In a world pressuring you to conform to the herd, we have no idea what it means to “just be yourself”. Imagine being completely free from worrying about what other people think of you, and the fearful doubt that causes procrastination. Nothing to Lose explores the curious approach to life that only the most confident have mastered.
||Mind & Body Confidence
||Auckland, New Zealand
||9 publishers interested
Nothing to Lose is simply the best title I could have imagined for this book. In all my many years of studying self-confidence — research that has essentially consumed my entire life — I have observed a theme: the state of having nothing to lose. It is the most appropriate and concise summary of confidence and authentic living. You become completely free to be whatever the hell you truly are, underneath the performance you show the world, when you’re willing to lose anything to maintain your integrity.
Almost every unhelpful self-development or philosophical book I’ve ever read has a common underlying belief — that you must get something external to improve your life. Ironically, even books that promote things like “letting go of the outcomes” and “autonomy” still seem to end up using these mindsets as just another strategy to get something.
Ever known someone who had literally nothing to lose? When someone truly has nothing to lose, they are given an opportunity that we should all be begging for. They are forced to rely totally and utterly on themselves. All petty fears and insecurities are gradually eliminated as their brains come to understand the levels of danger and freedom they are experiencing simultaneously — danger because there is no safety net for any decision, and freedom, because there is a complete absence of limitation.
Some people cannot handle this level of freedom. I used to work with some homeless people and often the damage they had experienced on their journey was simply too traumatic for them to handle. Freedom while in that unhealthy state is only perceived as danger and the fear is too overwhelming. The homeless are not the only ones unable to thrive in their total freedom.
Many of us seek comfort most the time because we’re afraid of the alternative; responsibility. We don’t believe we’d survive the complete discomfort that is guaranteed to come with the loss of everything. The mere sensation of nervousness is enough to completely control our decision making. We just don’t trust ourselves. We feel we can’t rely on ourselves to get through the predicted setbacks to come out better on the other side. So we hold back, avoid anything painful, and gently but surely condemn ourselves to a mediocre, fear-ridden and fragile existence.
We become victims to our dependence on external rewards, like money, substances and social approval, and through this dependency the Universe will destroy our confidence completely. Anything from a big break-up through to a mere look of disapproval can ruin all sense of self-worthiness. We’re terrified of experiencing these losses, so we avoid anything that could lead to them, and in doing so we tragically miss out on being honest, connecting deeply, and being able to genuinely enjoy life.
We sacrifice a meaningful existence simply to reduce the risk of losing things we never really possessed in the first place. Can you really own a person, or a job, or even your money? If something can be taken away, did you ever truly have it? Your belief that you can own something external to begin with is the catalyst for a destructive pattern of thinking that leads only to one place: neediness.
When you’ve lost everything, when you are no longer attached to keeping anything, you’ll come to the realization that something yet remains. When there is no attachment to money, possessions, or reputation, when there is no neediness, something hidden is brought to the surface. In this book, we’ll be calling this something values. These values will bring out every strength you didn’t know you had.
And when you see this strength you’ll realize it is completely satisfying through its mere existence. When you see yourself as psychologically strong, as confident, you’ll find your need for possessions, security and approval diminishes rapidly. You won’t require anything else because you’ll already have everything you’ll ever need. Things like courage, resourcefulness, assertiveness, compassion, wisdom, persistence, acceptance, and most importantly, shameless honesty.
When you are shameless, in total acceptance of your truth, there is no such thing as weakness. There are merely areas to be developed for your own satisfaction.
Let’s put it simply. Imagine, if for just a week, you behaved as if you had nothing to lose. And I don’t mean going on a bender of illicit substance shopping and athletic sexual behavior. I’m talking about doing all the things you’ve always wanted to do but held back on. Saying those things you always wished you could say. Relieving yourself of any pressure to win, retain and impress. No people-pleasing or showing off. No talking yourself out of things. No bullshit. Just your best attempt to live like a person whom you would respect and admire.
In this book I have some complex ideas I’d like to share with you. They’re not complex in the find the square root of x sense of the word; more, they are difficult to accept. Many of these ideas will go against beliefs you’ve taken for granted your entire life. Beliefs such as you need other people to like you. Beliefs such as you can read other people’s minds and guess what they are thinking. Beliefs such as you need to obtain external things to have a good life. Particularly, we’ll attack the belief that you’re not already complete.
And, more than anything else, any beliefs you have that make you feel like you cannot be openly honest all the time. Having nothing to lose is the ultimate freedom to be honest. With this book I hope to show you a new perspective on how you think, one that could give you the same honest freedom that someone who has nothing to lose gets to experience every single day.
I don’t ask that you believe me. You shouldn’t. The only way you can know if what I share in this book actually works for sure is to test if yourself. Try to prove it wrong. Over and over again, until you perfect it into what works best for you.
One last note.
I use the word authenticity to symbolize the concept of living in a way that’s true to your unique values. It doesn’t actually mean that sometimes you are not you. You are always you and always will be. You literally cannot ever be anyone else. But you can live in a way that you’re ashamed of, guilty for, and regret on your deathbed, or you can live a different way. Authenticity is the word I use for living the truthful way that frees you from regret.
We live in a world where everyone is desperately and miserably seeking the approval of others through acquiring wealth, popularity and approval. At any given moment your self-confidence can be completely destroyed by a relationship ending, a financial loss, or a life-changing injury. What if it didn't have to be this way?
I spend most of my life trying to please others, and so my decision--making was driven by approval seeking beliefs. I lost touch with my integrity, sacrificing it for the instant gratification of approval, money and sex. When I finally achieved these things I found only temporary relief from anxiety, pressure and the I'm not good enough story.
And I wasn't alone.
Nothing to Lose is about a completely new perspective on WHY you take action in the first place. In a world where neediness and greed have left us disconnected, unhealthy and full of blind resentment, there must be a paradigm shift in the way we think. It's time to put aside our toxic desire to GET and KEEP, and be willing to lose it all for integrity.
An introduction into the concept of having Nothing to Lose.
CHAPTER 1: WE'RE ALL CRIMINALS
A look into how we betray ourselves through failing to live by our values. I look at criminal behavior and it's links to self-worth issues, and how crime is no different from any harmful behavior.
CHAPTER 2: THE 3X MODEL
This is the complete overview of the simple but deep methodology for building confidence through increasing your integrity. The 3X Model is the new paradigm for healthy, confident thinking and behavior.
CHAPTER 3: WHEN THINGS GET STICKY
All problems and pain can be linked back to being mentally or emotionally "stuck" in some way. We'll look specifically at the problems of analysis-paralysis and overthinking, and how to break through these through taking action.
CHAPTER 4: CLEANING UP HORSESHIT
A blunt look at how your upbringing has made you dependent on your fictional "identity", and how much this harms you. We'll explore how to detach from having a social-approval seeking identity to become more fluid and flexible in your thinking.
CHAPTER 5: FUCK THE RULES
Your entire life is limited and governed by rules in your head that are completely fictional. You've been conditioned to obey a set of restrictions that do not even exist. Being able to see these rules and then safely break them over time will allow you to massively increase your possible opportunities and potential for growth.
CHAPTER 6: WHO YOU REALLY ARE
We will discover your core values, the source of your integrity, and what it means to live by them. We will let go of caring what others think and instead help you learn to impress yourself. We will replace a people-pleasing identity with a flexible authentic understanding of living by your core values.
CHAPTER 7: "LOOK YOUR BEST" AND OTHER FABLES
This book aims to dispel the currently harmful and misguided advice out there about how to be confident. In this chapter we dive into the unhelpful advice you've been receiving all of your life and destroy it, to replace it with your own definition of true confidence.
CHAPTER 8: THE MEANING OF LIFE IS "FOUR APPLES"
We spend our whole lives trying to find "meaning" and purpose. Through the 3X Model we can instead learn to understand that meaning will not come from an external source, it is instead something we create for ourselves individually.
CHAPTER 9: DO THE WRONG THING
Trying to figure out the "right" thing to do traps us in procrastination and fear. From dating to career to health, thinking we need to do something right holds back our potential for greatness. It's time to break through this habit with a new way of looking at decision making.
CHAPTER 10: SPOONING WITH FEAR
Essentially all of our issues with dissatisfaction in life can be traced back to our obedience to fear. We avoid uncomfortable sensations in order to enjoy life more, and yet this is the most harmful thing we could possibly do. We're all told to face our fears, but in this chapter I look at HOW you can actually do that in real life.
CHAPTER 11: THE PROBLEM WITH SOCIAL GOALS
Deep down most of us just want to feel more significant through our connections to each other and the greater Universe. Unfortunately, no one told us that trying to get results and outcomes via goal setting actually disconnects us and compartmentalizes our emotions. In this chapter we look at spontaneous connection and how to achieve it.
CHAPTER 12: ESCAPE FROM FANTASY WORLD
There is the real world, and then there is the perception of it inside your mind. These are two completely different places. The further our mind takes us from the real world, through assumptions, fantasies, ill-informed beliefs and biases, the less we enjoy reality. It's time to escape back to the real world. In particular, dealing with the story that you're not good enough.
A final say and personal notes on my own journey.
This is primarily a self-development book in the more philosophical end of the spectrum. This is aimed at people who are sick of self-help not actually leading to long-term quality of life but are motivated to find something that does work. It would be aimed at fans of Malcolm Gladwell, Eckhart Tolle, Robert Greene, Napolean Hill and Tony Robbins.
Dan Munro spent the early years of his life as a classic people-pleasing “Nice Guy”. Because of this he suffered, feeling constantly disconnected and isolated socially, was burdened by his perfectionist over-achiever mindset, and lived with an almost constant anxiety about the future.
Through the development and application of his unique 3X Model of Confidence, Dan was able to rediscover his values and learn what it truly meant to “just be yourself”. Over many years he learned the complex psychological changes required to stop caring what other people think of you, overcome your fear and destroy other limitations to taking the right actions.
Now Dan specializes in coaching others to create their own path of confidence. In a revolutionary and shockingly honest approach, Dan encourages people to let go of the common self-help ideals of trying to “succeed” or impress other people. Dan has helped hundreds of clients and Brojo members achieve deep inner fulfillment by freeing themselves from expectations, harmful beliefs, and neediness.
I have an email list of about 2000.
I have multiple Facebook pages and groups, about 7000 followers or participants in total, with another 2400 on Twitter.
I have a blog, TheInspirationalLifestyle.com on which I have already shared excerpts from the book, gets about 400 visits per day.
Full launch week in the Jeff Walker style of launching and e-promotion. I will be working with Jesse Krieger of Lifestyle Entrepreneur Press who also brings an audience of about 20K.
There will be run of emails following a Facebook ad campaign aimed at self-development audiences and my own following.
Through publishizer I will be focused on promoting pre-sales and upselling to coaching and other products. This is all being worked through in detail with Jesse and Lee Constantine.
"No More Mr Nice Guy" - Dr Robert Glover
This book looks into the toxic mindset of "Nice Guys", which was something I identified with most of my life. This book led to many of the initial insights I had to create my own changes toward living with integrity. This book was focused specifically on men in sexual relationships, whereas Nothing to Lose will look at the broader psychology of needy decision making for everyone.
"Game Over" - John Cooper
Cooper explores how trying to acquire something during a social interaction drives people away with neediness. Cooper specially dives into the Pick Up Artist community and how to break away from this style of social manipulation. Similar thoughts to my own. My book goes beyond just the social world into all areas of untruthful and manipulative behavior in life.
"Blink" - Malcolm Gladwell
Blink explores the subconscious psychology around decision making and how it can either be helpful or harmful to trust your instinct. Nothing to Lose is almost a sequel, aimed to showing you HOW to manage this process in real life, so that you can learn to trust your instincts over time, once you have trained them.
"How to win friends and influence people" - Dale Carnegie
This book is entirely about seeking approval through manipulation, even though some parts do support integrity. It's based on the premise that "happiness" comes from other people liking you, essentially. My book Nothing to Lose challenges the idea that integrity and manipulation can co-exist, and instead looks at letting go of convincing others to like you through contrived behavior, and instead focusing on winning your own approval.
"The subtle art of not giving a fuck" - Mark Manson
I've only just started reading this book, but Manson is someone I considered strongly aligned with my own principles of confidence. If you enjoy his writing you will probably find my work to align with your beliefs, however my approach is more coming from a personal experience with coaching and psychology.
"The Game" - Neill Strauss
This book started my self-development pathway, but it led me into greater harm rather than deeper life satisfaction. Ironically, The Game shows that the pursuit of manipulating people into liking you only ends in misery for the real-life characters in the book. Strauss has since gone on to written another book where he advocates a much more truthful approach, which is much more aligned to Nothing to Lose.