Monica Cable started her writing career early in life, penning her first short story "Nature's Finest" in 1981, at the age of 5. Discouraged by her small child's vocabulary, she felt the short story format was best suited for her but by grade three, brand new home computer at the ready, she felt fit to finally tackle her first novel, about the always-interesting grade school life of a white child in suburban America. Monica continued writing throughout her childhood in Cleveland and into her teens, what could mostly be considered prehistoric fanfiction starring herself and the New Kids on the Block. Eventually, through schooling and life experience, Monica made it to the important milestone of being paid for her word-smithing. She's written, edited and proofread for an Internet publishing firm, a well-known Hollywood research firm and various individual clients. Her love of writing has never waned, no matter how often she had to write about health insurance or human resources, and her personal projects include screenplays, novels and co-authoring the most hilarious chick lit series you're not reading. She recently completed her first non-fiction book "If You Were an Alien, Would You Want to Live Here??? 101 Reasons Why Fearing an Alien Invasion is Absolutely Preposterous...and 10 that Kinda Make Sense" and is already at work on her next literary marvel. You can follow her insane wit and uncomfortable observations on FaceBook, Blogger, Pinterest, and Twitter. Monica is now living in Portland, OR with her husband (who is not a member of New Kids on the Block).
Some might consider author and wordsmith Monica Cable to be psychic, knowing almost at birth that she was destined to be a writer. And a writer she was, beginning her career putting pencil to paper when she was in kindergarten. That's right, KINDERGARTEN. And ever since that first day in 1981, when her first mentor Mrs. Taylor introduced her to the written word, she has practiced her craft. Not a day has gone by when this dedicated artist hasn't worked with words, whether writing, speaking or thinking. She spent elementary school as well as middle and high school taking her love and passion for words and turning them into beautiful and comprehensive complex sentences and even paragraphs.
At this point in her life, Cable felt unstoppable. She'd spent 13 of her 18 years submerged in words, considering herself an expert in all 26 letters of the English alphabet. She had even become so confident in her abilities that in the sixth grade she added French words to her vast collection of terms and expressions. She had spent these years in concentrated study, devoting countless hours to her craft, where she learned about topic sentences and five paragraph themes as well as the more artful form of building phrases and producing thoughts known to most as poetry. She began studying Shakespeare in grade eight, the same year she tackled, with help from her best friend, the feat of rewriting the Mark Twain classic "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer", a masterpiece her English teacher couldn't help but urge them to "consider writing more" of.
At this point in her young life, Monica was already well on her way to mastering so many of the different forms and methods of the very essence of language itself. She'd written short stories, novellas, and novels as well as penned both incredibly poignant and fantastically terrible poetry, knowing that her education wasn't complete without this integral part of human expression. And if that wasn't enough, she made sure to become more than familiar with all types of literary equipment, including pens, pencils, paper, quill and ink, typewriter, word processor and even technological marvel, the computer.
It was during this portion of her education that Monica's viewpoint on things like society, politics and human behavior first started to solidify themselves. She became fascinated with the idea that the small suburb of Cleveland, Ohio that she called home was somehow 4.5 miles of land (and 2.5 miles of fresh Lake Erie water) that found space for not one or two but six -- that's right, SIX -- different churches. She was struck by the fact that there could possibly be both a rich and poor side of such a solidly upper-middle class town. And she couldn't quite let go of the fact that, despite what so many of her favorite TV shows showed her, most people in her world looked, sounded and worshiped just like her. And she discovered that this fact was incredibly isolating and boring.
During her senior year of high school, Cable discovered the work of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. While most of us read Slaughterhouse Five during the course of our schooling, it was Cat's Cradle that made its way into her brain, latching on and taking hold. She was fascinated by the fictional story of the creator of the atomic bomb and layers upon layers that Vonnegut wove into his work. She couldn't help but be moved by Vonnegut's use of his ability to speak so poignantly and bluntly about topics that he felt needed to be talked about.
It was now that Monica felt she had earned her advancement in the study of written expression, which made her next step quite clear. She would spend the next four years, buckling down and throwing herself (heart, mind and soul) into achieving what would make her officially unbeatable: her very own license to word. She chose the University of Dayton as the place that would help build upon her already strong foundation in the English language, studying various types of poetry and literature and continuing to learn the best and most effective devices for communicating thought and belief to vast quantities of people. During her years at UD, she would pilgrimage once a year with the English Department to The Stratford Shakespeare Festival in Stratford, Ontario which helped to cement her love and devotion to the English language and the art form that is literature.
Monica spent her years at UD soaking up as much knowledge on the things that interested her as she could. She thrived in all of her English classes, falling even more in love with The Bard than she already was and found that two years were all that were necessary to heal the wounds that Bleak House had created in high school by the soothing caress of A Tale of Two Cities her sophomore year. It was during this stretch of her study that Monica began to explore her confidence as a writer. With the guidance of some of the finest professors and scholars, Cable discovered her voice...a voice drowning in vocabulary and condescension but with such a masterful touch of artful discourse and needle-like wit that not only does one hardly notice when one is being made fun of but one hardly cares.
In addition to her favorite English classes, Monica found her fascination with The Holocaust and World War II continued to grow, never fully being able to comprehend the horror found there. She soaked up the discussions about The Hutu and The Tutsi in her sociology classes and began to really learn about so many places and people that weren't taught to her in high school. And through this, she began to realize that anomalies such as The Holocaust weren't necessarily anomalies at all and that writers all over the world were using their skills and talents to help speak out about pain and suffering. Eli Wiesel's Night, The Shawl by Cynthia Ozick, The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien and Le Ly Hayslip's When Heaven and Earth Changed Places all resonated so deep within her that she felt she carried these stories with her wherever she went and she began to begin to understand some of what she might want to do with her ability.
Towards the end of and immediately after her collegiate education, Monica had two very significant life events that she credits with influencing her art to this day. The first was the opportunity to hear Kurt Vonnegut speak at a nearby university. Sitting in the same room as one of her heroes was both heady and enlightening but happening upon him afterwards, sitting on a bench with few people around, was life-changing. She, along with a handful of other students, listened as Vonnegut told tales of his life and art in the uncompromisingly blunt and tender way he had about him.
The second life-altering moment was actually a good deal less flashy and quite a bit more personal. It was by no means the first time Monica realized she was a rebel, having struggled against the tyranny of the government ever since she sat in a darkened theatre at age five and watched as both ET and Elliot were violated at their core for something as simple as friendship. Perhaps, even igniting this very book in her subconscious at that young an age. But as much as Monica held a rebel heart inside of her body, even throughout the course of college she never rallied against the establishment the way her soul always urged her to. But on a graduation trip with her mother and her aunt, Monica found her rebel voice for the first time. The trip would take them from London to Paris, and then the whole of France, a country Monica came to love intrinsically after much study of their language and an influential high school trip which allowed her to live in Grenoble for a summer. It was early in the trip, still in London, while Cable was soaking up the literary history as well as the burgeoning art that always clings to the city's atmosphere when she was faced with her moral dilemma. Standing in her Mecca, her Lourdes, her Mount Olympus even, she trembled in awe of the brilliance and history around her. She was at Shakespeare's birthplace. Her trip to Anne Hathaway's cottage was lovely but this bordered on miraculous and as the very nice and always helpful tour guide pointed out different nooks and crannies, Monica couldn't help but be moved. The guide pointed out the things in the room that were obvious additions, meant to be the most accurate of replicas, there to help paint a picture of what The Bard himself must've been witness to. And then she began to tell a tale, clearly a work of fiction, imagining Shakespeare toiling about, considering word choice and character development. He paced back and forth, concentrating on the task at hand, stopping for a moment to better think and leaning on the fireplace mantle as he did. The guide assured that it was the very same fireplace mantel the crowd was looking at -- an unequivocal piece of literary history! And then, she asked that no hand touch the fireplace, a reasonable request that all museums ask of us and that we, as patrons, are both contractually obligated to follow and bound to by all societal norms and decorums. Cable nodded, agreeing at once, so very insistent in her mind that this literary Arc of the Covenant stay intact. She acted as guard, waiting until most others had passed through the room and moved on to other things more appropriate to them, like the gift shop or public restroom. And then she grabbed hold. She reached out with both her hands and like a child grappling onto the nearest piece of furniture it could find, hoping to lift itself up for the first time on its very own, she latched onto the mantelpiece and tried with all of her might to fuse her flesh into the old, splintered wood. And as she looked around to make sure no one had seen, she held her head high and proud, feeling the rebel's blood coursing though her veins and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was where her true heart stood, on the front lines of a fight against the rules and the ruling class, hoping to make us all equal once again.
After receiving her bachelor's degree, Monica decided it was time to get some real world experience. She spent the next five years honing her craft at an Internet publishing firm back home in Cleveland, spending 40 hours a week submerged in fascinating articles from various industry and professional periodicals as well as scholarly journals. She learned about crazy interesting industries like risk management and financial planning and devoted much of her time to learning the ins and outs of the captivating field of human resources, all the while improving upon her already masterful writing abilities. She proofread and edited her colleagues work and was put in charge of the most important journals, writing abstracts for online search engines that paraphrased without plagiarizing the works from popular, contemporary publications.
In addition to her very first salaried position, Monica continued her writing at home, as well. She was at work on two novels on the fateful day when she happened upon the treasure trove that was the Internet's vast fiction-writing training ground: fanfiction. Seeing the sea of stories online, written by regular people that were shared globally was eye-opening. Yes, she saw a chance to enjoy her favorite characters doing things and acting out story lines that she was denied onscreen but more so than that, she saw thousands of opportunities to workshop her techniques as well as her ideas. And that's exactly what she did.
It didn't take long for Cable's writing to gain a following. She snagged new readers daily and word of her tales began circulating from one site to the next, more than once being recognized when randomly posting comments on sites she tended not to frequent. And when the site she called home started a Writer of the Month award, she was the first chosen.
It was during this time in her life, when Monica began wondering if Cleveland was the best place for her as a writer. She had begun collaborating with a fellow writer online, their particular fanfiction series becoming a hit immediately and they knew they had lightening in a bottle. The original characters in their series were vastly more popular than the few already establish ones they were employing and they were both losing interest in devoting any time or page space to people or places they had not created themselves. And with that knowledge they decided to pack up their shit show and move to Los Angeles, with one fanfiction project begging for an overhaul and one Project Greenlight script reject tucked under their elbows.
Monica continued to work on her writing when she reached Los Angeles, proofreading and quality testing for a major market researcher in the television and film industry. And at the same time, she and her writing partner continued to work on their project, overhauling it completely to remove the offending unoriginal characters and relocating the rest of their fictional crew. She also tried her hand at another screenplay, this one on her own, and between the two projects began to sharpen her writer's voice, becoming more and more adept at weaving her cunning and sly sense of humor into her flowing prose.
In some respects, even more important than all of that, Los Angeles brought her perspective on issues that she would've never seen at home. The booming metropolis allowed her to meet people she would've never met, see things she would've never seen and experience a level of poverty she would've never been able to experience back in Cleveland. Her ten years in Los Angeles finally gave Monica the opportunity that she was always looking for as a girl, to be amongst people and in situations where she could really learn and expand herself. And like most creative and funny people, instead of letting the challenges she experienced beat her down, she took her abilities and perspective and simmered them together until they reduced down and became a delicious and concentrated sauce that she poured over everything in her life.
And now that Cable has moved again -- this time with her husband -- to the independent thinkers capital of the US, Portland, OR, she's only at the beginning of her grand pursuit to take over the world and cover it in her very own special sauce and it's a meal we can all look forward to.
Bon Appétit and don't forget to tip your server!
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This is where you get yourself a fancy schmancy super digital eBook. Your name will also be forever etched, digitally, into the special thanks page of the very eBook you will be receiving, at least until the aliens take it away from you (which you'll soon learn won't be much of a problem).
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$5 eBook Itty Bitty Swag Bag EARLY BIRD SALE
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Along with your wonderfully digital copy of The Alien Hypothesis, you will have carefully addressed and mailed to your very own customized destination, the Itty Bitty Swag Bag which regularly comes in at $7! Look at you saving money and snagging literature, all in one fell swoop.
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving.
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Along with your wonderfully digital copy of The Alien Hypothesis, you will have carefully addressed and mailed to your very own customized destination, the Itty Bitty Swag Bag!
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving.
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This is the plain ol' book purchase. Hooray! You're getting a physical book, the whole reason I got into writing. I mean eBooks are great, just ask the trees (but what do they know, really) but there's nothing like a book to remind you how far behind on your reading you are, amirite?
Orders on this tier will not be shipped internationally.
We're also throwing in the Itty Bitty Swag bag simply because most of the items fit neatly between the pages. Also, hey, bookmark.
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving (apart from the whole friggin' chapter you're getting).
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$20 Alien Hypothesis - YOU Edition
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OK, so I just wrote 101 reasons why the aliens won't come here, but I can always use additional inspiration. So give me a paragraph about yourself (or a loved one... or a hated one, I don't care) and I'll make a special eBook edition with a chapter all about YOU (or the aforementioned loved/hated one).
You'll get a copy of both the regular and personal versions of the eBook, the latter of which will have lost all value to you whatsoever.
As if that weren't enough, you'll also get the amazing Itty Bitty Swag Bag because you're such a nice gal/guy/martian (are martians unisex?).
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving (apart from the whole friggin' chapter you're getting).
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$25 It's All Your Fault!!!
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This one's a lot like the YOU edition. But like all movies about aliens, or maybe just a few of them, there's a twist. This time you give me a paragraph about yourself and I write a chapter why YOU're the whole reason these things attacked. It's a way you can live out a self-persecution complex in the fun of a book (there are NO other books out there that do this).
You'll get a copy of both the regular and personal versions of the eBook, the latter of which will have lost all value to you whatsoever.
As if that weren't enough, you'll also get the amazing Itty Bitty Swag Bag because you're such a nice gal/guy/martian (are martians unisex?).
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving.
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$70 Gift Box
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This is the physical basket of goodies you've been waiting for. All your life, or at least the time it took you to scroll down this far, you've been waiting for this one thing. And this box, because it is sizeable (well, sizeable ENOUGH, anyway) will fit an Itty Bitty Swag Bag for your pleasure alone, or the pleasure of the person you're gifting it to.
The Gift Box comes with the following items:
* A soft cover copy of my book (classic!)
* A hardback copy of my book, signed and with a lovely note (super fancy!!)
* A T-shirt (yay!!!)
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving.
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$100 Let's Chat!
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Hey there, nice to meet you. I'm Monica and you are...
Yes, here we'll be chatting. Facetime, Skype, tin cans on strings, whatever your medium of choice is good, as long as it's the one that works best for the both of us when it comes time to figure that out.
We'll chat, we'll have a nice time. You can ask me about the book, we can talk about Gilmore Girls (probably even complain about or applaud the new Netflix season, depending), or listen to me complain about JJ Abrams. How about some Shakespeare discussion?**
Yes, we'll have some time to discuss. It'll be fun. I can't wait.
Oh, and you get the Gift Box, as well. Enjoy!
** We will most certainly NOT be discussing anything inappropriate for casual conversation. Please don't test my Hanging Up skills as there will be no refund should it go there.
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The requirement here is that you should be located in the Portland area, or planning on visiting here. It's simple, we'll meet at Powell's City of Books, maybe grab tea or coffee and you'll also get The Gift Box!
My husband will join, and you may bring along a +1 as well. We'll talk, we'll shop for books, we'll have a grand old time. How could you not, it's Powell's!
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$100 Writer's Coaching Session
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I graduated with a degree in words. That includes wordsmithing, phrase coining, and mucking about with what not's and wheretofores.
Yes, you get a 1-on-1 coaching session with me about how to complete your book and get it out there in the world. Ask questions, take down notes, follow up with questions via Twitter and email.
We'll figure out the best method of meeting and I'll grant you my writing experiences and knowledge.
This tier also comes with The Gift Box.
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$500 Pre-Sales for the FUTURE
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I'm a writer. I write.
While this is the first non-fiction book I've really tried to get out there in the wild, I don't expect it to be my last by a long shot. And so it's with great confidence that I include in this set:
The gift box, The Itty Bitty Swag Bag, and The Books of the Future book set:
The Gift Box comes with the following items:
* A soft cover copy of my book (classic!)
* A hardback copy of my book, signed and with a lovely note (super fancy!!)
* A T-shirt (yay!!!)
The Itty Bitty Swag Bag comes with the following items:
* An Alien Hypothesis bookmark (ooooooooooh)
* More than one Alien Hypothesis sticker (aaaaaaaaaaah)
* A heartfelt Thank You note (nifty!)
* and... a mention inside the eBook you'll be receiving.
The Books of the Future book set comes with the following items:
* A copy of every book I publish from here on out! (say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!)
Note that the Books of the Future set will be physical copies where applicable. If there are titles that are only available digitally, that is what I will provide.
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101 Reasons Why Fearing an Alien Invasion is Absolutely Preposterous and 10 That Kinda Make Sense
Worried ET is coming to use you as a skin suit? One courageous writer examines why Earth isn't the Home for Wayward Aliens we fear.
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One thing that I believe above most everything else is that everybody needs a laugh. Seriously. Everybody. If we all laughed more, there's a really good possibility that our world would be a better, happier place. It's harder to bully someone, set off a bomb or even be an internet troll when you're busy laughing. It's harder to come home at the end of the day, hating life, when you know a good, thorough laugh is mere minutes away. Laughter transforms people. It can make a horrible day tolerable or a great day amazing. And it can give you the perfect environment to examine yourself and grow. To become that better person.
Which brings me to my secret about this book. The thing is, I don't work at NASA. I'm not a resident of Roswell, waiting for visits from above and beyond. I haven't run to the store and bought boxes and boxes of mashed potatoes so I can craft a monument to the sun. In short? I don't know squat about aliens and this book has nothing to do with them. That's right, nothing. Not one single thing. Instead, it's all about us. It's about human beings and how our behavior and lifestyle choices would look to someone peering at us from the outside. Would our eating habits make sense? Our mating habits? How about our fascination with war and God and The Bachelor? How do we as a species hold up under scrutiny?
If You Were An Alien, Would You Want To Live Here? 101 Reasons Why Fearing An Alien Invasion is Absolutely Preposterous and 10 That Kinda Make Sense allows us to examine ourselves, under the safety net of laughter, and be honest about who we are as people, reflecting on our fears and vulnerabilities and humorously giving ourselves a much needed talking to. To not read it, is to deny yourself an epic life-changing event that will forever alter the way you look at people, our planet and yourself. Plus, you'll miss out on meeting your new favorite author -- the one who reintroduced you to common sense and compassion through a cunning use of words and wit and taught you that the best kind of laughter is the one aimed squarely at yourself.
If You Were An Alien, Would You Want To Live Here reads as a hilarious manifesto, set-up to be the latest in the world of cult followings and smack-you-in-the-face honesty that reaches inside of you and smacks you square in the conscience with your funny bone. Some chapters to look forward to include Our Climate Sucks, Your Menstrual Cycle and You, Eyelashes: Our Ultimate Weapon, Here Comes the Us...I Mean Sun, Hipsters, Peanut Butter, Selfies and Jon Stewart.
INTRODUCTION
This book is full wit, sarcasm and satire. You’ve been warned.
CHAPTER ONE:
THE UNIVERSE IS FUCKING HUGE! (SAID WITH THICK SCOTTISH BROGUE)
CHAPTER TWO:
HEY DUMMIES, WE’RE INHABITED
CHAPTER THREE:
NO OFFENSE INTENDED BUT, OUR PLANET IS A TOILET
CHAPTER FOUR:
JUST THIS ONCE, PAY ATTENTION TO THE GOVERNMENT
CHAPTER FIVE:
H2O
CHAPTER SIX:
OUR CLIMATE SUCKS
CHAPTER SEVEN:
OXYGEN
CHAPTER EIGHT:
NATURAL RESOURCES? WHAT NATURAL RESOURCES?
CHAPTER NINE:
HUMANS ARE ONLY ONE TYPE OF ANIMAL… HAVE YOU SEEN SOME OF THE OTHERS WE’VE GOT DOWN HERE?
CHAPTER TEN:
NOW LET’S TALK NATURE
CHAPTER ELEVEN:
WE’RE WEIRD
CHAPTER TWELVE:
WE SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF THEM
CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
DISEASE
CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
OUR AIR SPACE IS GETTING A LITTLE FUCKING SCARY.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
WE’RE NEITHER ACCEPTING NOR COOPERATIVE
CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
THEY DON’T HAVE THE NUMBERS
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:
LANDMINES AND OTHER TOYS OF WAR
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN:
CHILDREN
CHAPTER NINETEEN:
OUR ACTIVE FANTASY LIVES
CHAPTER TWENTY:
MAGICIANS AND ANYONE THAT WEARS FACEPAINT ON THE DAILY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:
THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:
WE’RE UNPREDICTABLE
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE:
PRIORITIES
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR:
LAW OF AVERAGES
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE:
THE SUN
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX:
THE WORLD CUP
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN:
RUNNING OF THE BULLS
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT:
RELIGION
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE:
CHEMISTRY
CHAPTER THIRTY:
THE INTERNET
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE:
THE APOCALYPSE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO:
LEARNING
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE:
TRUST
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR:
RESEARCH
CHAPTER THRITY-FIVE:
WE’RE THE UNIVERSE’S COCKROACHES
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX:
VEGAS
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN:
AIRPORTS
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT:
ADRENALIN
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE:
SERIAL KILLERS
CHAPTER FORTY:
PUPPETS
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE:
WOMEN
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO:
MEN
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE:
WE’VE GOT TEXAS-SIZED BALLS
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR:
THE OLYMPICS
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE:
WAVES
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX:
VIDEO GAMES
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN:
GARBAGE
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT:
THE ULTIMATE ELECTRIC FENCE
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE:
HELL
CHAPTER FIFTY:
BACTERIA
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE:
WE’RE ALREADY PART OF THE PAST
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO:
MAGNETS
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE:
HIPSTERS
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR:
YOUR MENSTRUAL CYCLE AND YOU
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE:
WE’RE A PRODUCT OF OUR ENVIRONMENT
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX:
CONTAGEONS
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN:
THE HUMAN CONDITION
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT:
MOVING
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE:
REALITY TV
CHAPTER SIXTY:
SPORTS FANS
CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE:
OUR WORK ETHIC
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO:
MONEY
CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE:
VEGAN BACON
CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR:
EVERY DAY IS BACKWARDS DAY
CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE:
EYELASHES, OUR ULTIMATE WEAPON
CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX:
LABELS
CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN:
CIRCUMCISION
CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT:
SEX
CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE:
DRUGS
CHAPTER SEVENTY:
ALCOHOL
CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE:
GUNS
CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO:
PRESCRIPTION DRUGS
CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE:
PEANUT BUTTER
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR:
HEMISPHERES
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE:
WE’RE A MIRAGE
CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX:
JAZZ
CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN:
PUBLIC RESTROOMS
CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT:
TERRORISM
CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE:
SUBURBAN TERRORISM
CHAPTER EIGHTY:
TIDE PODS
CHAPTER EIGHTY-ONE:
THE UNDERDOG
CHAPTER EIGHTY-TWO:
HAPPY ENDINGS
CHAPTER EIGHTY-THREE:
FEAR
CHAPTER EIGHTY-FOUR:
WE LOVE A CHALLENGE
CHAPTER EIGHTY-FIVE:
ALIVE
CHAPTER EIGHTY-SIX:
CARETAKERS AND REBUILDERS
CHAPTER EIGHTY-SEVEN:
THE MILITARY
CHAPTER EIGHTY-EIGHT:
ROCK 'N ROLL
CHAPTER EIGHTY-NINE:
MUSICAL THEATER
CHAPTER NINETY:
EMPATHY
CHAPTER NINETY-ONE:
COMEDIANS
CHAPTER NINETY-TWO:
HARD-HEADED
CHAPTER NINETY-THREE:
JON STEWART
CHAPTER NINETY-FOUR:
I'M NOT A FEMINIST
CHAPTER NINETY-FIVE:
GHOSTS
CHAPTER NINETY-SIX:
OBAMA
CHAPTER NINETY-SEVEN:
FAKERS
CHAPTER NINETY-EIGHT:
WWII
CHAPTER NINETY-NINE:
THE DISABLED
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED:
MENTAL HEALTH
CHAPTER ONE-OH-ONE:
HERE COMES THE US...I MEAN SUN
CHAPTER W:
COMPASSION
CHAPTER X:
WE’RE FUCKING STUPID
CHAPTER Y:
KRISPY KREME DONUTS
CHAPTER Z:
SELFIES
CHAPTER AA:
NETFLIX
CHAPTER BB:
PUPPIES
CHAPTER CC:
GAME OF THRONES
CHAPTER DD:
THE WORLD’S END
CHAPTER EE:
SAFETY
CHAPTER FF:
SPECULOOS COOKIE BUTTER
CHAPTER GG:
AMUSEMENT PARKS
CONCLUSION
Obviously, the point is that if aliens did invade earth, in no time flat they'd be sitting in front of a television watching Netflix or a little Game of Thrones on HBO and eating Krispy Kreme Donuts while debating whether or not Jon Snow is really dead. They'd forget about taking us over and instead take selfies with every puppy and kitten they see and join us over in the dark side.
This book is primarily targeted at people in my own age range: 30 to 50 year olds. The book also favors a female audience with a lot of the topics covered. Feminist humorists: fans of Amy Schumer, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman -- will appreciate the combination of humor and the political positions taken in the book.
The same people who watch John Oliver, The Daily Show, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee will be really into this book. It speaks to their love of logic, not being an asshole and a biting sense of humor.
The social platforms used in our marketing are and will continue to focus on the following:
* Twitter
* Facebook
* Pinterest
* Blogger
While our social media following is relatively small, my extended outreach tends to ripple fairly well and I've reached hundreds if not thousands of viewers on solitary tweets in the past.
Along with the help of my husband, co-founder of Indie Voyage (an independent video game publishing company), I'm organizing a bit of a cross-market strategy to reach not just my audience (reached via social, political and flat-out funny tweets and comments), but his as well: game players, game developers, and many other individuals who might catch an interest in the science fiction theme of my book.
Throughout the Publishizer event, I'll also be posting YouTube videos to keep pre-orderers and fans up to date on the progress and work I've been doing.
GUMPTION: RELIGHTING THE TORCH OF FREEDOM WITH AMERICA'S GUTSIEST TROUBLEMAKERS by Nick Offerman
Nick Offerman's book about good ol' American gumption is an honest look at the people that have worked to better this country at all the stages of its development and history. He examines the idea that hard work and fortitude were the keys to each person's success and what essentially got them to where they needed to be. And, maybe most importantly, he looks honestly at each individual, flaws and all, instead of deifying mere mortals.
He divides his examples of gumption into three categories: Freemasons, Idealists and Makers. The Freemasons are very obviously the starters of our country, the builders of the very foundation of everything that we are as these United States. A couple of examples of our Freemasons are Presidential OG George Washington and orator extraordinaire and reformation badass Frederick Douglas. The Idealists are a group that used their particular brand of gumption to better the quality of life for those around them. Some worked for social issues while others made beautifying the environment their life's work. Among our eight examples so idealist gumption are two incredibly strong and kickass-y Roosevelts, Teddy and Eleanor, and artist and perpetual peacemaker Yoko Ono. The final category of gumption-enthusiasts are the Makers. And the Makers are exactly what they sound like -- craftsmen and craftswomen that have spent a lifetime honing skills that put us all to shame. Some example Makers include furniture superhero and internment camp middle finger-giver George Nakashima, comedic fucking legend and all-around human juggernaut Carol Burnett and social activist maverick and musical icon Willie Nelson.
Through Gumption, Offerman teaches us about some of our greatest American heroes, never losing his ever-present tone of voice or ability to relate far-off notions to himself as an individual. His book makes you think about what's really important in life and how bettering yourself can really make the world a better place. His narrative throughout the book is one of a fireside chat, with one friend regaling the other with tales of spirit and, well, gumption. And because of his humorous and familiar demeanor, it's that much easier to agree with much, if not all, of what he says.
SIMILARITIES:
A kickass stick-it-to-the-man type attitude.
Simple, easy-to-follow format.
Laugh-out-loud funny.
Logic-based arguments for most everything.
DIFFERENCES:
I swear more.
Science fiction-based instead of Americana.
Fairly traditional allegory.
Less penis, more vagina.
HYPERBOLE AND A HALF by Allie Brosh
Blogger extraordinaire Allie Brosh brings her column between two covers and uses humor and ridiculously simple and brilliant drawings to bring people together and talk about some very un-talked about subjects. Reading though Hyperbole and a Half, you can't help but see yourself everywhere on the pages, relating entirely to Brosh on a fundamentally human level, giving you the warm fuzzies inside even while dealing with tough topics.
In eighteen chapters, Brosh introduces us to herself, very honestly and very endearingly. She walks us through her childhood and we can't help but laugh uncontrollably at her personal idiosyncrasies, knowing all the while that ours are only different in shape and color, not intensity. Brosh makes it so we all feel like we're on the same human team, desperately trying to make it through each day, hopefully laughing more than crying.
We chuckle along with her as she struggles to understand her dogs and figure out how exactly to win any kind of argument with them. And then do the exact same when showing us her identical struggle with depression. With each turn of the page, you begin to realize to how similar we all are and that courage is found most in honesty to oneself and being bold enough to learn how to stop apologizing for who you are.
Every page of her book is author Allie Brosh. She never hesitates to put it all on the line and ask her readers to either take her or leave her. And take her, you will, because she makes you feel better about yourself by showing you that you aren't in this great big world alone.
SIMILARITIES:
Insanely witty.
Quick-reading chapters.
Blunt talk about tough subjects.
A mixture of serious and frivolity.
DIFFERENCE:
No funny drawings in my book.
Alien Hypothesis has a much more structured format as opposed to Brosh's more informal tone.
Definitely more swearing in my book.
I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) by Stephen Colbert
I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert reads like all the text books you wish you had in high school. He uses his own patented brand of dry wit to take us through popular American culture and society while dissecting it for analysis. Colbert uses his own life, from childhood and adolescence through to maturity, as a construct to frame the content of his how-to America handbook.
Colbert discusses the importance of family and religion, complete with pictures and graphs to convince you, and touches on topics such as sports, that he candidly admits means next to nothing to him but matters a great deal to the country as a whole. Like always, Colbert and I Am America uses the driest of his sarcasm to discuss so many of the issues that put Americans at odds with each other. And he's so skillful at turning his borderline derision into a sly art that it becomes almost impossible sometimes to determine which side of a subject he's actually on, thus encouraging independent thought.
Colbert continues to lead us forward through a talk on sex and dating which highlights societal norms as well as his theories on the fundamentals of men and women. And like many of his arguments, much of this theory is based fairly solidly in Christianity, which he makes a point of labeling as our national religion.
Other topics that Colbert hits include Homosexuality, Race, Immigrants, The Media and everybody's favorite American pastime: Hollywood.
SIMILARITIES:
The use of footnotes.
Biting sarcasm.
A unique look at culture and society.
DIFFERENCES:
I Am America (And So Can You!) is formatted more like a textbook whereas an Alien Hypothesis could be considered a thesis or manual.
An Alien Hypothesis needs and relies only on the power of words. I Am America also uses graphs, pictures and quizzes.
Author Stephen Colbert takes a much more traditional point of view in I Am America (And So Can You!)
AMERICA (THE BOOK) by Jon Stewart and other writers of The Daily Show
America (The Book) by Jon Stewart and the writers of The Daily Show reads like a text book, an encyclopedia, a Time Life book and a wonderful family scrapbook al rolled into one. The book is overflowing with handwritten notes and drawings, blank forms, photos and historical timelines that look like they were taken out of every American kid's fifth grade social studies text book.
To begin the book itself, the authors give us the ultimate weapon for understanding the tool in our hands: the coveted Study Guide. We, the readers, are walked through the book chapter by chapter, letting us know ahead of time what we're getting ourselves into and what major points we're idiots if we miss. This is an incredible tool that shouldn't be skipped over.
In America (The Book), Stewart and friends examine our country and break down the very fundamentals of it, starting off with the mother of all ideas: Democracy. They go back to the idea at its core, looking at its foundation in philosophy and it's very beginnings in Ancient Greece. They take us through the founding of America, past the complications of the Presidency and straight through the complex idea of simple Freedom.
And like all things The Daily Show, humor is prevalent in this dissection of our country and political systems, making the most mundane of topics palatable and interesting, helping us understand ideas and issues we should probably make an attempt to understand anyway no matter how boring they are.
Stewart and Co. take us through many of the hot button issues our country is facing on a daily basis and with their always on-point sense of humor, we get a good look at how silly some of the notions we employ are.
SIMILARITIES:
In both books, there is heavy use of humor to help deal with ideas and issues that would be much more difficult to discuss otherwise.
Both books are easy to pick up and begin reading, no matter where you've left off. It's easy to get back into the thick of things.
DIFFERENCES:
While America (The Book) is an examination of The United States itself, Alien Hypothesis has no allegiance to any one nation or landmass.
Alien Hypothesis is an allegory that looks at human behavior as opposed to being an examination of any particular political system.
THE BIBLE
Even if you haven't read it, you know what The Bible is about. Lots of stories that show us why behaving in certain ways is a fundamentally better way to live. We're given examples of how we can be the best people inside of us, with the hopes that as long as we all try, even if we're not 100% successful, we'll make the world a better place in the meantime.
SIMILARITIES:
We examine how to make the world a better place.
Alien Hypothesis is basically an instruction manual on how to not be an asshole.
Lots of allegory going on in both.
DIFFERENCE:
I am by no stretch of the imagination a religious figure nor am I attempting to start a religion.
Alien Hypothesis is a much quicker read.
The Bible has virtually no swearing and definitely no aliens.
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Hey Everybody,
I am thrilled to announce that If You Were an Alien Would You Want to Live Here: an Alien Hypothesis has been published!! …
Hi all,
Thanks for the early orders! We can't wait until we're shipping them all out to everybody. This is a tremendous ride I'm on and, to be honest, one of the most nerve wracking experiences of my life :o.
Thanks especially to Jen as our official first pre-order!!!
Monica
Thanks so much to Chrissy who snagged a highly coveted Gift Box!! What a super steal for what has to be a super shopper!
Monica
Thanks to Connie for her order of two It's All Your Faults! These are my favorite -- let's have some fun bringing down Planet Earth!
Thanks, Stanley! Look at you snagging the Early Bird e-book and Itty Bitty Swag Bag! It's like Black Friday up in here!
A big thanks to George who got himself two of the It's All Your Fault packages! I can't wait to see what kind of Roland Emmerich-style catastrophe you're gonna bring to the planet!
I'd like to take it back to the early 2000's and give a shout out to Eric who nabbed himself one of the highly sought-after It's All Your Fault packages! Let's take this puppy down together and maybe the aliens'll let us stay on as mascots or reality show hosts! -Cable out!
on April 5, 2016, 3:21 a.m.
Yay for you! I can't wait to read it! 😘