachel... Rachel walked us through gentle, bite-size steps, adjusting the plan as necessary, and offering extra support and advice as needed... which resulted not only in more sleep, but in a more comfortable, enjoyable bedtime routine. (R. in Berkeley)
I am grateful for Rachel Biale's knowledge, expertise, and wisdom as a parenting counselor. She helped me and my co-parents (a gay couple) adopt better sleep habits for our daughter when we encountered difficulties, and to this day, we still practice what she preached: boundaries, structure, routines, and clarity! That early intervention profoundly changed our family's parenting strategies for the better. Rachel is compassionate, skillful, and a great listener. (C. in Denver)
Rachel's advice, based on years of experience, was always on target, and led to prompt resolution of the issues at hand. Issues addressed included: sleep, toilet training, letting go of the bottle and dealing with frustration. (P. in Berkeley)
More at: http://www.parentingcounseling.co/testimonials/
What PROFESSIONALS say:
I have been very familiar with Rachel Biale's highly effective work with children and families for many years. She is warm, engaging, and has a depth of experience, wisdom and common sense. Rachel has a way of listening closely, integrating details, and then providing thoughtful solutions that can be reasonably implemented into practice with beneficial outcomes. (Dr. Alan Shonkoff, Associate Clinical Professor, Psychology Dept., UC Berkeley, Board Certified in Clinical Neuropsychology, American Academy of Clinical Neuropsychology)
I learned a lot about working with parents from seeing Rachel Biale at work! She offers wisdom, clarity and practical suggestions. (Jill Shugart, MFT, Past Director of Beth El Nursery School, Berkeley, CA)
Over the years I have referred parents to Rachel Biale with very positive responses. She has been particularly helpful to new parents who are trying to get their young children to sleep through the night. She is thoughtful, practical and caring. (Dr. Bruce Linton, Psychologist, Founder of "Fathers' Forum," author of Fatherhood: The Journey from Man to Dad).
Most parenting books focus on a limited age-range, such as infancy, the early years (0-5) or school-age, or specific topics (e.g. sleep, limit setting, temperament). Rachel’s book covers a much larger range of topics and longer span of years. It is the kind of book that parents will keep on hand for the first 10 years of their children’s life and return to, time and again, as specific issues arise.
1. Sensible, middle-of-the-road approaches, offering very concrete step-by-step instructions on how to respond to specific challenges (and both on the market for over 2 decades!) are still in high demand.
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlich, published by Charles Scribner's Sons; February 7, 2012
This practical book has withstood the test of time but focuses only on the one, albeit a core one, issue of communication. Rachel’s book weaves guidance on how to talk to children and encourage them to speak their mind and listen well, into almost every topic it addresses. It includes examples of questions and explanations on a wide range of issues, especially difficult ones.
- No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury, published via CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; September 18, 2014
This popular and useful book guides parents in addressing common toddler behaviors employing respectful parenting practices. However, it applies to a limited age range: roughly 2-4, and focuses on limit setting, whereas Rachel's book addresses a much greater variety of topics and an age span of ten years.
2. Implementing the findings of brain development research.
- Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges by Dr. Mona Delahooke, published by PESI Publishing and Media, 1st Edition (Paperback & Kindle); March 18, 2019.
The book offers valuable insights for parents who wish to understand child development more deeply, based on neuroscience, but not enough hands-on advice on what to do in everyday situations. Rachel’s book does not present this in-depth understanding of brain development research but its practical tips are in full alignment with this deeper understanding. Rachel's book is more useful as a practical guide to what a parent should actually do in response to a variety of challenges faced day in and day out. The above books would be good companions to it.
3. Raising thoughtful, considerate kids who care about making the world a better place, especially addressing with parents concerned about the entitlement and the challenges humanity faces.
- Raising World Changers in a Changing World by Kristen Welch, published by Baker Publishing Co.; Apr 30, 2018
This book addresses an important issue parents are facing and is steeped in Christian faith, which may alienate non-Christian and non-religious readers. Rachel's book offers advice on raising thoughtful and caring kids without reliance on religious faith. It is structured around the cycle of the year and holidays (with an emphasis on Jewish holidays), making it a good companion for the rhythms of family life.
4. Talking to children about difficult subjects: This is a perennial challenge for parents as they face difficult subjects like death, serious illness, crime (esp. School shootings), homelessness, etc.
- Someone I Love Died by Christine Harder Tangvald, published by David C Cook; Reprint edition March 1, 2018 (Ages 4-8)
This book address death, and is for parents to read to their children. Rachel's book guides parents in very practical terms how to talk to kids about a variety difficult, painful issues with age-appropriate pointers. It also includes 2 full examples of how to “make a book about it” - in a more open-ended way than the books above, allowing children to express their feelings, ideas and questions without being told what they should be. This is an invaluable tool for parents in helping kids cope emotionally difficult situations. The sample books provided are of common events: moving to a new home and the death of a pet, but they provide a blueprint for many other situations.
Rachel Biale is a clinical social worker. She has worked as a therapist specializing in families and young children and has had a parenting counseling practice for over 30 years
250 copies • Completed manuscript.
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The 5 AM Wake-up
Our 7 months old baby has been a great sleeper (even gave up the middle of the night waking recently) but when Day Light Savings Time ended she started waking up at 5am. We thought we’d wait it out – let her adjust to the new time and she’d go back to 6 am (MUCH more reasonable…), but no such luck. We tried keeping her up later at night but, other than a miserable time from 8 to 9, we have seen no results. How can we explain to her that we are not farmers? Can we retrain her to wake up at a more suitable hours for modern urban living? I have never been SO TIRED in my life (even when up 3 times a night to nurse).
This is a common problem with infants; perhaps it’s the hunter-gatherer genetic code. Sometimes it’s triggered by a time change (or jet lag), but often it just appears as a baby transitions from nights punctuated by several wakings to feed to sleeping through the night. Delaying bedtime may help but it takes 5-7 days before it ‘takes’ and, as in your case, often increases misery at night for no rearwards in the morning.
Here is how you train your daughter to sleep in (before she is a teenager, when it will no not problem at all!).
1. Record when she awakes for 5 days in a row. Pick the earliest time as your starting point. If she wakes at 5:15, 5:00, 5:05, 5:20 and 5:10, then 5:00am is it (sorry…).
2. Put a clock radio (or other music playing device on a timer) in her room, set to play music at 5am. Within a minute after the music comes on, go into her room, pick her up and proceed as if this is a perfectly reasonable time to start the day. Turn on lights, feed and change her, play with her in your usual daytime room. She’ll probably want a morning nap earlier than usual – don’t worry about that.
3. Repeat the clock radio routine for 4-5 days. You are working to create a conditioned response, whereby, as soon as the music comes on, she wakes up and expects you.
After about 5 days she will be trained to wake up to the music.
4. Now comes the crucial, a bit sneaky but very effective, part: start moving the clock/timer forward by 5-minute increments each morning (5:05, 5:10, 5:15). Remember - once the music is on, come right in and pick her up. Over the course of 10-12 days you should be able to move her waking to 6am, or very close to it.
There is a limit to this method – most parents I have worked with were able to move their baby’s wake up time by 45-60 minutes. Don’t try to stretch your daughter to 8 am, as lovely as that sounds.
Finally, I wonder if part of your intense fatigue is YOUR reaction to the change from Daylight Savings Time. A lot more people than realize it suffer from varying degree of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – low energy, abnormal fatigue, feeling down to full blown depression - when the amount of daily sunlight suddenly drops by an hour. It often gets worse as the days gets shorter but lifts in early spring.
The traditional Jewish remedy is the 8 candle-lit nights of Hanukah (maybe all the fried food helps too), but it turns out you need a lot more “candles units” than that (to be precise: 10,000 lux) to treat SAD effectively. There are many high intensity lamps available on the market (search for SAD lamp). Get a simple one for your dining table and sit close to it when you have your breakfast. People vary a lot in how much light they need. I discovered about 20 years ago that I need 20 minutes in the morning so I don’t feel like I am ready for bed at 7:15pm (this is once my kids were grown). Experiment to see how much you need. You should feel the difference very quickly; in 1-3 days.
Between clock radio and a SAD lamp, I hope you soon see your way to more sleep and more pep.
* * *
Nightmares and Scary TV Programs
Our 6.5 year old son just started having significant anxiety at bedtime, requiring me or my husband to stay with him until he falls asleep (not easy since we also have to put our 3-year to bed at the same time….). It used to be that when he was anxious about the dark at bedtime, our cat would sleep in his room and that would soothe him. But now he says the cat no longer works. When we sit with him he falls asleep fairly quickly, so it hasn't been an impossible ordeal. But for 2 nights in a row now, he’s been waking up in the middle of the night and DEMANDING, almost hysterically, that we sleep in his room all night. He says he's afraid that worms will come out of his nose: something he saw on “Clone Wars,” his favorite TV show.
1) For now, how do we deal with this bedtime and middle-of-the-night?
2) For longer-term, what should be our TV policy? “Clone Wars” is his favorite show, and there might be WW3 if we take it away. Maybe we should anyway. But more importantly, should we be dramatically changing our threshold for what constitutes suitable screen time?
Scary TV programs… boys (and some girls, too) love them and get freaked out by them. What are parent to do? Here are the steps you need to take:
At Night:
Your son needs you when he is this frightened. I recommend that you sleep in his room for a few nights to relieve his fear. It should take 4-5 nights to get him back to sleeping through. Knowing that you’ll be in his room all night will also help him fall sleep more easily at bedtime. Right now he is afraid to let himself fall asleep, worrying he’ll have nightmares about the worms and other scary things that tag along with them.
After the night waking stops, praise him for his victory. Make a “Certificate of Accomplishment for Winning the War Against the Scary Worms from TV” (buy a gold lettered one in a stationary store, or download from the internet). Assure him that you’ll come to him if he needs you in the middle of the night. Leave your mattress and folded blanket in his room for a while – a visual reminder that you’ll be there when he’s scared.
Daytime:
It’s important to help your son get the frightening images “out of his system” first. Even though he may be reluctant because “it's too scary,” get him to draw the worms. Then suggest he cross them out with a thick black marker or tear up the picture. Let him make playdough worms, then bash them with his fist or stomp on them.
Ask your pediatrician to call him or send him a letter on office stationary saying there is no such thing as worms coming out of kids’ noses.
Now let's go back to how it started: Scary TV shows aimed at young boys.
Oy! There are so many programs for young kids that are way too scary! It’s also common that a child happily watches a program for months and, suddenly, a scene terrifies him, because, as he matures, he becomes more aware of things that are truly frightening in the real world. Thus, scary TV scenes trigger fears, sometime as if out of the blue. Remember that the things he is afraid of (worms in his nose, ghosts, etc.) are not real, but the fear itself certainly is!
I am not well versed in the Clones and their wars, but clearly, your son is showing you how much they scare him. Is he going to renounce watching the program? Probably not. Should you banish it from the house? Probably yes… at least for a while. However, given the “threat of WW3,” I understand your reluctance. If you are not going to ban the show, you should watch it with him. Better yet, record and preview it. Let him know in advance if there will be a scary scene and be ready with the remote, to fast forward past it.
However, playing out scenes and characters from the program with toy figures and dress-up is very valuable. It’ll help your son conquer the scary images and develop his imagination and ability to channel his own aggression into pretend play, thus building his emotional vocabulary.
Now get some sleep!
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Let's do this together! Send me YOUR #1 parenting tip (the best you can give or have received) and I'll include it in my book, in a …
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