What is it about death and loss that changes your entire being?

Sometimes in the face of adversity, it’s comforting just to know that there are other people going

through what you are experiencing. Dancing at a crossroad is much easier when you are

amongst others who understand your journey, than by going it alone.

When my mother died, the pain and emptiness I felt in that moment, was like no other I had ever

felt before.  Nothing mattered, not my life or anything I owned. Time itself became stagnant. My

existence as I have always known it had changed instantaneously. Strangely, everyone keeps

telling me how strong I am. The truth is I cannot comprehend what they see because, even

though I am smiling on the outside, on the inside I am slowly dying.

Dealing with grief is a head game. You experience things that your mind is not prepared for, and

your body has to try to reconcile what you feel and try to react in a manner that would not add

more shock to your already shocked system. Shock provides an emotional shield from being

overwhelmed all at once, and facing the truth.

Truth also manifests in the nature of your relationship. Whether you were best friends or you

were estranged, the emotional connection that you had while in your mother’s womb can return

suddenly, and you’ll know without a doubt that you love her and that she loves you. As I bear

the pain of losing the one person who cared for me more than anyone else in this world, I

wonder... What is my life’s mission? What real purpose could my life have now?

I have a dream... I am trapped in a burning house... it is my Mom’s house. Somehow though, I

receive a warning about the fire before it starts. As the smoke appears I begin running back and

forth trying to save whatever I could. I suddenly remember my passport but do not know where

to find it. I notice neighbors across the street watching the fire from a distance, nobody

attempting to help. The fire seemed to be contained within the walls only. Then just as suddenly

as it started it just stopped, the walls barely stained. Although I am running around I never felt

scared of being burned. I felt at peace in the midst...safe almost. Then the dream changed

course...my Mom was there ironing an outfit and pleading with me to put it on. I started to argue

with her then realized I was out of line.  Mothers know best, right! I wake up.

The scariest moment through all happened today! I returned home, driving down Interstate 75 in

Miami. I was feeling really low and decided I was going to end it all. I was going above the

speed limit and in the distance, slightly to my left I noticed the concrete column that supported

the upcoming ramp. In my mind I was calculating the width; that it was wide enough for a

successful head­-on crash that would render no more pain. I remember thinking this would be

swift and easy, nobody would miss me and I would definitely get to see my Mom.

As I remained consumed in my thoughts, I did not realize that the car had indeed started

veering off the road and I was brought back to life in an instant. I panicked and tried steering the

car back into the lane when it started swerving...left...then right...then left again. Fear gripped

me and my life flashed before my eyes in an instant. In another few seconds I was able to get

the car under control but my nerves were a wreck. I pulled over to the side, bent over and

started bawling. I felt every emotion I had been through up until now in that outburst but it

helped me to release what I had inside. It emptied me this evening.

That was the day I decided that I needed to live.

However, I am becoming impatient with the process, with these feelings that come and go

without warning. I am tired of the emotional rollercoaster and unpredictability of my situation. I

just crave normalcy and know I have to trust that in time I would feel normal again and in control

of my responses, but right now it is difficult, so I journal. Join me.

Recall your last moments with your loved one or the moment you experienced your loss. What

were you thinking? How did the events play out?

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Consider how you feel. Write down the experiences that are both pleasurable and painful to you

and relive them in the space below.  

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Are you frustrated and angry? Write down 3 specific things that annoy you, then consider one

way you can help yourself heal. List the easiest ways to reroute your anger. For example, sitting

amongst nature, going to the theater or even journaling in quiet of your home. 

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Make a list of things that have become extremely important to you in the midst of your transition.

How does each one make you feel?

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You are looking forward to the future. It doesn’t mean that you are over your loss, but you are

processing differently. Make a list of new things that you would like to do to improve your life.  

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