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Aleah Ava

Aleah Ava

Aleah Ava is a Love and Relationship Coach helping couples and individuals navigate through the inevitable personal challenges and upheaval love and relationships bring to the surface.

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Success! Are You Sure It's Love? sold 503 pre-orders by Dec. 15, 2018, was pitched to 94 publishers, and is in discussions with publishers.

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$14 I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS (eBook)

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$21 READY FOR LOVE (Limited Edition Hard Cover)

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- The audiobook version, narrated by the Author
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- The audiobook version, narrated by the Author
- Exclusive access to updates via email

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- The audiobook version, narrated by Author
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$280 MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE (Personal Coaching)

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- A free invitation to the book launch and private candle light music meditation with the Author's own musical compositions (Piano and Voice)
- An invite to join my community
- The e-book version
- The audiobook version, narrated by Author
- Exclusive access to updates via email
- A Big Thank you mention with your name printed in the acknowledgements section of the book - all copies, forever

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$447 WHOLE LOTTA LOVE (Online Course)

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- A free invitation to the book launch and private candle light music meditation with the Author's own musical compositions (Piano and Voice)
- An invite to join my community
- The e-book version
- The audiobook version, narrated by Author
- Exclusive access to updates via email
- A Big Thank you mention with your name printed in the acknowledgements section of the book - all copies, forever

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- Free invitation to the book launch and private candle light music meditation with the Author's own musical compositions (Piano and Voice)

- An invite to join my community
- The e-book version
- The audiobook version, narrated by Author
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- Free invitation to the book launch and private candle light music meditation with the Author's own musical compositions (Piano and Voice)

- An invite to join my community
- The e-book version
- The audiobook version, narrated by Author
- Exclusive access to updates via email
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This deal includes 200 copies of the autographed limited edition of the book "Are You Sure It's Love?"

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- Free invitation to the book launch and private candle light music meditation with the Author's own musical compositions (Piano and Voice)

- An invite to join my community
- The e-book version
- The audiobook version, narrated by Author
- Exclusive access to updates via email
- A Big Thank you mention with your (company name printed in the acknowledgements section of the book - all copies, forever)

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Are You Sure It's Love?

Moving into REALationships through learning the art of Emotional Recycling

Love can easily be mistaken for a dependency or even an addiction, leading to great upheaval, challenges, conflict and pain. If you want to get good at it, master it!

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Self-Help Love & Relationships
Umbria, Italy
70,000 words
75% complete
8 publishers interested

Synopsis

Love can be the most wonderful, heart-opening and nourishing wonder giving that touch of magic to our experience called life. 

Love, however can also be the most devastating and challenging obstacle breaking your heart into a thousand pieces. 

Almost nothing is as hard as intimately and successfully relating with other people. One of the reasons why it is so hard is that love is often mistaken merely for a dependency or even an addiction. What we have been taught about love to be true has often nothing to do with love.

Healthy, mature compassionate love and relationships ideally are here for one reason only; mutual personal growth and healing. Sooner or later, when intimately relating with someone else, we have no other way but to deal with what it brings up in ourselves. The so called "triggers" - when leveraged - shed immeasurable value and insight into where we have been wounded and the parts that need healing.

When such triggers are activated, it gets difficult to navigate through these upheavals so we might dismiss the other person, believing that they are not the right fit for us. And in many cases that might be true. You do not need to stay with someone that is clearly not doing you any good, let alone is abusive in any form.

However, too often we forget that these triggers and upheavals are our compass to understanding where we need healing. We miss the chance to learn the lessons, thinking that moving on will give us what we are actually looking for. There is no question that some people might be a better fit for us than others. However, if we move on because we don't want to do the work or are simply unable to see that there is a chance for healing, we will inevitably face the same challenges over and over again. This will keep happening until we are ready to look at which parts in ourselves contribute to what is not working in the first place.

This book helps distinguish between "mature, compassionate, adult" love and "neurotic, dependent, addicted" kind of love. It will shed light on the ways we tend to live in denial or in a fantasy that will eventually blow up once we realise that the person we made up in our mind does not have much to do with who that person really is. It teaches the art of Emotional Recycling that will help transform your pain into personal empowerment.

From my own experience, we tend to want a relationship more than we want the right person and we avoid being alone or single. Very often love and relationships are there to "get" rather than to "give". Coming from such a place makes a relationship a rather "self-serving" instead of a "self-giving" device. Love is not so much about "am I really getting what I want?" but more about "am I really giving all that I have" for it to be successful.

Learning Love is like any other discipline. If you want to be good at it, you have to master it.

Why are some of us running after love so desperately where it leads to compromises on levels that will eventually result in unhappiness? Why do we become dependent or addicted to Love in the first place?

The answer to this is universal: It is due to "early absence of love", negligence, abandonment, trauma and other forms of adversity during childhood. Apart from that, we get hijacked by our brain chemicals that make it hard not to get addicted in the first place. However, only because something is addictive does not mean that we actually have to get addicted. Awareness is the key.

If your relationship experiences lack deep emotional and sexual intimacy without much connection, passion and joy. Or you perhaps keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners, then it might be time to look at the WHY's behind. Maybe you are unable to let go of what you actually know does not serve you or you constantly feel disconnected, alone and isolated from the rest of the world. Or you simply have not yet managed to sustain a healthy mature relationship. This book helps breaking denial and supports you in self-empowerment, self-love and self-respect, moving into the world of REALationships.

It is your long awaited love-break through where "aha!" moments will drop like snowflakes from the sky. You will slowly let go of your fears of intimacy and/or being alone as well as reduce emotional pain and suffering. The best part of it all is that you will finally fall in love with someone who will never ever leave you and that "someone" is yourself.

 

Outline

A) Author’s Note (Waiver, Claim)

The Author clarifies that she is in no way proclaiming this work to be any form of therapy or a replacement for professional psychological help. The reader has chosen to participate in this process out of her/his own free will and without coercion. This process can be powerful and might bring issues to the surface that are not yet in the reader's consciousness.

It is, however, intended as a self-help or a co-help tool that helps breaking free from addictive or dependent love and relationship patterns.

B) Acknowledgement (Gratitude)

The Author gives thanks to the people who either helped and supported her in the process of writing this book or have been an inspirational influence in any shape or form.

C) Introduction

The author elaborates on the ways this book will add value and what it is intended for. She also shares her personal reasons for writing this book. She points out that the first theoretical part discusses the topic Love Addiction. However, the reader does not have to see him/herself as a Love Addict to profit from this book. Almost all relationships have destructive, unhealthy addictive patterns. Becoming aware of such patterns will allow the reader to instantly transform the quality of love and relationships.

D) Why I wrote this book – my personal path 

The author shares her own personal path of struggles and adversity in her childhood, her teenage years and adulthood. She sheds light on her own dysfunctional relationship patterns and her journey towards healing.

Chapter 1: Love Addiction?

1.1 What is Love Addiction?

A general overview on the topic to introduce the subject to the reader.


1.2 The vicious Cycle of Love Addiction

The typical cycle love addicts repeatedly find themselves in.


1.3 Characteristic Traits of Love Addiction

Diving into ten typical characteristic traits and signs that indicate an addiction to love. 


1.4 The Different Types of Love Addicts

Introduction of Pia Mellody, pioneer and recognised Love Addiction expert, focusing on the most common dynamic between the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant.

This chapter also lays out 7 other types of Love Addicts as defined by Jim Hall, Love Addiction Specialist. Laying out the differences in each type, demonstrating the many forms of Love Addiction such as: 

1.4.1 The Romantic Love Addict
1.4.2 The Anorexic Love Addict
1.4.3 The Non-Romantic Love Addict
1.4.4 The Abusive Love Addict
1.4.5 The Battered Love Addict
1.4.6 The Sex and Love Addict
1.4.7 The Parental Love Addict


Chapter 2: The two major reasons for Love Addiction

To fully understand WHY we become addicted to love later on in life, we have to understand the reasons behind:

2.1 Reason No One: Our Brain

Based on reliable sources of previous research that has been done on this subject, the book dives into the role of our brain when it comes to addiction. 

On one hand, Helen Fisher's (Globally recognised Biological Anthropologist) ground-breaking study revealing insight into the neural chemistry of romantic love. 

And on the other hand Richard Schwartz's and Jacqueline Olds's (both Harvard Medical School Professors) article on the important role the brain plays in Love Addiction. 

It also explains, from a neurological point of view, why people tend to stay in abusive relationships.  

2.2 Reason No Two: The early absence of Love and Childhood Trauma/Adversity

Reason no two elaborates on the even more important reason for Love Addiction that the Author herself has recognised when going through a "deep feeling" therapy.

It talks about "the early absence of love", negligence, abandonment and other childhood traumas or adversities. 

It also mentions "attachment theory", originally formulated by Bowlby as well as the important work of Dr. Bruce Perry, Child and Adolescence psychiatrist and neuroscientist who says that the brain reflects the world we grew up in.


Chapter 3: The consequences of the early absence of love and childhood trauma, potentially resulting in love addiction

This chapter lays out the 10 major consequences that most Love Addicts have to deal with later on in life as a result from early absence of love.


Chapter 4: Healthy Love

4.1 The difference between Love and Love Addiction

Many people confuse Love with Love Addiction. Often, we think that drama, fantasies, intensity, and everlasting passion is love. That a "soulmate" or "love at first sight" kind of love is the ultimate thing. The chemistry and feelings that come with love and infatuation make us think that we found "the One". This chapter dismantles the illusion and fantasies of what we think is love. It displays the differences between healthy, compassionate, mature, adult kind of love and neurotic, unhealthy, dysfunctional love.

4.2 Next Level Relating: Kings & Queens and Sexual Alchemy

This chapter talks about the elements of the healthy masculine and the qualities of the queen that best resonate with it. It also talks about the purpose of love, sex and relationships and who we have to become to successfully relate with another individual being.


Chapter 5: WHY healing our wounds and overcoming Love Addiction and other unhealthy relationship patterns is of vital importance

The consequences of not addressing what needs healing inside ourselves are devastating, not just for an individual but for this world and our society. The author elaborates on 3 major reasons WHY healing our wounds and therewith overcome unhealthy relationship patterns is vital:

5.1 Reason Nr. 1: To stop people from unconsciously acting out from the wounded/unloved place inside themselves

One of the worst consequences of not dealing with our feelings and our pain is that we often act out destructively on the people around us, instead of feeling what gets triggered in us. In this way we create more separation and disconnection instead of love and connection.


5.2 Reason Nr. 2: Heal yourself, so you can help others heal as well; become an Emotional Recycler

If we want to create more peace and love in our lives and in the world, in general, we have to become what the author calls an “Emotional Recycler.” An Emotional Recycler has the ability to feel, instead of acting out, and recycle someone else’s act-out back into love and compassion. We therewith enable the people around us to heal their own unresolved wounds.


5.3 Reason Nr. 3: Become the captain of your own life, through real empowerment, and ultimately, become the juiciest, sexiest version of yourself

If Love Addiction runs our life, it truly means that we are not. We are chasing after something that always seems out of reach. In this way we miss the chance to create the life we truly envision. Overcoming Love Addiction means to no longer be controlled by it and creating enough space and energy to dedicate to making our lives the best possible version. 

Chapter 6: How to overcome Love Addiction and create fulfilling relationships?

There are three building blocks that help overcome Love Addiction: 


6.1   Key Nr. 1 Creating a high level of awareness

We have to break denial and become brutally aware of the ways we contribute to what is not working for us. Awareness is the first step. By increasing our awareness, we create choices. Choices meaning that we have a feeling that things are no longer "just happening to us" but we rather consciously chose what is supposed to happen. 


6.2 Key Nr. 2. Leveraging the incredible value of triggers resulting from intimate relationships

Triggers are scary, but they are worth a million dollar of therapy. They are the entry point into our feelings. Our feelings are the key to understanding aspects within ourselves that need healing. Leveraging your triggers puts you on the fast-track to transformation.


6.3 Key Nr 3. Feeling the feelings behind our triggers

For many people, feelings are scary as we often mistake feeling for suffering. There are reasons for that. Once we learn how to safely feel and leverage our feelings for healing, we have the best chance of turning our pain into power.

Chapter 7: Recovery, Healing & Transformation – What to expect

7.1 What to expect while in Recovery
7.2 The typical Recovery Cycle
7.3 The pitfalls of Recovery
7.4 Tips for your Protection


Chapter 8: Doing the Work

8.1 Step 1 - basic work "Creating a high level of awareness" 

This chapter includes a free download of module no 1 that helps shed light on the ways we relate. This is where the reader learns about her/himself and understands to what extent they are engaged in unhealthy, dependent or neurotic love.


8.2 Step 2+3 - deeper work "Leveraging Triggers and Working with Feelings" 

Author guides through the deeper work once our awareness has increased. 

This books includes a glossary, bibliography as well as further resources for education, healing and support.

Audience

The books is aimed at readers who need a break-through in the love department. Whether we talk about readers who miss deep emotional and sexual intimacy, who keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners, who are unable to let go of a partner or continuously face a feeling of aloneness, disconnection, isolation, depression, etc. It also aims at people who are already in a relationship but find themselves often in conflict or misunderstandings. 

They are either a) single - but unhappy, b) in a relationship - but unfulfilled or c) divorced. 

No matter their situation, all of them have a deep longing for love and connection. They want to be wanted/needed/desired, reduce emotional pain and suffering and increase their self-esteem. They share similar unhealthy patterns, such as dependency, loss of reason, lack of self-control, and obsessive longings that must be satisfied. They lack the ability to maintain long-term, healthy, compassionate, and intimate relationships. They also all share the same consequences - a life with continuous, painful patterns of self-sabotage, shame, absence of real love and intimacy as well as unfulfilling relationships.

A) Many singles are unhappy because they often depend on someone else filling a void, an emptiness that exists within themselves. They have not learned to self-nurture or self-care to a point where they can be self-sustainable without an outside source of what's missing. There is no question that humans need love and connection. However, to be able to fully receive from someone else, without being needy, we first have to be able to give that to ourselves.

B) The current divorce rate is between 50-60% world-wide; in other words, half of humanity struggles with finding and sustaining lasting love and fulfilling relationships.

One important aspect of it is the lack of understanding what true, compassionate and mature love looks like. It also indicates that people have not really understood the purpose of a committed relationship. A lot of it also comes down to our own demons/shadows that lie dormant in our unconscious but that just beg to be addressed and healed. People absolutely have the ability to work through these issues, they just often don't know how.

https://www.businessinsider.co...

C) If we look at the people who stay in abusive relationships, we know that every minute, “approximately 20 people are the victims of physical abuse by an intimate partner in the United States alone." In average, husbands or boyfriends are responsible for the murders of more than three women each day. Every month, the National Domestic Violence Hotline receives over 27,000 calls for help. And each year, over 10 million Americans are subjected to psychological and physical abuse from people they love and trust the most.”

https://www.mentalhelp.net/aware/physically-and-emotionally-abusive-relationships/

Domestic relationships are a playground for hidden abuse. It's behind closed door that our demons come out to play. People who stay in abusive relationships are often co-dependent or addicted to love. Our brain chemicals can sabotage our efforts to leave an abusive relationship as abuse survivors can be  hijacked by dopamine (referring to “The addiction to bonding with our abusers." by Shahida Arabi, #1 Amazon Bestseller in personality disorders, abuse, and sexual abuse). 

Sometimes exposing oneself to abusive/unrequited love can also be a re-creation of the known, of what is familiar to us as this is what we learned when growing up. We often find ourselves precisely in "unwanted" situations as we haven't healed the parts in ourselves and need a "mirror" to recognise the unhealed aspect.



Author

Aleah Ava is a Love and Relationship Coach, a Recovering Love Addict and a Feeling Advocate, helping individuals and couples navigate through the inevitable challenges love and relationships bring to the surface. 

For the past 10 years, she took a deep dive and committed to finding out, what it was inside of herself that attracted rejection, the wrong partners and ultimately not succeeding in finding true lasting love. 

In a moment of awakening she finally understood what it takes to stop that form of suffering and move into a place of radical self-love and acceptance. In her experience, we can’t find true love unless we realize that the person we actually have to fall in love with first, is our self.

She studied people, love and relationships her entire life. From her own trail of broken relationships and our deepest wounds to the longings of our unmet needs. From our fears of intimacy or inability to let go to our difficulties in finding real lasting love. It has touched her so profoundly that she made it her calling.

Aleah holds a BSc in Communication and has undergone various forms of personal development courses such as intense deep feeling therapy, Meditation, Prayer and Tantra. She also co-facilitated Childhood-Deconditioning Retreats alongside an experienced Psychologist.

She currently lives in Italy, coaching clients all over the world. 

Her (com)passion for human beings and their stories is what drives her work. She believes that being the student and teacher at the same time is not mutually exclusive but essential to keep developing her art of teaching as well as expanding into a better version of herself on a continuous basis.




Promotion

I have two websites: www.addictedtolovepodcast.com and www.aleahava.com. I create weekly episodes on my podcast "Addicted to Love" that is available on all common platforms (iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcast, Tunein) where I also feature Subject Matter Experts such as:

Dr. Margaret Paul: She holds a PhD in psychology and is a relationship expert, a public speaker, a consultant and an artist. Margaret is a bestselling author, a popular Huffington Post writer and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding Self-Healing Process also recommended by Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows, including Oprah and has written nine books. Her most popular books are Do I Have to Give Away Me to be Loved by You?Healing Your Aloneness and Inner Bonding. One of them sold over 1 Mio copies.
Linkedin Followers: 1500
Facebook: 5000

> Margaret agreed to consider reading and maybe endorsing my book once I have a collaboration with a publisher. 

Damona Hoffman: She is a dating coach and TV host from A+E Networks, FYI TV series Black Love and A Question of Love, as well as a lifestyle news contributor for CNN Headline News. She is the host of Dates & Mates with the Damona Hoffman Podcast.

LinkedIn Followers: 6100

Facebook: 2200 liking her page


Jamie Catto: Former and founding member of Faithless. He was one of the two vocalists our director and video director of the band before leaving in 1999 to perform the double Grammy nominated Global Music and Film Collective, 1 Giant Leap. It was nominated for two Grammys in 2003. They sold over 300’000 albums and won numerous awards globally. 
LinkedIn Followers: 2100
Facebook Followers: 6000

> Jamie has agreed to help promoting my book campaign.

Kevin Oroszlan: Evolutionairy Coach, Speaker and Creator of www.divinemasculine.live. He coaches clients in the weaponization and actualization of their intuition. Developing their spiritual abilities and senses through practical personal-development techniques and mindset hacks. People come to him to have radical accountability and wellness applied to their life in the vein of lifestyle science AND mysticism.

Facebook Followers: 9064
Instagram Followers: 4117

> Kevin has agreed to help promoting my book campaign.

On my LinkedIn Profile I have 260 connections and counting daily.

In these contacts I have a couple of very interesting people such as:
Helen Fisher, John Gray, Esther Perel, Susan David, Guy Winch, Bruce Perry and Ken Page who all have a great following. I will personally address each and every LinkedIn contact to get their support in spreading the book.

Personal Email List: 300 

Other Social Media Platforms:

Facebook Aleah Ava: 1325 Friends:
In these contacts I have many friends who are coaches, therapists and teachers who I will address personally to ask for their support. 


Facebook Addicted to Love: 161
Instagram Aleah Ava: 360
Instagram Addicted to Love: 76

Competition

♠ No 1 ♠
Title: Facing Love Addiction
Subtitle: Giving Yourself The Power To Change The Way You Love
Author: Pia Mellody 
Publisher: HarperOne
Year: 2003
Description: Pia Mellody is the Pioneer in this field. Her book is incredibly elaborate on the subject as such. A lot of theoretical background focusing on the co-addictive relationship between the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant. She also clearly states how codependency is present in people with an addiction to love and states that this issue needs to be addressed prior to working through Love Addiction. The recovery process is based on a lot of reflection and journaling, suggesting that the root problem to be addressed when working through it with a therapist.


♠ No 2 ♠
Title: Women Who Love too Much
Subtitle: When you keep wishing and hoping he'll change
Author: Robin Norwood
Publisher: Pocket Books
Year: 2008
Description:  No 1 NY Times Bestseller; This book helps to recognize the roots of destructive patterns of relating and provides a step-by-step guide to a more rewarding way of living and loving. 


♠ No 3 ♠

Title: Is it Love or is it Addiction?
Subtitle: The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy
Author: Brenda Schaeffer
Publisher: HazeldenYear: 2009
Description: This book helps people find their way from the trials and confusion of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships. It focuses on compassion and lasting effect by increasing our awareness of the ways that we express love.  It shows what Love Addiction is and what it is not, how to identify it, and, even more important, how to break free of it. 


♠ No 4 ♠
Title: Love Addict
Subtitle: Sex, Romance and other dangerous Drugs
Author: Ethlie Ann Vare
Publisher: Health Communications Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL 33442
Year: 2011
Description: Ann Vare shares the stories of addicts and her own, as well as interviews with therapists [and] addiction specialists.  The book has a humorist style, taking the reader on a journey through love addiction throughout the ages and explains the science behind it.


♠ No 5 ♠
Title: Love and Addiction
Subtitle: None
Authors: Stanton Peele, Archie Brodsky
Publisher: Broadrow Publications
Year: 2015
Description: A pioneering study of the addictive qualities of Love focusing not only on the subject Love Addiction but also on addiction and addictive behaviour as such (especially drugs). It includes a general theory of addiction and looks at how we grow up addicted. It also elaborates on our addicted society in general and physiological and psychological mechanisms of Addiction.


♠ No 6 ♠
Title: Insatiable
Subtitle: A memoir of Love Addiction
Author: Shary Hauer
Publisher: She Writes Press
Year: 2015
Description: Hauer fearlessly chronicles her emotional journey from despair to hope, rejection to redemption, and self-hate to self-love, one man at a time. In candid detail, she relates what it is like to be trapped in the torturous cycle of love addiction.


♠ No 7 ♠
Title: The Marriage Junkie
Subtitle: Kicking your Obsession
Author: Sherry Gaba
Publisher: Motivational Press
Year: 2018
Description: There are many books on Love Addiction, but no one has approached the subject of its equally damaging cousin―marriage and relationship addiction. The book also addresses early childhood trauma and how that affects our subsequent choices in partners. 

How is "Are you sure it's love" different?

  • Most of the books above are written by Therapists. Are you sure it's Love, however, is written from a recovering love addict, a woman who was fierce and dedicated to stepping out of obsessive love. She vulnerably shares the bad and the ugly to illustrate her journey that will make recovery feasible. Although therapy was part of her recovery, she provides the reader with a short-cut, the essence of what worked and what did not. Her main goal is to empower and enable the reader as not everyone is naturally open to take the help of a therapist. Her inexorable inquiry and longing to get better is what enabled her to dive so fully and deeply into the darkest places of herself. Having been to the depth of her very own soul is what enables her to guide the readers to these places within themselves.

  • Just as Are you sure it's Love does, most books point out the root cause of Love Addiction lying in childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment that created an immeasurable amount of emotional pain and feelings that have not been felt but rather repressed in our system/unconscious. How do we get access to these feelings? These feelings are key in recovery. To access them we need to leverage the triggers life brings to us. This approach is the core of recovery in this book and a rather unique aspect described in this book. The author guides through the exact process that will address and transform dormant feelings as we can only heal what we can feel.



Sample

Snippet from "Why I wrote this book - my personal story"

For a long time, I did not understand why I had to go through so much pain in my life. Today, I do, and I do not regret anything that happened in my life as it has equipped me with everything I need to help people today. I feel blessed and am grateful for the life I have had so far. I believe in authenticity, vulnerability, and honesty. By sharing my story with you, I intend to normalize our need to protect and pretend because it is so scary to talk about what happened to us. In my experience, if we want to create more love and connection, we have to show up real. No hiding. Honoring our experiences. Besides, it will give you a better impression of why I do what I do and hopefully, you’ll be able to trust me a little bit more, after reading this book. I am so glad you decided to dedicate some of your time to reading this book. Thank you very much!

For as long as I can remember, I felt like I lived in a bubble, like I was disappearing into the void, feeling deeply alone and isolated. I was a tremendously sensitive child who literally felt everything that happened around myself. I felt everyone’s feelings, pain and hurt, penetrating me, affecting me, unloading onto me, as if I was the recycler for everyone’s pain. My mother’s unloved heart, her frustrations, anger and hopelessness, my father’s longings for a deeper connection, my sister’s feelings of unworthiness, all projected onto me. Apart from that, I had to deal with my own very elaborate feeling world. It was simply unbearable. What was I supposed to do with all of that? I was just a child, walking through life with a very heavy heart, feeling extremely stupid and ugly, hated by most, carrying an unmet longing for something I couldn’t put my finger on yet. 

...

My childhood was a world of fears. A fear that accompanied me throughout life. Already at 2-3 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night in terror, unable to move, paralyzed, until I finally made my way over to my parents’ bedroom, where my dad lifted the blanket, and I crawled in quietly to sleep between my mum and my dad, trying not to wake up my mum. She was exhausted from a hard day. She was not exactly delighted to have me disturb her sleep. I kept having the same dream. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but no voice came out. Over and over again. I didn’t know by then what it meant, but later on, it became apparent how I longed for my mom to actually hold me and ask me “why are you afraid, honey? Tell me all about it. I am here with you.” Mummy? Where are you? You are lying right next to me, and still, I cannot see you. I cannot feel you. Who are you?

...

I started my trail of broken relationships. My experiences with men were mostly painful. Everywhere I turned, I met an absence of love, (sexual) rejection, proof that something about myself was not good enough, emotional abuse and dependency. I kept searching for something that seemed not to exist for me. And then he came along. My biggest nightmare and my angel of awakening at the same time. That’s when the typical love addict (me) met the perfect match made in hell - the avoidant love addict (him). You will learn all about that special bond in this book later on. What followed was one and a half years of the most horrible relationship I ever had. I entered an abusive cycle of attraction, pursuit, denial, idolization, manipulation, loss of self, dumping, ghosting, hoovering back in, repeat, repeat, repeat, until I sat on a psychologist’s chair asking him to take me off work, because I felt like I really couldn’t do life anymore. I was completely dependent on him. I was trying to make him love me, and it just did not work. Whenever we got close, and the love between us grew, he would take his sword and destroy it – out of fear mostly. 

...

I was often angry with God during the first two years of therapy. I did not understand how he could send me through so much pain for such a long time. Today, I do understand it. I had to go this deep so I can take people this deep. Whatever it is that I am writing about in this book, I have been there. In the depth of it and I want to help. I have always been blessed with a powerful intuition and an almost clairsentient gift, meaning that I feel what people feel. It’s like I look at a table and I see that at the back of one leg, there is a hole even if it is not visible to my eye. I love people. And I am deeply compassionate for the path they have walked. I respect them and their feelings, and I give them space to express them, and I try to guide them in learning to do so. I have an innate longing to serve and actually find great pleasure in doing so. I have been blessed with a super awareness, ever since I was 27, and walk through life metaphorically next to myself, continually observing, reflecting, and learning about how I show up in this world. 


Snippet from "What is Love Addiction?"

Most people would never combine the words Love and Addiction. It is, in fact, the least recognised form of addiction (Peele, Stanton; Brodsky, Archie). On the other hand, it is probably one of the most common of humankind, and it leads - like any other addiction - to great suffering. I am not surprised if you haven’t given much thought about whether or not you might be addicted to love, because the very nature of Love Addiction is denial. Often, we lack awareness around this subject. We don’t know that we are addicted to love, and we do not see the problems our behaviour causes. We fail to recognise the fact that we are the common denominator in our failed relationships, where we easily and readily put the blame on our dates, lovers, partners, or anyone else we are entangled with. Often, we find ourselves in the position of victim and cannot understand how we continuously attract emotionally unavailable or even abusive partners. This does not mean that it is our fault. None of this is about fault. It just means that we failed to look at what we contributed to a situation, what our part in it is, and where we did not take full responsibility for our own well-being. Denial is so strong, because it allows us to avoid dealing with our desperate problematic behaviour, feelings, and unmet needs that lie beneath it all. 

If we look at the characteristics of any addiction, it is the obsessive, compulsive need or dependence upon something. This can be a substance such as drugs or alcohol or non-substances such as an object, a relationship, love, or an activity (gambling, social media platforms). 

We are drawn to addictions, because of the way they make us feel. We use it as an escape, and it allows us to avoid and numb painful feelings, and, in addition to that, to avoid reality and the self. Addictions also help to deal with our pain related to unfulfilled needs and longings. 

...

Love Addiction Definition:

“A strong, unhealthy physiological and psychological desire and/or dependence on the continuous presence of love and attention. It is usually accompanied by a compulsion to find and keep love and feel loved at all times. It also includes an inability to stand centered, self-assured with clear beliefs, values and standards in life, quickly compromising oneself at the potential threat of losing love. It also involves a deep, aching need for security, a diminished sense of self, as well as an involuntary dependence on another person - love being, in the end, a self-serving device.“

...

Love for me was a way to fill an internal emptiness, a painful void that I carried inside of myself for as long as I could remember. It temporarily took away some of my deep-rooted pain, and it made me feel alive, worthy, and loved. For a moment, I was able to escape my profound loneliness and isolation, and it let me forget about my fears and anxiety that I carried inside myself. When I was with my guy, I felt so connected, as if, all of a sudden, my life had meaning. I would forget everything around me, until I was alone again. Being and feeling connected really helped me to control my feelings, for a moment, the pain was gone. Even romanticising or daydreaming about him or us gave me a great feeling. In my mind, I would often have a whole movie going on about how we met by chance, in the fields, where I was walking. Him looking so beautiful with the sun going down behind him, and he would ask me with his sexy voice something like this: 

“I have been looking for you everywhere!” My heart would melt, hearing these lines. Even just fantasising gave me a new rush of pleasure, a “high”, so to speak. It also allowed me to have a break from what I was tired of feeling or unwilling, often, unable to feel.


Snippet from "2.2 Reason Nr. 2: The early absence of Love and Childhood Trauma"

The second reason for love addiction is something I understood very deeply and have explored in my own life. It is the very reason why I do what I do and the result of the work I offer today. It enabled me to turn my life around, 180 degrees, and I know what it takes to do so. I have experienced, first-hand, how much of an addict I really was. How I was looking for that next shot of heroin called love and how, without it, I would be completely lost, unable to live. It took away every dignity, every possibility, every hope, and it has brought me to my knees, basically to where you say “I’m done with this life. I’m just going to end it right now.” Had there not been my family and friends that I truly cared about, I don’t know what I would have done. I was really ready to give up. I faced death in these moments and I thought, “where do I go from here? Why be alive, when all I feel is utter hopelessness?” Death seemed so much more attractive to me than life. I thank god that in these moments, I had help. Instead of remaining in this comatose state, I had help in exploring the feelings that were behind all of my desperations. Diving into the feelings actually took away the component of suffering them. I will explain all of that in detail, when we come to the part about HOW we are actually going to overcome it. The point is that, what I found beyond my desperation, that utter pain that I found beyond not wanting to be alive, is what ignited my healing. 

In simple words, it is the horrific pain of early absence of love. Specialists call it childhood trauma or early abandonment from our caregivers. 

When we are born, we are little beings, full of needs, and we are fully dependent on someone else to take care of us. We need to be fed, dressed, bathed, put to sleep, and kept safe, but, most importantly, besides the obvious needs for food, shelter, and safety, we need to be held, cuddled, loved, seen, validated, paid attention to, touched, looked at, talked to, and respected in our feelings. In other words, we need to be deeply loved. And we need it at the time we need it. If these needs are not met at the moment we need it, meaning if we are not loved when we need it, we are in deep pain & we translate that into feeling unworthy & unloved. To me, that was where my never-ending feeling of not being good enough came from that so many of us face and that keeps so many of us living up to our true potential, making things happen for us, living that great version of our self.

Not experiencing that deep love truly means we might die. I have been there, I have felt exactly how I felt when experiencing that early absence of love and whether we have been loved in such a way or not will be decisive for whether we will be thriving in life later on or not. 

We need to understand that Love and a safe attachment allows our brain to develop adequately which builds resilience that allows us to deal with the challenges later on in life. I am now talking about the important work of Dr. Bruce Perry, Child & Adolescence psychiatrist and neuro scientist who says that the brain reflects the world you grew up in. If that world is relationally impoverished, if people are not really talking with each other or resent each other or there is any form of adversity such as for example stress related to money, a child won't get adequate stimulation of the parts of the brain involved in forming and maintaining healthy relationships and you will be fundamentally self-absorbed. The seed of resilience comes from at least one secure attachment experienced in childhood! That is what makes children do well later on in life. To me Dr. Perry does probably one of the most impactful and also important work in this world. In the Childhood Trauma Academy, he treats children with a traumatic background, creating opportunities for consistent, predictable, nurturing & relational interactions to shift some of the traumatic imprint these kids have received due to impoverished relationships and childhood trauma.

Here comes the sad truth; for most of us, that quality of love has not been available. Most of us have repeatedly not had our needs answered when we needed it. Very early in life, we learned that our intrinsic needs for validation, love, and connection with one or both parents were not met. Many of us did not have a secure attachment and good bonding experiences and we felt very neglected, deprived, and abandoned many times. Sure, most of us had had the basic needs fulfilled, such as food, shelter, and safety. However, the subtler needs, such as deep connection, love, presence, care, and attention, were oftentimes completely neglected. Our parents probably meant well, but they could not give what they had not been given themselves. That early absence of love shapes and wires our system and the way we experience life today...

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The author hasn't added any updates, yet.

  • Can Cotuk on Nov. 15, 2018, 8:10 a.m.

    Good luck! I love your work and I believe in you.

  • Christina Mueller on Nov. 15, 2018, 7:06 p.m.

    Wish you great success <3

  • Shirley van Straaten on Nov. 16, 2018, 7:58 a.m.

    What an amazing offer ... and a great platform to host it!!! I wish you every success, darling, and I've been watching your personal journey with great interest. Keep it up ... onward and upward!!! 💪❣💋

  • Jan Mehlhose on Nov. 21, 2018, 7:07 p.m.

    We cannot wait to read the book! The podcast is amazing :)

  • Béatrice Ingold on Nov. 28, 2018, 2:51 p.m.

    Honey - I am so deeply proud of you and happy to be a part of this group. You created something really impactful. Let's build up this community.

  • Jamie Gilcrease on Dec. 4, 2018, 12:36 p.m.

  • Niek Wagemans on Dec. 4, 2018, 1:41 p.m.

    Just bought the book dear Aleah, wouldn't mind the date. Good luck with your work

  • Elisabeth Rooks on Dec. 4, 2018, 2:54 p.m.

    All the very best& I'm looking forward to reading your book

  • Amber Nicole Turner on Dec. 6, 2018, 6:52 p.m.

    I just bought 3 copies of your Are You Sure Its Love Book! I am so looking forward to reading it, learning and growing. Wishing you every success Aleah! Keep going!!! Love Amber xxx

  • Bjorn Heijligers on Dec. 8, 2018, 3:53 p.m.

    Thank you for creating a doorway for people to find a new kind of love. Keep up the great work!

  • Nadja Eriksson on Dec. 9, 2018, 12:16 p.m.

    Hey baby, good work, can't wait to read your book baby. <3

  • Amy Dyer on Dec. 9, 2018, 9:18 p.m.

    Love watching you on this journey. A constant source of inspiration. You Rock!

  • Racheter Simone on Dec. 10, 2018, 11:57 a.m.

    good luck and success for what you do!

  • Frank Vorrath on Dec. 10, 2018, 6:41 p.m.

    Always a pleasure and keep going and believe in yourself! Best, Frank😀

  • Ingunn Tennbakk on Dec. 12, 2018, 1:04 p.m.

    You go girl!

  • Hans Ruethemann on Dec. 13, 2018, 2:36 p.m.

    We wish you the best success with this! What great work! Congratulations!

  • ADAM CARROLL on Dec. 13, 2018, 4:31 p.m.

    Love was you're doing. Very proud of you Aleah. Love Adam x

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